To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better. 
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number ... She looked great going down the stairs.
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation. 
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better 
The school had a big problem with drugs ... especially Class A. 
I've got a bit of Scottish Blood ... On my kitchen knife!! 
I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels. 
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony. 
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so ... retired mermaids. 
Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner. 
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever. 
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education ... because they were both druids. 
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye. 