Conan O'brien Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Conan O'brien
Conan O'brien Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Conan O'brien quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous.
— Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump has fired a campaign adviser for posting racist remarks on Facebook. Isn't that shocking? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.
— Conan O'Brien
Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42.
— Conan O'Brien
It's a mistake to read. Television is the only way.
— Conan O'Brien
In the midterm elections, a 102-year-old woman voted for the first time in a U.S. election. Unfortunately, she voted for Woodrow Wilson.
— Conan O'Brien
In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.
— Conan O'Brien
The hockey lockout of 1994 - 1995 has been settled. They have stopped bickering ... and can now get down to some serious bloodshed!
— Conan O'Brien
Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.
— Conan O'Brien
It's rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger's son is cheating on his girlfriend Miley Cyrus. After hearing about it Arnold said, 'That's my boy.'
— Conan O'Brien
Work hard and be kind and amazing things will happen.
— Conan O'Brien
I can't wait for the Republican debates to start and there's literally 65 guys on one stage.
— Conan O'Brien
Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady's glasses.
— Conan O'Brien
Mexico's No. 1 drug lord has escaped from prison and may be headed to the U.S. So Donald Trump was wrong. They ARE sending us their best.
— Conan O'Brien
I think in future people will take television in eyedrop form. All media will be in eyedrops.
— Conan O'Brien
Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden's compound, which explains why bin Laden's last words were, 'Dude ... '
— Conan O'Brien
Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg fell asleep during Obama's speech. She woke up with the other justices drawing a gavel on her face.
— Conan O'Brien
When it comes to being visionary in stealing, the Republicans do better than anybody. It's really something to see.
— Conan O'Brien
In the Year 2000 the discovery of extraterrestrial life will create a revolution in science, art, and pornography.
— Conan O'Brien
Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma.
— Conan O'Brien
According to a new poll, nearly six out of 10 Republicans want Mitt Romney to run for president. So do 10 out of 10 Democrats.
— Conan O'Brien
Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math.
— Conan O'Brien
The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.
— Conan O'Brien
There's good random, and there's bad random. There's good silly and there's bad silly, and you've gotta know the difference.
— Conan O'Brien
Applaud my idiocy.
— Conan O'Brien
Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.
— Conan O'Brien
When reached for comment on the charges, Martha didn't say much, (only) that a subpoena should be served with a nice appetizer.
— Conan O'Brien
Happy Cinco de Mayo! It's a holiday that's as respectful of Mexican traditions as Epcot Center's Mexican food pavilion.
— Conan O'Brien
Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out of its misery.
— Conan O'Brien
In the Year 2000 due to the declining number of champions in the world, Wheaties will change its slogan to 'Breakfast of Sexual Deviants.
— Conan O'Brien
If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.
— Conan O'Brien
They say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick's Day: the Irish, and the people that drive them home.
— Conan O'Brien
It's April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good.
— Conan O'Brien
Thousands of legal and illegal immigrants staged what they called a Day Without Immigrants. Or, as it's known in Utah, Monday.
— Conan O'Brien
In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What's going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out?
— Conan O'Brien
Analysts say Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.
— Conan O'Brien
George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.
— Conan O'Brien
Jeb Bush admitted that he smoked a notable amount of pot in school. He said, 'You would too if your parents had named you 'Jeb.'
— Conan O'Brien
Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.
— Conan O'Brien
At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, 'You will lend us another trillion dollars.'
— Conan O'Brien
Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him.
— Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump called George W. Bush 'the worst president in the history of the United States.' Then he added, 'Until, of course, I'm elected.'
— Conan O'Brien
The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, I don't need a pardon. I need a job.'
— Conan O'Brien
A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'
— Conan O'Brien
Nietzsche famously said, 'Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' What he failed to stress is that it ALMOST kills you.
— Conan O'Brien
Link Wray is the all-time legend.
— Conan O'Brien
This week Apple stores are holding free computer programming classes for children. Or as that's called in China, a job fair.
— Conan O'Brien
People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment.
— Conan O'Brien
California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up.
— Conan O'Brien
San Francisco is the only city in America where marijuana is legal but plastic bags are not.
— Conan O'Brien
I hear YouTube, Twitter and Facebook are merging to form a super Social Media site - YouTwitFace.
— Conan O'Brien
If you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst to profound reinvention.
— Conan O'Brien
Keep cool my babies.
— Conan O'Brien
I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.
— Conan O'Brien
A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.
— Conan O'Brien
Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed.
— Conan O'Brien
In New York the other day, there was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. Only four people showed up ... and three of them were made out of crepe paper!
— Conan O'Brien
According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does.
— Conan O'Brien
For the first time since 2007, the FDA Has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable.
— Conan O'Brien
Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It's been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history.
— Conan O'Brien
There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?
— Conan O'Brien
NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in.
— Conan O'Brien
I have an abacus at home.
— Conan O'Brien
Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we're going to keep Obamacare.
— Conan O'Brien
A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh. — Conan O'Brien
'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.
— Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters - all of whom are late night comedians.
— Conan O'Brien
Geraldo Rivera says Osama bin Laden is hiding out in Pakistan ... which means the most hated man in Afghanistan is now Geraldo Rivera.
— Conan O'Brien
A congressman sent a tweet that compared president Obama to Adolf Hitler. He has now apologized. It's not helping that he apologized to Hitler.
— Conan O'Brien
President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama's mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran.
— Conan O'Brien
Let's just agree any group of 3 or more handsome British men should be referred to as a 'cumberbatch.'
— Conan O'Brien
St.Patrick's Day is named for St. Patrick, the first guy to feed Guinness to a snake.
— Conan O'Brien
If Sony's not going to show 'The Interview,' that's it. No more North Korean movies for me.
— Conan O'Brien
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here's the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke.
— Conan O'Brien
