Diller's Quotes
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Diller's Quotes & Sayings
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Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
— Phyllis Diller
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
— Phyllis Diller
People have paid for content. They always have.
— Barry Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
— Phyllis Diller
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
— Phyllis Diller
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
— Phyllis Diller
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.
— Phyllis Diller
I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
— Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
— Phyllis Diller
It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.
— Phyllis Diller
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
— Phyllis Diller
Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.
— Phyllis Diller
When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.
— Phyllis Diller
No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.
— Phyllis Diller
I am a contrarian.
— Barry Diller
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
— Phyllis Diller
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
— Phyllis Diller
I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.
— Phyllis Diller
Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.
— Phyllis Diller
I don't want to sound like I'm on dope, but that hour is a high; it's as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
— Phyllis Diller
It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
— Phyllis Diller
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
— Phyllis Diller
My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
— Phyllis Diller
I like businesses in transition, first of all. If ever there were a business in transition, it is publishing.
— Barry Diller
We need an unambiguous rule - a law - that nobody will step between the publisher and the consumer, full stop.
— Barry Diller
Get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
— Phyllis Diller
This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
— Phyllis Diller
It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
— Phyllis Diller
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
— Phyllis Diller
I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.
— Phyllis Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
— Phyllis Diller
We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
— Phyllis Diller
I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.
— Phyllis Diller
Hollywood is a community that's so inbred, it's a wonder the children have any teeth.
— Barry Diller
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
— Phyllis Diller
Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
— Phyllis Diller
The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids ... and when you're away from them, who needs it?.
— Phyllis Diller
Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
— Phyllis Diller
![Diller's Quotes By Phyllis Diller: One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter](https://www.wisefamousquotes.com/images/dillers-quotes-by-phyllis-diller-818140.jpg "Diller's Quotes By Phyllis Diller: One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter")
One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!
— Phyllis Diller
All forms of commerce are adversarial.
— Barry Diller
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.
— Phyllis Diller
Money's scarceTimes are hard
Here's your fucking
Xmas card — Phyllis Diller
It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
— Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
— Phyllis Diller
I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard.
— Phyllis Diller
Since I was in my early twenties, at ABC, I was always only interested in things that were not already being done.
— Barry Diller
I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
— Phyllis Diller
The entertainment business hasn't had a new idea in years.
— Barry Diller
Now along comes the potential creative destruction brought by a different distribution methodology, the Internet.
— Barry Diller
My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
— Phyllis Diller
I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
— Phyllis Diller
My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
— Phyllis Diller
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
— Phyllis Diller
Self-pity is better than none.
— Phyllis Diller
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
— Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
— Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance.
— Phyllis Diller
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
— Phyllis Diller
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
— Phyllis Diller
I don't know how you feel about old age ... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
— Phyllis Diller
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
— Phyllis Diller
Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.
— Phyllis Diller
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
— Phyllis Diller
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
— Phyllis Diller
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
— Phyllis Diller
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
— Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
— Phyllis Diller
Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
— Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
— Phyllis Diller
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
— Phyllis Diller
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
— Phyllis Diller
He was hanging from one of the rafters in a laundry up near Frau Diller's. Another human pendulum. Another clock, stopped.
— Markus Zusak
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
— Phyllis Diller
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
— Phyllis Diller