Mitch Hedberg quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Mitch Hedberg on Wise Famous Quotes.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

I'm not into sports. I mean ... I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it ... and he's always on time.

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Why are there no "during" pictures?

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

Come on 'long prosperous life!'

If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Every picture of you is when you were younger.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time ... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers ... NOPE ... we got spaghetti!

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop"!

I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it's exact purpose!

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

It's weird ... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right.'

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.

Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break.

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.