Mitch Hedberg quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Mitch Hedberg on Wise Famous Quotes.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"

Mitch Hedberg quotes: A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

Mitch Hedberg quotes: Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I'm not into sports. I mean ... I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.

I'm not into sports. I mean ... I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it ... and he's always on time.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it ... and he's always on time.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: Why are there no "during" pictures?

Why are there no "during" pictures?

Mitch Hedberg quotes: One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

Mitch Hedberg quotes: If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

Mitch Hedberg quotes: When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: Come on 'long prosperous life!'

Come on 'long prosperous life!'

Mitch Hedberg quotes: If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: Every picture of you is when you were younger.

Every picture of you is when you were younger.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"

I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"

Mitch Hedberg quotes: Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time ... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time ... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers ... NOPE ... we got spaghetti!

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers ... NOPE ... we got spaghetti!

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch

I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop"!

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it's exact purpose!

I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it's exact purpose!

Mitch Hedberg quotes: If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

Mitch Hedberg quotes: It's weird ... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

It's weird ... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right.'

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right.'

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

Mitch Hedberg quotes: They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.

People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break.

Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Mitch Hedberg quotes: I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.