Funny Dark Quotes

His chin looked as though a farsighted person had attempted to sew two thickly cut pieces of bacon together in a dark room. — Christopher Paul Curtis

Self-doubt is a persuasive mistress; careful not to shag her or you'll never get your balls back. - Simon Hunt — Dannika Dark

I feel funny about owning art. I don't really want to say: 'Wow, come and see my Monet - it's in a dark room at the bottom of my cellar.' — Baz Luhrmann

Shane dragged Eve's suitcase into the room and dumped it on the floor beside her bed. Hey, Dark Princess? Here's your crap. Also, bite me. — Rachel Caine

A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark. — H.L. Mencken

I am the Trolley of Love. Free rides before noon and after 11:58 am! — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

She held her hand out in front of her. "Wait."
"No," I groaned and then cleared my throat. "I mean okay, I can wait. — Kenya Wright

For every guy who loves being a dad, there's another who realizes too late that he's created something his wife loves more than him. — Mark R. Brand

We made love like two people trying to make love like three people in the trunk of a car. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I can be a gentleman off and on. When the urge hits me. - Tran — Krista Alasti

I love that she loves me a 10, on a 5-point scale. Well, I know it's a 5-point scale, though I asked her on a 1-100 scale. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

The inventory process and stepping back in your life can sometimes be a very dark process. But it also can be extremely funny and surprising. — Craig Charles

Nix: We're not leaving without her. So unless you want permanent houseguests of the destructive sort, just hand her over. — Kresley Cole

Knowledge is a rope, and you're weaving a noose out of it. Leave some slack for the enemy. — Nenia Campbell

So, funny story. There are fairies? In the Dark Woods. And I might have pissed off their king."
There was silence. Then, "Of course you did. — T.J. Klune

You couldn't find your dick in the dark, you scheming, sleaze-mongering scumwad. — Nenia Campbell

You two were in a cave together?' said Miss Simpkins in horror.
'Yes,' said Kate, 'and it was very, very dark. — Kenneth Oppel

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light. — Woody Allen

All lines are gray in the dark. — Nenia Campbell

Many comedians have a dark side that lets them take a negative thing and turn it funny. — Rachel Dratch

Don't be hating on my peacock. It's just not right. - Kye — Krista Alasti

If someone were to come up to you in a dark alley and say, "Psst, wanna see a UML diagram?" that
diagram would probably be a class diagram. — Martin Fowler

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger. — Derek Landy

Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

The funny thing is that everyone thinks I'm naturally dark because all of my siblings are, but I'm naturally dirty blond. — Khloe Kardashian

I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn't talk about sexual congress and Congress simultaneously. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I saw a dark void under the platform and had just enough time to think: Fuck me he's a earthbender. — Ben Aaronovitch

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names. That's life. That's love. That's fiscally irresponsible. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. — David Sedaris

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband's murder. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Love is like encountering a forest and having to chop down every tree but one. Oh, and you have to chop down each tree by hugging it until it falls. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I think 'Breaking Bad' is brilliant. Good drama in the U.S. is also so funny and blurs the line between light and dark. — Arthur Darvill

In bed, I can go for hours. Oh yes, I love naps. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Cara: *Flies*
Gen: What? I don't have wings!
Cara: Ofcourse not! You're a boy. — Jim Henson

I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

We made love like green is blue. That's because we were only half into it, though for the record I was the blue and she was the disinterested yellow. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I make love like sausage is to bacon as brick is to blanket. Somebody get me some utensils. And some lubrication (not Castrol Motor Oil). — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights) — Jane Dentinger

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself. — Mark Twain

To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I don't know when I'm writing dark. I don't know when I'm writing funny or even heartbreaking. I'm always just trying to write it true. — Julianna Baggott

My love's got a lot of love to give. Unfortunately, she gives none of it to me. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Once upon a time, fairy tales were AWESOME! — Adam Gidwitz

Love isn't two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle - and mine just got stolen. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

The perception of him as brooding and dark and miserable, that is baloney. Kurt Cobain was a funny dude. — Krist Novoselic

Let me be clear: I don't want to make love to a mannequin - I want to make love like a mannequin. Oh, if only I were that animated in bed. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I make love like never, only less often. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

For someone who wrote a novel with a superhero named "Dark Lightning," you wouldn't think a thunderstorm would make me so nervous. — J.M. Richards

Yes!" it exclaimed, bouncing up and down, its ears flapping like sails. "Yes, you hear me! Razor found you! Found girl and funny dark elf. — Julie Kagawa

