Dangerfield Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Dangerfield
Dangerfield Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Dangerfield quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
They change the sheets every day ... from one bed to another.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me ... and no one showed up.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark ...
— Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
— Rodney Dangerfield
You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
— Rodney Dangerfield
You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
— Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
— Rodney Dangerfield
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
— Rodney Dangerfield
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
— Rodney Dangerfield
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
— Rodney Dangerfield
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back
— Rodney Dangerfield
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
— Rodney Dangerfield
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
— Rodney Dangerfield
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
— Rodney Dangerfield
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
— Rodney Dangerfield
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
— Rodney Dangerfield
People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
— Rodney Dangerfield
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I get no respect ... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
— Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
— Rodney Dangerfield
If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half!
— Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
— Rodney Dangerfield
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house ... so he moved.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
— Rodney Dangerfield
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
— Rodney Dangerfield
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
— Rodney Dangerfield
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
— Rodney Dangerfield
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
— Rodney Dangerfield
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
— Rodney Dangerfield
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu ... she bid me a don't.
— Rodney Dangerfield
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
— Rodney Dangerfield
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
— Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
— Rodney Dangerfield
It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Man, who don't like spaghetti?
— Rodney Dangerfield
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
— Rodney Dangerfield
They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
— Rodney Dangerfield
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
— Rodney Dangerfield
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
— Rodney Dangerfield
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
— Rodney Dangerfield
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Life is just a bowl of pits.
— Rodney Dangerfield
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
— Rodney Dangerfield
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
— Rodney Dangerfield
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
— Rodney Dangerfield
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
— Rodney Dangerfield