Funny Ever Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Funny Ever

Funny Ever Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Funny Ever quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Nix and Emma: 'Looks like you just found a new talent.'
'Great. Why couldn't I be good at underwater origami or something? — Kresley Cole

Ozzie Smith just made another play that I've never seen anyone else make before, and I've seen him make it more often than anyone else ever has. — Jerry Coleman

The word 'Spanx' was funny. It made people laugh. No one ever forgot it. — Sara Blakely

Don't ever follow me, because I am difficult. — Eugene Ormandy

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. — Rita Rudner

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf. — Anthony Jeselnik

No one ever thought Clint Eastwood was funny, but he was. — Annie Leibovitz

So I went to bed, full, happy, and caring nothing for all the hurt of all the englished Welshmen that ever festered upon a proud land — Richard Llewellyn

Vomit and shit, even your own, stink. — Sheeja Jose

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven? — Zach Galifianakis

But men are funny about their wars, they act as if they own them, and perhaps they do, for I don't think women ever start them. — Pippa Goldschmidt

It's just amazing how long this country has been going to hell without ever having got there. — Andy Rooney

Funny how we think of romance as always involving two, when the romance of solitude can be ever so much more delicious and intense. — Tom Robbins

She looked at the spear in a way that no woman had ever looked at Richard — Neil Gaiman

Nix: We're not leaving without her. So unless you want permanent houseguests of the destructive sort, just hand her over. — Kresley Cole

This was going to be the best cup of tea ever, even if it did look piss weak and oily. He took a gentle sip. Motherfuckers. It was coffee. — Simon Dunn

Ever heard of a demon getting sick?" Zavid
'Of humans? All the time. It's what we live for" Livia — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Crackpot is an excellent job because the expectations are so low. No one ever tells crackpots that they should be doing more. — Scott Adams

I see no reason to suppose these machines will ever force themselves into general use. — Duke Of Wellington

These are the best things I've ever had in my mouth! — Mora Early

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. — Walt Disney

We men had a meeting a long time ago, and we all decided, 'It's trousers'. And that's what we've worn ever since. — Lisa Kleypas

Fuck you."
"Promise? — Carole Cummings

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted. — David Cross

It needs to said that Gerard Brennan's The Point is terrific. Scorchingly funny, black humour at its finest and the most inventive car theft ever! — Arlene Hunt

Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered. — Victor J. Stenger

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? — Steven Wright

The worst thing ever that you have to explain your joke because I was very disappointed trying to explain why the joke is funny for the interrogator. — Bassem Youssef

I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met. — Herb Caen

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny! — David Cross

When have I ever given him the impression that I was okay with him just stopping by whenever he wanted to use my body as an organic garbage disposal? — Nash Summers

I've got a hockey record, I took off my skate and tried to stab a guy, I'm the only person who ever tried that. — Adam Sandler

I remember when I got my first Adam Sandler CD and it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard in my entire life, and continues to be. — Seth Rogen

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything. — George Burns

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads? — The Covert Comic

Funny, nothing ever happens nowadays. — Edgar Bergen

Punctuation was, it is sad to say, invented a very long time ago. Even more frustrating, it has remained with us ever since. — Anne Elizabeth Moore

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December. — Louis C.K.

This is a young man who is only 25, and you have to say, her has answered every question that has ever been asked. — David Coleman

Ever play 'mirror mirror on the wall' with two mirrors facing each other? — Josh Stern

You may say what you want to, but in my opinion she had more sand in her than any girl I ever see; in my opinion she was just full of sand. — Mark Twain

I've had countless reviews sort that have made me cry. It's funny, it doesn't ever get better either; you can't turn your ears off. — Eleanor Catton

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. — Phyllis Diller

Good Lord, that has to be the homeliest woman I have ever laid eyes on. My horse's face is better-looking. — Kathleen Bittner Roth

If ever an error had "F" written on it, that grounder did. — Jerry Coleman

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you're the funniest person you've ever heard of. — Maya Angelou

Winnie, don't you ever think you're selling yourself short?"