You think this is funny?" I snorted. "You would. Your sense of humor is so dark, even the lesser demons don't get you. — Pippa DaCosta

Love is meant to be sipped, rather than chugged, like a glass of wine you drink strait from the bottle. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Blackmailers never explain their thinking. They're like pirates that way. Dark-hearted, dangerous
and cool like Johnny Depp. — Janette Rallison

I was one of those. I meddled with dark powers. I
summoned demons. I ate the entire little cheese, including the rind. — Patrick Rothfuss

Love is the point where Yes meets Yesterday, and that's why I put the No in Now. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track. — Erin Mitchell

My love is sticky, like glue. I'd kill a horse just to give you some. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus; unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots. — Edgar Rice Burroughs

I am only able to be honest. And sometimes my view of the world is pretty dark. But still funny. — Rachel Zucker

Life's funny that way, kind of like a dad who thinks it's hilarious to tie his kid up in a dark closet and leave him there for the weekend. Yeah, — Patrick Thomas

So I flirt with disaster once or twice. Who doesn't?"
He snorted. "You don't just flirt with disaster, you have intercourse with it. — Dannika Dark

I was beginning to think that Simon just had a bad case of OCD, ADD, and PMS. With a little BS and OMG mixed in. — Dannika Dark

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Knives are sharp, but are equally confusing. — Nathan Hassall

I'm not against people just being funny or telling stories. I don't need to delve into the soft, dark core all the time. If it happens, it happens. — Marc Maron

I am in love, and the river is beginning to ice over. I'd better go drown myself before I freeze to death. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

It's funny, because I have periods where I just kind of go dark. I don't tweet, I don't talk, I don't interview, and then I have times where I do. — Lance Armstrong

Whole new theories of money were growing here like mushrooms: in the dark and based on bullshit. — Terry Pratchett

Funny how growing up can change your opinion of being afraid of the dark and afraid of the bills. — Amelia Hutchins

I don't like sleeping in the dark jungle by myself.
Ren — Colleen Doran

The guy had guts - I had to give him that. Later on I was hoping for a first-hand look at them. — Rob Thurman

Kicking a police car? Really?' Caleb shrugged. 'Car offended me. It was sitting right where I wanted to stand. What would you do? — Sherrilyn Kenyon

I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand.
- Simon Hunt — Dannika Dark

My condolences, you're still alive. — Fakeer Ishavardas

I think I have a dark view of the world. I have to make everything funny, otherwise it all seems so sad. — Moon Unit Zappa

Love is bread and water to the soul. My relationships are quite soggy. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Dark, cool, musty, smoky, where light fell funny and everyone looked like someone you knew or wanted to know. Or, more likely, wanted to forget. — David Baldacci

I'm not ashamed of being a bubbly, funny person. I think that's as valid as being the dark, brooding, tortured Oscar-nominated one. — Cameron Diaz

She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

You want a torch or a candle, maybe? You've got your head so far up your own arse, it must be dark in there. -Sam — Kady Cross

Well, life is dark, isn't it? Mostly, it's dreadful. At the same time, death is funny too. I mean, look at the fuss we make of it. — Upamanyu Chatterjee

I love like I'm thirsty. Can I offer you a tall glass of Sahara sand? — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Just shut up and talk. - Shella — Krista Alasti

I lied. I do that, you know, when it suits me. I would have thought you'd realized that by now. — Anne Stuart

Thorn. Good demon overlord. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

The dimple in his left cheek was ironic-it gave the impression that he was sweet as a cupcake. (Dark City Lights) — Elaine Kagan

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore. — James Hetfield

The only time I drink milk is when I drink coffee. I make love the same way - contributing 2% as I just sort of lay there. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

That was 1993 grunge in suburbia. This was 2003 hell in Harlem. (Dark City Lights) — Eve Kagan

Discovering Samuel Beckett in college was a big deal for me. I realized you could be very funny and very dark at the same time. — Billy Collins

Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I think that life is very dark at times and there are things that are very funny about that. — Brett Gelman

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged — Terry Pratchett

No, it's fine. I know you're late. Maybe we can talk tomorrow, but I'm going to be in and out all day."
"That's what he said," she purred. — Dannika Dark

If I could bronze my love, it'd be worthy of a silver medal. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Funny, isn't it? We hear the same name and while they see dark, I see light. — Nadia Hashimi

I make love like farm equipment - not to farm equipment. There is a difference, though my cousin can't tell it. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo