Funny Comic Quotes

Sometimes, if you close your eyes and keep still, you can be invisible. Ostriches know this." - Constantine — Jamie Delano

The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already. — The Covert Comic

I observe everything around me and when something hits me and it's funny, that's what I talk about. I'm a more observational kind of comic. — Godfrey

I'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time. — The Covert Comic

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist. — Doug Stanhope

Philadelphia is just the tip of the Pittsburgh. — The Covert Comic

I wouldn't overall say that The Diagnosis it's a funny book. I would say that it has comic moments. It's a modern tragedy. — Alan Lightman

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny. — Henny Youngman

I want to be known as a funny comic not just a funny Latino comic. I want to be able to go everywhere and anywhere. — Gabriel Iglesias

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I'm printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me! — The Covert Comic

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA. — The Covert Comic

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. — Matt Groening

I think it's nice to get a break from all of the big Hollywood comic book action-movies and see something that's relatable and funny and interesting. — Aubrey Plaza

If heaven was created only for the most stupid clown, then Mr Bean could have been the only righteous man on earth. — Michael Bassey Johnson

COFFEE! Because this body is NOT going to wake itself up! — Tanya Masse

What happens, I think, is especially for comic effect you find something about yourself that you don't like. You exaggerate it, and it's funny. — Wayne Knight

Michael Bates was a very funny actor; he'd served in India, could speak Urdu, and had great comic timing. — Sanjeev Bhaskar

Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing. — Rowan Atkinson

I don't need a personal trainer ... I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I'm not supposed to! — Tanya Masse

Death is complicated."

-Johann Kraus — John Arcudi

The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it. — The Covert Comic

All men are tragic ... All men are comic ... Every man is important if he loses his life; and every man is funny if he loses his hat. — G.K. Chesterton

What great comedians, great comic writers, great comic actors do is that they just read the headlines with the right eyebrow position and it's funny. — David Salle

Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after? — The Covert Comic

I'm not a broad comic, but I think I can be funny and I think I make people laugh. — Lennie James

In this city, we've got a saying: once is coincidence, twice is a booking offense!

-Judge Dredd — John Wagner

Damn it! I knew she was a monster! John! Amy! Listen! Guard your buttholes. — David Wong

In democracy both a deep reverence and a sense of the comic are requisite. — Carl Sandburg

I firmly believe that if you can't fool all of the people all of the time you should start breeding them for stupidity. - Weisshaupt — Dave Sim

I've died before. It was boring, so I stood up. — Warren Ellis

It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic. — Iliza Shlesinger

Every Friday is black where I work. — The Covert Comic

That's the exciting part about capitalism. It's like surfing, you have to catch the wave. - Martin Peter (aka Vermin Gobsmack) — Jamie Delano

I love nerds. Comic-Con junkies are the tastemakers of tomorrow. Isn't that funny? The tables have turned. — Kristen Bell

Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn't easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels. — The Covert Comic

I'm sure this is a diversionary ploy. But that doesn't mean it isn't real.
-Abe Sapien — John Arcudi

Secret 3963. It's only a sucking chest wound if you're not the shooter. — The Covert Comic

They are not grey roots! This is my new fifty shades of grey OMBRE hairstyle! — Tanya Masse

It's hard for a comic to be joking when your lines can't be funny. — Steven Michael Quezada

You can't teach someone to be funny, but you can teach comic timing. If you listen to a good comic, you can learn how to put it on a page. — Christopher Moore

Plus, I love comic writing. Nothing satisfies me more than finding a funny way to phrase something. — Michael Pollan

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch. — Bo Burnham

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads? — The Covert Comic

Jim Carrey, a comic genius, has a harder time overcoming the public's desire for him to be funny simply because he's so good at it. — Ben Stiller

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!! — Bill Watterson