Chelsea Handler Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Chelsea Handler quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

The saying that money doesn't buy you happiness is true. But it sure as fuck helps. — Chelsea Handler

It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer. — Chelsea Handler

I think nudity is funny, especially when it's inappropriate. — Chelsea Handler

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting. — Chelsea Handler

Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh. — Chelsea Handler

I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable. — Chelsea Handler

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle. — Chelsea Handler

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself. — Chelsea Handler

I don't know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin. — Chelsea Handler

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet. — Chelsea Handler

Once I turned 40, my whole life changed in the most mature - not boring way but much cooler way. I feel much more like an adult. — Chelsea Handler

I'm a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you're stupid. — Chelsea Handler

I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role. — Chelsea Handler

I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're dealing with in your life. — Chelsea Handler

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself. — Chelsea Handler

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life. — Chelsea Handler

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there. — Chelsea Handler

I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense. — Chelsea Handler

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks. — Chelsea Handler

I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters — Chelsea Handler

Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don't do meth, but maybe if they called meth 'Stefanie' I would! — Chelsea Handler

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides. — Chelsea Handler

Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding. — Chelsea Handler

I believe people who shower twice a day are hiding a secret, or a sandwich. — Chelsea Handler

I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever. — Chelsea Handler

First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole. — Chelsea Handler

I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four. — Chelsea Handler

When I get married, I'm gonna register at Bank of America. — Chelsea Handler

I thought I'd become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much. — Chelsea Handler

I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth. — Chelsea Handler

The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm way too divisive for a show like that. — Chelsea Handler

The important thing is to be drunk. — Chelsea Handler

Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut. — Chelsea Handler

And last but not least, go for it. Go wherever you can afford to go with whomever you can get to go with you. — Chelsea Handler

Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either. — Chelsea Handler

You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it. — Chelsea Handler

I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory. — Chelsea Handler

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels. — Chelsea Handler

People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with itch, hunt, & bore. — Chelsea Handler

If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life. — Chelsea Handler

If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself. — Chelsea Handler

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself. — Chelsea Handler

Choose the guy that's going to make you a better girl. — Chelsea Handler

There's nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you're not eating. — Chelsea Handler

I don't pretend to be a great interviewer; I don't even pretend to be good at my job. — Chelsea Handler

I think you do need two terms as a president. — Chelsea Handler

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows. — Chelsea Handler

When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me? — Chelsea Handler

Every time I had a book come out, I'm like, 'Is it going to be number one?' — Chelsea Handler

The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life. — Chelsea Handler

If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust? — Chelsea Handler

I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor. — Chelsea Handler

I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned. — Chelsea Handler

I love Sandra Bullock. I think everybody loves her. — Chelsea Handler

Your lack of geographical knowledge is truly astounding. — Chelsea Handler

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes. — Chelsea Handler

If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong. — Chelsea Handler

My life and my legs have been an open book. — Chelsea Handler

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times. — Chelsea Handler

The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama's always around me. — Chelsea Handler

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age ... and you have your own TV show. — Chelsea Handler

You can't have friendships that aren't based on realness. — Chelsea Handler

You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of. — Chelsea Handler

You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women. — Chelsea Handler

I love Chelsea Handler. — Lauren Conrad

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern. — Chelsea Handler

I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven very well for me. — Chelsea Handler

I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little. — Chelsea Handler

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. — Chelsea Handler

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. — Chelsea Handler

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top. — Chelsea Handler

I was broke from 19 to 26, borrowing money from my parents or my brothers or sisters every week to pay the bills. — Chelsea Handler

Now picture the suspenders attached to a pair of sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term camel balls. — Chelsea Handler

That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka. — Chelsea Handler

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all. — Chelsea Handler

We women have to stick together. — Chelsea Handler

I think Chelsea Handler is the funniest woman. — David Alan Grier

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle. — Chelsea Handler

Jennifer Aniston is one of the most down-to-earth, low-key people I know. — Chelsea Handler

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody. — Chelsea Handler

Jews are underdogs - not in my world, obviously, they're not. — Chelsea Handler

I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything — Chelsea Handler

I'm not superstitious at all. I'm not a Russian. — Chelsea Handler

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree. — Chelsea Handler

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway. — Chelsea Handler

I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant ... if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption? — Chelsea Handler

I had a therapist once tell me to "sit with my shit," and I believe that to be a necessary evil of being constantly disappointed. — Chelsea Handler

Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes. — Chelsea Handler

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings. — Chelsea Handler

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office. — Chelsea Handler

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that. — Chelsea Handler

I have severe ADD, and I'm constantly looking to amuse myself. — Chelsea Handler

That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort. — Chelsea Handler

They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self. — Chelsea Handler

It is possible to chip your tooth while eating gummy bears when a plane is landing. — Chelsea Handler

I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers. — Chelsea Handler

I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities. — Chelsea Handler

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men. — Chelsea Handler

Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er. — Chelsea Handler

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline. — Chelsea Handler