Conan O'brien Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Conan O'brien

Conan O'brien Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Conan O'brien quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous. — Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump has fired a campaign adviser for posting racist remarks on Facebook. Isn't that shocking? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser. — Conan O'Brien

Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. — Conan O'Brien

It's a mistake to read. Television is the only way. — Conan O'Brien

In the midterm elections, a 102-year-old woman voted for the first time in a U.S. election. Unfortunately, she voted for Woodrow Wilson. — Conan O'Brien

In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani. — Conan O'Brien

The hockey lockout of 1994 - 1995 has been settled. They have stopped bickering ... and can now get down to some serious bloodshed! — Conan O'Brien

The Northeast is being hit with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they've haven't seen a whiteout like this since last week's Oscar nominations. — Conan O'Brien

Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly. — Conan O'Brien

It's rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger's son is cheating on his girlfriend Miley Cyrus. After hearing about it Arnold said, 'That's my boy.' — Conan O'Brien

Work hard and be kind and amazing things will happen. — Conan O'Brien

I can't wait for the Republican debates to start and there's literally 65 guys on one stage. — Conan O'Brien

Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady's glasses. — Conan O'Brien

Mexico's No. 1 drug lord has escaped from prison and may be headed to the U.S. So Donald Trump was wrong. They ARE sending us their best. — Conan O'Brien

I think in future people will take television in eyedrop form. All media will be in eyedrops. — Conan O'Brien

I did have someone tell me that I looked like Conan O'Brien. I was like, 'What?' — Joel Edgerton

Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden's compound, which explains why bin Laden's last words were, 'Dude ... ' — Conan O'Brien

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg fell asleep during Obama's speech. She woke up with the other justices drawing a gavel on her face. — Conan O'Brien

When it comes to being visionary in stealing, the Republicans do better than anybody. It's really something to see. — Conan O'Brien

In the Year 2000 the discovery of extraterrestrial life will create a revolution in science, art, and pornography. — Conan O'Brien

Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma. — Conan O'Brien

According to a new poll, nearly six out of 10 Republicans want Mitt Romney to run for president. So do 10 out of 10 Democrats. — Conan O'Brien

President Obama answered questions on YouTube today. He was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana. And that was just from Chad in Portland. — Conan O'Brien

Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math. — Conan O'Brien

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts. — Conan O'Brien

There's good random, and there's bad random. There's good silly and there's bad silly, and you've gotta know the difference. — Conan O'Brien

Applaud my idiocy. — Conan O'Brien

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer. — Conan O'Brien

When reached for comment on the charges, Martha didn't say much, (only) that a subpoena should be served with a nice appetizer. — Conan O'Brien

Happy Cinco de Mayo! It's a holiday that's as respectful of Mexican traditions as Epcot Center's Mexican food pavilion. — Conan O'Brien

Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out of its misery. — Conan O'Brien

In the Year 2000 due to the declining number of champions in the world, Wheaties will change its slogan to 'Breakfast of Sexual Deviants. — Conan O'Brien

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice. — Conan O'Brien

Over-thinking in your brain is anathema to the process of thinking on your feet. — Conan O'Brien

They say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick's Day: the Irish, and the people that drive them home. — Conan O'Brien

It's April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good. — Conan O'Brien

I picked out my Halloween costume. I'm going as 'Slutty Madeleine Albright.' — Conan O'Brien

Thousands of legal and illegal immigrants staged what they called a Day Without Immigrants. Or, as it's known in Utah, Monday. — Conan O'Brien

In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What's going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out? — Conan O'Brien

Analysts say Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team. — Conan O'Brien

George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy. — Conan O'Brien

Jeb Bush admitted that he smoked a notable amount of pot in school. He said, 'You would too if your parents had named you 'Jeb.' — Conan O'Brien

Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer. — Conan O'Brien

At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, 'You will lend us another trillion dollars.' — Conan O'Brien

Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him. — Conan O'Brien

I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. — Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump called George W. Bush 'the worst president in the history of the United States.' Then he added, 'Until, of course, I'm elected.' — Conan O'Brien

The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, I don't need a pardon. I need a job.' — Conan O'Brien

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans. — Conan O'Brien

A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.' — Conan O'Brien

Nietzsche famously said, 'Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' What he failed to stress is that it ALMOST kills you. — Conan O'Brien

Link Wray is the all-time legend. — Conan O'Brien

This week Apple stores are holding free computer programming classes for children. Or as that's called in China, a job fair. — Conan O'Brien

A lot of our writers, like Conan O'Brien, moved on to other things — Matt Groening

People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment. — Conan O'Brien

California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up. — Conan O'Brien

San Francisco is the only city in America where marijuana is legal but plastic bags are not. — Conan O'Brien

After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are - and I will eliminate them.' — Conan O'Brien

I hear YouTube, Twitter and Facebook are merging to form a super Social Media site - YouTwitFace. — Conan O'Brien

Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams. — Conan O'Brien

Today in Washington, D.C., several government buildings were left without power. Of course, the White House will be without power for two more years. — Conan O'Brien

If you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst to profound reinvention. — Conan O'Brien

Keep cool my babies. — Conan O'Brien

I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too. — Conan O'Brien

A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it. — Conan O'Brien

Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed. — Conan O'Brien

In New York the other day, there was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. Only four people showed up ... and three of them were made out of crepe paper! — Conan O'Brien

According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does. — Conan O'Brien

For the first time since 2007, the FDA Has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable. — Conan O'Brien

People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida. — Conan O'Brien

I'll say I'm happy doing my thing. No one says 'no comment' anymore. — Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It's been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history. — Conan O'Brien

Obama was heckled by someone who said, 'Don't forget about medical marijuana.' The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A. — Conan O'Brien

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right? — Conan O'Brien

NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in. — Conan O'Brien

I have an abacus at home. — Conan O'Brien

Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we're going to keep Obamacare. — Conan O'Brien

Thirty-five things have to go wrong for the best thing to happen in your career — Conan O'Brien

A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh. — Conan O'Brien

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream. — Conan O'Brien

'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him. — Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters - all of whom are late night comedians. — Conan O'Brien

Geraldo Rivera says Osama bin Laden is hiding out in Pakistan ... which means the most hated man in Afghanistan is now Geraldo Rivera. — Conan O'Brien

A congressman sent a tweet that compared president Obama to Adolf Hitler. He has now apologized. It's not helping that he apologized to Hitler. — Conan O'Brien

Disappointment leads to clarity, which leads to conviction and true originality. — Conan O'Brien

President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama's mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran. — Conan O'Brien

First Lady Michelle Obama has posted an exercise video of her beating up a punching bag. But don't worry, Vice President Biden is going to be OK. — Conan O'Brien

President Obama announced that he's going to reopen diplomatic relations with Cuba. He wants to act before Seth Rogen makes a movie about Castro. — Conan O'Brien

Let's just agree any group of 3 or more handsome British men should be referred to as a 'cumberbatch.' — Conan O'Brien

St.Patrick's Day is named for St. Patrick, the first guy to feed Guinness to a snake. — Conan O'Brien

If Sony's not going to show 'The Interview,' that's it. No more North Korean movies for me. — Conan O'Brien

Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here's the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke. — Conan O'Brien

My favorite comedy is comedy where nothing is achieved and there is no point. — Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien's show was speaking to a massive and young audience, and he would put us in weekly bits on Late Night. — Amy Poehler

Today Facebook went public, just as Myspace's last user went private. — Conan O'Brien

By the power invested in me by the state of New York and the Universal Life Church, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You can kiss the groom. — Conan O'Brien

Once you discover white paint, you'll never wash your underwear again. — Conan O'Brien

Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call. — Conan O'Brien

The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt. — Conan O'Brien

Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how long it's been since I have been able to wear my "Go Iran" T-shirt? — Conan O'Brien