Lily Tomlin Quotes

When we talk to god, it's prayer. When god talks to us, it's schizophrenia.

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

Did you know, in the entire universe, we are the only intelligent life forms thought to have a Miss Universe contest?

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

I always wanted to be something, but now I see I should have been more specific.

If beauty is truth, why don't women go to the library to have their hair done?

The formula for water is H2O. Is the formula for an ice cube H2O squared?

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

We're giving jobs to people who would otherwise be out of work if we weren't exploiting cheap labor.

I try to be cynical, but it's so hard to keep up.

Reality is nothing more than a collective hunch.

What I appreciate is acknowledging to the audience that I think they have brains.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

But there are too many people that make so much money at the cost of lives of other humans and for no reason but to make the money.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

Growing up in Michigan was fine ... until I realized where I was.

I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.

We are people with lives, not consumers with lifestyles.

People hire me to create some kind of archetype or some culture type, or something. I guess they accept whatever I come up with.

Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.

The best mind altering drug is the truth.

I feel some part of me can wake up and be very existential and the next day wake up and be sort of in love with the universe.

The road to success is always under construction

I always wondered why somebody didn't do something about that. And then I realized I was somebody.

When we speak to God, we call it prayer; when God speaks back, we call it psychosis!

For fast-acting relief from stress, try slowing down.

Wouldn't it be great if we all grew up to be what we wanted to be? The world would be full of nurses, firemen, and ballerinas.

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.

What if it's boring - or if it's not boring, it might be too revealing, or worse, it might be too revealing and still be boring.

I worry about kids today - because of the sexual revolution, they're going to grow up and never know what "dirty" means.

Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.

I guess that's one of the reasons that you do it - work all the time - because it's sort of a high to find something that really works.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

9 to 5 made people aware of equal pay for equal work. It hasn't really happened, but it has come closer.

I guess if people couldn't profit from war I don't think there would be war.

I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it's much too confining.

So if you've had a good time tonight, or if you've had a good time any night, for gosh sake's why not drop a dollar in the mail to me?

Being a New Yorker is never having to say you are sorry.

Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year-everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth.

Creating characters is just another way to express a type and put that type to use.

Truth is, I've always been selling out. The difference is that in the past, I looked like I had integrity because there were no buyers.

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.

Infinity is just time on an ego trip.

After all, in private, we're all misfits

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

Thank God kids never mean well

Maybe if people started to listen, history would stop repeating itself.

I was always empathetic with animals. It's a terrible and self-involved point of view that we do something because someone else is exploitable.

I was always drawn to more the social-expression-of-culture types.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

I especially love 'Web Therapy' and I did 'Eastbound and Down' too. I had a lot of fun doing that.

We're all in this alone.

If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.

Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that's the truth.

If you have a dog or a cat, you know how developed they can be. How sensitive, how aware. They suffer. We all do.

I think life is perverse. It can be beautiful, but it won't.

The larger picture is really to swing people's awareness of what really is moral.

If life is so meaningless, then why are we always bringing it up?

You are what you think ... geez, that's frightening ...

We're all in this together alone.

There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.

I bought a box of animal crackers, but there was nothing inside. They'd eaten each other.

I still believe that sex is dirty. It's just that now I wouldn't have it any other way.

Having a real public outlet is how you imprint something for yourself. It's just a matter of timing. It's like you've marked your territory.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down where you can find it.

To me, "sexual freedom" means freedom from having to have sex.

There's nothing sadder than getting to the end of your life and saying, 'I didn't do it right'.

Even when I'm being funny, I'm deadly serious.

Exercise is for people who can't handle drugs or alcohol.

No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.

If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed!

If you can't be direct, why be?

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

Well, if I can be of any help at all, you are in worse trouble than I thought.

In the depths of the night, fear grips my heart. It paralyzes my mind. But most of all, I feel very, very alone

Just remember, we're all in this alone.

Sometimes i worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing.

I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.

It's a more ridiculing, divisive humor today.

If trying harder doesn't work, try softer.

Remember we're all in this alone.

When I've had a meltdown, people will say to me, "Well, you failed to keep your sense of humor."

Does your mind feel more and more like teflon? Nothing sticks to it?

I said "Somebody should do something about that." Then I realized I am somebody.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

What is reality, anyway? Just a collective hunch.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

Every day I read the newspapers, and no matter how cynical I get, it's imposssible to keep up.

No matter how cynical I get, I can't keep up.

Language was invented because of the deep human need to complain.

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.