Diller's Quotes

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. — Phyllis Diller

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. — Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. — Phyllis Diller

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. — Phyllis Diller

People have paid for content. They always have. — Barry Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. — Phyllis Diller

No one can solve an issue where there is no economic model yet. — Barry Diller

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo. — Phyllis Diller

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe. — Phyllis Diller

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors! — Phyllis Diller

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death. — Phyllis Diller

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone. — Phyllis Diller

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking. — Phyllis Diller

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. — Phyllis Diller

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves. — Phyllis Diller

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. — Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all. — Phyllis Diller

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on. — Phyllis Diller

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me. — Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him. — Phyllis Diller

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests. — Phyllis Diller

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready. — Phyllis Diller

I am a contrarian. — Barry Diller

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs. — Phyllis Diller

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet. — Phyllis Diller

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water. — Phyllis Diller

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish. — Phyllis Diller

Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn. — Phyllis Diller

I don't want to sound like I'm on dope, but that hour is a high; it's as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power. — Phyllis Diller

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister. — Phyllis Diller

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate. — Phyllis Diller

My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car. — Phyllis Diller

I like businesses in transition, first of all. If ever there were a business in transition, it is publishing. — Barry Diller

We need an unambiguous rule - a law - that nobody will step between the publisher and the consumer, full stop. — Barry Diller

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush. — Phyllis Diller

The only way anyone's going to succeed is to build the product. — Barry Diller

Get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one. — Phyllis Diller

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball. — Phyllis Diller

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months. — Phyllis Diller

The American public tunes in every night hoping to see two people screwing. Obviously, we can't give them that but let's always keep it in mind. — Barry Diller

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake. — Phyllis Diller

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one. — Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? — Phyllis Diller

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up. — Phyllis Diller

My opinion, young people go to the Internet. To the Internet distribution system right now, you put it up there and it's accessed by the world. — Barry Diller

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt. — Phyllis Diller

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like. — Phyllis Diller

Hollywood is a community that's so inbred, it's a wonder the children have any teeth. — Barry Diller

We want to be able to sell you anything, anywhere, any time you want it. — Barry Diller

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls. — Phyllis Diller

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance? — Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. — Phyllis Diller

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids ... and when you're away from them, who needs it?. — Phyllis Diller

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door. — Phyllis Diller

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit! — Phyllis Diller

All forms of commerce are adversarial. — Barry Diller

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. — Phyllis Diller

Well, the Internet is this miracle. It is an absolutely extraordinary idea that you can press a send button, and you are publishing to the world. — Barry Diller

If you have too many epiphanies, you're on some kind of drug. — Barry Diller

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles. — Phyllis Diller

Money's scarce
Times are hard
Here's your fucking
Xmas card — Phyllis Diller

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser. — Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. — Phyllis Diller

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor ... I was committed! — Phyllis Diller

I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard. — Phyllis Diller

Since I was in my early twenties, at ABC, I was always only interested in things that were not already being done. — Barry Diller

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned. — Phyllis Diller

The entertainment business hasn't had a new idea in years. — Barry Diller

Now along comes the potential creative destruction brought by a different distribution methodology, the Internet. — Barry Diller

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear. — Phyllis Diller

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality. — Phyllis Diller

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes. — Phyllis Diller

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough. — Phyllis Diller

Self-pity is better than none. — Phyllis Diller

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you. — Phyllis Diller

We're in a world now where it's not enough to be smart. You have to be curious. — Barry Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. — Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance. — Phyllis Diller

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak. — Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. — Phyllis Diller

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along. — Phyllis Diller

I don't know how you feel about old age ... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear. — Phyllis Diller

E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, You look weird. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing. — Phyllis Diller

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop ... and that was for the estimate. — Phyllis Diller

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped. — Phyllis Diller

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs. — Phyllis Diller

Comedy is tragedy revisited. — Phyllis Diller

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. — Phyllis Diller

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers. — Phyllis Diller

My father used to call me the laughing hyena. — Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. — Phyllis Diller

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer. — Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on. — Phyllis Diller

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation. — Phyllis Diller

He was hanging from one of the rafters in a laundry up near Frau Diller's. Another human pendulum. Another clock, stopped. — Markus Zusak

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce. — Phyllis Diller

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice. — Phyllis Diller