"Nope. Never. I'm really good at picking quality dick. — Elizabeth Brown

Simon gave her a startled look. 'I don't believe I have ever been condescended to by a woman before.' She shrugged. 'It was probably past time. — Julia Quinn

Just at present you only see the tree by the light of the lamp. I wonder when you would ever see the lamp by the light of the tree. — G.K. Chesterton

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it". — Rodney Dangerfield

They say money talks, but all mine ever says is 'good-bye sucker. — Jill Shalvis

Folks are funny. They can't stick to one way of thinking or doing anything unless they get a new reason for doing it ever so often. — William Faulkner

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me. — Bobcat Goldthwait

The fewer moving parts, the better." "Exactly. No truer words were ever spoken in the context of engineering. — Christian Cantrell

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did. — Groucho Marx

You catch more flies with honey, ever heard of that?" He shrugged. "I don't like flies. They're annoying." He grinned "I'd rather catch hell. — Heather Hildenbrand

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck. — Jeff Foxworthy

It's funny how we like labels. If I ever have a bookstore, I'm not going to put any labels on the sections. — Audrey Niffenegger

Jane's novels are so true to life that even two centuries later they are fresh and funny and, yes, relevant as ever. — Margaret Sullivan

I didn't want to spoil the mood. This was probably the longest Daemon and I had ever spoken without some statement earning him the finger. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

Nothing is ever finished. It's a funny thing. I actually think that's really the more natural way of stories or songs. — Joseph Gordon-Levitt

I did not know that we had ever quarreled. — Henry David Thoreau

Setting out around midnight, I couldn't help shaking my head, "We're the goddamned hottest vampire hunters ever." I muttered. — Richelle Mead

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large. — Josh Billings

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate? — Sol Luckman

It's not fair! (Ryssa)
Because life was ever about fairness.
Oh, to be as naive as his sister. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really bad so you never have to do it again. — Paris Hilton

Ever since my famous battle with Python, I've had a phobia of scaly reptilian creatures. (Especially if you include my stepmother, Hera. BOOM!) — Rick Riordan

If I ever mary, it will be on a suddn impulse - as aman shoots himself — H.L. Mencken

Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?
All the time. — Wendy Mass

This is the biggest damn IPod I've ever seen," Claire said, which made him choke on his beer. "Kidding. I have seen a jukebox before. — Rachel Caine

If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams — Jim Carrey

I'd like to point out that we've had zero problem reaching each other's mouths. — Stephanie Perkins

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow? — Steven Wright

I'm the oldest I've ever been, right now. — Tim Sylvia

So does that mean if you won't fuck me because I'm high, I could fuck you because you're not? — K.A. Mitchell

I couldn't believe it. That was the first time I had ever seen somebody celebrate for a whole 40-second clock. That was ridiculous. — Charles Woodson

What's funny about my group of friends is that none of us ever went to the same school. None of us lived in the same part of town. — Mila Kunis

Funny, that no one had ever asked what had happened to the dishes, the scraps, the crumbs in the photographs, on the poster. — Anna Quindlen

It's funny, I can sit through the worst horror film ever made but even a quite good romantic comedy can drive me nuts. — Jason Reitman

You ever tried sixty-nine, Lola? I think you'd like it. You're a good multi-tasker. — Bianca Giovanni

Sometimes, when I can't get to sleep, I imagine all the rules I'd invent if I ever got to be in charge of the world. — Sophie Kinsella

Have you ever heard someone say 'I shouldn't have trusted my intuition'? — Jennifer Ho-Dougatz

Here's the thing. I met this girl, this beautiful woman who's unlike anyone I've ever met. She's funny, and brave — Denise Grover Swank

Life has played some funny tricks on me and taken me on a wild ride. How did I ever get into this wonderful mess that is my life? — Bo Derek

Fuck you!" "Right here?" He crossed his arms. "That definitely wouldn't help your getting over me. — Stacey Marie Brown

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. — Lewis Black

he hadn't killed or shagged even one single person in front of me - which I felt was a rather good indication of his superior character. — Hettie Ivers

Roan tried not to stare, but the guard's head was almost perfectly egg shaped. He wanted to ask him if he'd ever had a hen sit on him by mistake. — Andrea Speed

Has anybody ever told you you're a remarkably cynical person?"
"I like to think of it as learning from experience. — Benedict Jacka

A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.' — Mike Birbiglia

Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn't score any runs. — Tim McCarver

The only reason I'd ever get a sex change operation is to see what it's like to be right all the time. — Brian Wilson

You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever. — Johnny Depp

I've got a sense of self-preservation. OK, granted , it's still in the original shrink wrap but I've got one if I ever want to use it. — Rachel Caine

It's funny, I never think I'm doing that well. I've never, ever. I just constantly think, 'This isn't working out.' — Dominic Cooper

You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut. — Warren Buffett

John Locke invented common sense, and only Englishmen have had it ever since! — Bertrand Russell

I smelled barbecue before I reached the house, and that made me madder than ever, because I really love barbecue. — Rick Riordan

Oh, this is the most TRAGICAL thing that ever happened to me! — L.M. Montgomery