Bill Engvall Quotes: top 85 famous quotes about Bill Engvall

Bill Engvall Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Bill Engvall quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I've learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains. — Bill Engvall

I think you can ban guns if you can just pull the trigger and 60 bullets fire out. — Bill Engvall

I'm a blue collar guy. — Bill Engvall

I used to hunt and fish. — Bill Engvall

I can't count the number of times I've been sound asleep, woke up, and I was doing my hair. — Bill Engvall

When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door? — Bill Engvall

There's a reason God didn't give me this success in my 20s, because I'd have blown it. — Bill Engvall

I'm from Texas. You would think my biggest draw would be in that state. But my biggest draw is Pennsylvania. — Bill Engvall

America loves to watch people growing and getting better. — Bill Engvall

I have fun on stage, so people think maybe they should, too. — Bill Engvall

'The Bill Engvall Show' is a comedy about a middle-class family in the Midwest. It's a great family show to watch if you want to laugh and unwind. — Nancy Travis

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day. — Bill Engvall

God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work. — Bill Engvall

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family. — Bill Engvall

If you watch the 'Blue Collar Tour,' I was probably the least redneck of everybody. — Bill Engvall

I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.' — Bill Engvall

My belief is that if we take away that right to bear arms, the only people that are going to have them are ... the ones breaking into your house. — Bill Engvall

Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome. — Bill Engvall

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the what about me people. I see the best we have to offer helping others. — Bill Engvall

I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes. — Bill Engvall

I love stand up, but every year, the road takes a little more out of you. — Bill Engvall

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim! — Bill Engvall

I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos. — Bill Engvall

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that. — Bill Engvall

I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process. — Bill Engvall

Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.' — Bill Engvall

I don't pick on people. — Bill Engvall

If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up! — Bill Engvall

If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen. — Bill Engvall

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me. — Bill Engvall

I'm a California Angels fan because that's the first game my dad took me to see, and they stuck with me. — Bill Engvall

I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life ... God ... I would be drunk with power. — Bill Engvall

What I do is not regional comedy, and it is not based in the southern area. — Bill Engvall

A lot of times you go to a concert, and when you leave, you don't know anything more about the act then when you got there. — Bill Engvall

I've really got no complaints. — Bill Engvall

I love playing the bitter guy. — Bill Engvall

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations." — Bill Engvall

Now people live into their 90s and beyond. As long as I have quality of life, I'm good. — Bill Engvall

In syndication, the biggest buyers are car dealerships. — Bill Engvall

Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list. — Bill Engvall

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties ... welcome to my world. — Bill Engvall

I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color. — Bill Engvall

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads. — Bill Engvall

Europe has such an expansive history. — Bill Engvall

I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.' — Bill Engvall

My favorite road trip ever is when my wife and I took an RV around the country. We just had the best time. — Bill Engvall

I don't believe there's any reason for a person like myself to own an AK-47. — Bill Engvall

I eat fish, chicken, vegetables and other healthier foods. I do love a great steak. — Bill Engvall

I've never said I was the best dancer, and I never said I was a good dancer. — Bill Engvall

You know as well as I do that the family sitcom was the stalwart of TV for God knows how many decades. — Bill Engvall

Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person. — Bill Engvall

People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don't want to turn on the TV and say, 'What is this crap?' — Bill Engvall

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge. — Bill Engvall

Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list. — Bill Engvall

I don't have big time celebrity friends - I'm just a guy. — Bill Engvall

To be honest with you, I still eat whatever I want. It's all about portion control. I still love pizza, but instead of eating half, I eat a slice. — Bill Engvall

The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you. — Bill Engvall

I'm here to kill the deer, She wants to take it shoppin. — Bill Engvall

No sooner my kids leave their friends than they start texting them. And it's all in code in a language I totally don't understand. — Bill Engvall

People all over are finding themselves in jobs they never thought they'd be in. — Bill Engvall

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute. — Bill Engvall

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger. — Bill Engvall

I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards. — Bill Engvall

I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies. — Bill Engvall

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums. — Bill Engvall

It's fun being Bill Engvall. — Bill Engvall

My goal is for 'The Bill Engvall Show' to be a show the networks look at and say, 'Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.' — Bill Engvall

I haven't been really nervous about a gig in a long time. — Bill Engvall

I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree. — Bill Engvall

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!". — Bill Engvall

I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south. — Bill Engvall

I'm a big animal fanatic. — Bill Engvall

Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass ... but you just pushed my jackass button. — Bill Engvall

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men — Bill Engvall

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey. — Bill Engvall

It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy. — Bill Engvall

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop. — Bill Engvall

Left to my own vices, all I would own is a Corvette, and it would be broken down. — Bill Engvall

You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter! — Bill Engvall

I dream of acting with Kevin Costner. I would love to do a movie with him. Not something funny, but a dramatic role. — Bill Engvall

I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.' — Bill Engvall

You can't climb a tile wall. — Bill Engvall

I like to hang on to cars. I'm not one of these guys that goes flipping cars all the time. If I find a car I like, I stick with it. — Bill Engvall

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered? — Bill Engvall

I always wanted to be an actor. I always wanted to be John Wayne. — Bill Engvall