Justin Halpern quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Justin Halpern on Wise Famous Quotes.

You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works.

Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read.

The worst thing you can be is a liar ... Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.

You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.

I almost feel like I'm unoffendable now. I can roll with whatever.

Don't touch that knife. YOU never need to be holding a knife ... I don't give a shit, learn how to butter stuff with a spoon

Joey looked confused and horrified, like a stripper bursting out of a cake only to realize she's been accidentally delivered to a baby shower.

If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup

Just tell me how much money I have to give you to never leave this couch.

On Lego's
Listen, I don't want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks a pile of shit.

You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it.

Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.

Advice is bullshit. It's just one asshole's opinion.

On My Trip to Europe I know you think you're going to get all kinds of laid. It's not a magic place, it's the same as here. Don't be stupid.

Do people your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.

You worry too much. Eat some bacon ... what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.

On the SATs Remember, it's just a test. If you fuck up, it doesn't mean you're a fuckup. That said, try not to fuck this up. It's pretty important.

Out of your league?! What fucking league are you talking about?! You are a man, she is a fucking woman! That is all that matters, goddamn it!

The dog is not bored. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking Rubik's Cube. He's a goddamned dog.

Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you.

I just want silence ... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.

You say you're sick, huh? Well, it looks like you've come down with a case of bullshit.

When I die, I die. I could give a shit, 'cause it ain't my problem. I'd just rather not shit my pants on the way there,

We aint a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that.

Human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.

Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.

You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.

Democracy ain't so fun when it fucks you.

My dad is awesome.

On Friendship
You got good friends. I like them. I don't think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one.

Nobody likes practice, but whats worse: practicing or sucking at something? ... Oh give me a fucking break, practicing is NOT worse than sucking.

See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.

That woman was sexy ... Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

When I had an earache, my mom would piss in my ear to kill the pain,

I was an angst-y journal writing kid.

Your friends' parents drive like assholes. Tell them it's an elementary school parking lot, not downtown fucking Manhattan.

Life is fucking long, especially if you're stupid.

You can do what you want. But I can also do what I want. And what I'll be doing is telling everyone how fucking stupid your tattoo is.

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.

How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes.

Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.

Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes.

There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry..

When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.

I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving this shit.

Self-administering oral sex is not my cup of tea, but you have to hand it to him for his ruthless determination to enjoy himself.