Craig Ferguson Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Craig Ferguson
Craig Ferguson Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Craig Ferguson quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.
— Craig Ferguson
Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don't need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.
— Craig Ferguson
I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die. — Craig Ferguson
I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.
— Craig Ferguson
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
— Craig Ferguson
From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.
— Craig Ferguson
According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They've been reading my email.
— Craig Ferguson
A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.
— Craig Ferguson
I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.
— Craig Ferguson
In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.
— Craig Ferguson
Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.
— Craig Ferguson
When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.
— Craig Ferguson
The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.
— Craig Ferguson
You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry
— Craig Ferguson
Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.
— Craig Ferguson
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van?
— Craig Ferguson
I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.
— Craig Ferguson
Time is only linear for engineers and referees.
— Craig Ferguson
You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.
— Craig Ferguson
Stand by your bed and salute me.
— Craig Ferguson
The rain is giving much needed relief to California's crops. By that I mean 'marijuana.'
— Craig Ferguson
Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever.
— Craig Ferguson
Violence of any kind, once it starts, is like fucking a gorilla-you ain't done tillthe gorilla's done. — Craig Ferguson
I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.
— Craig Ferguson
At CBS, I'm in your house. I'm mindful of that. When I do standup, you're in my home and I can say what I want to.
— Craig Ferguson
A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.
— Craig Ferguson
Great, as long as you're happy
— Craig Ferguson
That's the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.
— Craig Ferguson
Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.
— Craig Ferguson
I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.
— Craig Ferguson
If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.
— Craig Ferguson
They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.
— Craig Ferguson
A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms.
— Craig Ferguson
Ros was dead.He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall. — Craig Ferguson
Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.
— Craig Ferguson
It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.
— Craig Ferguson
Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.
— Craig Ferguson
You better watch out. You better not cry.
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass. — Craig Ferguson
I'm careful with money.
— Craig Ferguson
If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.
— Craig Ferguson
It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.
— Craig Ferguson
Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.
— Craig Ferguson
Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.
— Craig Ferguson
114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.
— Craig Ferguson
By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!
— Craig Ferguson
I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.
— Craig Ferguson
During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.
— Craig Ferguson
Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.
— Craig Ferguson
Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.
— Craig Ferguson
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven.
And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'. — Craig Ferguson
Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.
— Craig Ferguson
I like to believe that there is an extra warm corner of hell for these fuckers who traffic in emotional misery.
— Craig Ferguson
I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.
— Craig Ferguson
I don't get emails from my corporate overlords.
— Craig Ferguson
A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.
— Craig Ferguson
Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over!
— Craig Ferguson
Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch - or maybe you're the governor of Arizona.
— Craig Ferguson
I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.
— Craig Ferguson
I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.
— Craig Ferguson
There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles.
— Craig Ferguson
Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.
— Craig Ferguson
You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.
— Craig Ferguson
The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.
— Craig Ferguson
I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.
— Craig Ferguson
The first day of spring is known as the vernal equinox. The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.
— Craig Ferguson
I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.
— Craig Ferguson
I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.
— Craig Ferguson
My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.
— Craig Ferguson
Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.
— Craig Ferguson
A lot of the U.S. used to be part of Mexico, including Arizona. But they're a bit touchy about that right now.
— Craig Ferguson
That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.
— Craig Ferguson
After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.
— Craig Ferguson
HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.
— Craig Ferguson
I don't think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.
— Craig Ferguson
If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that.
— Craig Ferguson
Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.
— Craig Ferguson
Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.
— Craig Ferguson
According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.
— Craig Ferguson
I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.
— Craig Ferguson
I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'
— Craig Ferguson
Whoever I had become had to die.
— Craig Ferguson
Its like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.
— Craig Ferguson
Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.
— Craig Ferguson
I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.
— Craig Ferguson
The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It's camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.
— Craig Ferguson
New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.
— Craig Ferguson
The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.
— Craig Ferguson
The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.
— Craig Ferguson
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, Pay attention, this could be fun.
— Craig Ferguson
