Justin Halpern quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Justin Halpern on Wise Famous Quotes.

Justin Halpern quotes: You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life.

You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life.

Justin Halpern quotes: The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

Justin Halpern quotes: It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works.

It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works.

Justin Halpern quotes: Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read.

Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read.

Justin Halpern quotes: The worst thing you can be is a liar ... Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one,

The worst thing you can be is a liar ... Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.

Justin Halpern quotes: You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.

You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.

Justin Halpern quotes: I almost feel like I'm unoffendable now. I can roll with whatever.

I almost feel like I'm unoffendable now. I can roll with whatever.

Justin Halpern quotes: Don't touch that knife. YOU never need to be holding a knife ... I don't give a shit, learn how to butter stuff with a spoon

Don't touch that knife. YOU never need to be holding a knife ... I don't give a shit, learn how to butter stuff with a spoon

Justin Halpern quotes: Joey looked confused and horrified, like a stripper bursting out of a cake only to realize she's been accidentally delivered to a baby shower.

Joey looked confused and horrified, like a stripper bursting out of a cake only to realize she's been accidentally delivered to a baby shower.

Justin Halpern quotes: If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup

If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup

Justin Halpern quotes: Just tell me how much money I have to give you to never leave this couch.

Just tell me how much money I have to give you to never leave this couch.

Justin Halpern quotes: On Lego'sListen, I don't want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks a pile of shit.

On Lego's
Listen, I don't want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks a pile of shit.

Justin Halpern quotes: You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it.

You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it.

Justin Halpern quotes: Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.

Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.

Justin Halpern quotes: Advice is bullshit. It's just one asshole's opinion.

Advice is bullshit. It's just one asshole's opinion.

Justin Halpern quotes: On My Trip to Europe I know you think you're going to get all kinds of laid. It's not a magic place, it's the same as here. Don't be stupid.

On My Trip to Europe I know you think you're going to get all kinds of laid. It's not a magic place, it's the same as here. Don't be stupid.

Justin Halpern quotes: Do people your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.

Do people your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.

Justin Halpern quotes: You worry too much. Eat some bacon ... what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.

You worry too much. Eat some bacon ... what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.

Justin Halpern quotes: On the SATs Remember, it's just a test. If you fuck up, it doesn't mean you're a fuckup. That said, try not to fuck this up. It's pretty important.

On the SATs Remember, it's just a test. If you fuck up, it doesn't mean you're a fuckup. That said, try not to fuck this up. It's pretty important.

Justin Halpern quotes: Out of your league?! What fucking league are you talking about?! You are a man, she is a fucking woman! That is all that matters, goddamn it!

Out of your league?! What fucking league are you talking about?! You are a man, she is a fucking woman! That is all that matters, goddamn it!

Justin Halpern quotes: The dog is not bored. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking Rubik's Cube. He's a goddamned dog.

The dog is not bored. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking Rubik's Cube. He's a goddamned dog.

Justin Halpern quotes: Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you.

Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you.

Justin Halpern quotes: I just want silence ... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.

I just want silence ... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.

Justin Halpern quotes: You say you're sick, huh? Well, it looks like you've come down with a case of bullshit.

You say you're sick, huh? Well, it looks like you've come down with a case of bullshit.

Justin Halpern quotes: When I die, I die. I could give a shit, 'cause it ain't my problem. I'd just rather not shit my pants on the way there,

When I die, I die. I could give a shit, 'cause it ain't my problem. I'd just rather not shit my pants on the way there,

Justin Halpern quotes: We aint a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that.

We aint a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that.

Justin Halpern quotes: Human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.

Human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.

Justin Halpern quotes: Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.

Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.

Justin Halpern quotes: You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.

You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.

Justin Halpern quotes: Democracy ain't so fun when it fucks you.

Democracy ain't so fun when it fucks you.

Justin Halpern quotes: My dad is awesome.

My dad is awesome.

Justin Halpern quotes: On FriendshipYou got good friends. I like them. I don't think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one.

On Friendship
You got good friends. I like them. I don't think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one.

Justin Halpern quotes: Nobody likes practice, but whats worse: practicing or sucking at something? ... Oh give me a fucking break, practicing is NOT worse than sucking.

Nobody likes practice, but whats worse: practicing or sucking at something? ... Oh give me a fucking break, practicing is NOT worse than sucking.

Justin Halpern quotes: See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.

See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.

Justin Halpern quotes: That woman was sexy ... Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

That woman was sexy ... Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

Justin Halpern quotes: When I had an earache, my mom would piss in my ear to kill the pain,

When I had an earache, my mom would piss in my ear to kill the pain,

Justin Halpern quotes: I was an angst-y journal writing kid.

I was an angst-y journal writing kid.

Justin Halpern quotes: Your friends' parents drive like assholes. Tell them it's an elementary school parking lot, not downtown fucking Manhattan.

Your friends' parents drive like assholes. Tell them it's an elementary school parking lot, not downtown fucking Manhattan.

Justin Halpern quotes: Life is fucking long, especially if you're stupid.

Life is fucking long, especially if you're stupid.

Justin Halpern quotes: You can do what you want. But I can also do what I want. And what I'll be doing is telling everyone how fucking stupid your tattoo is.

You can do what you want. But I can also do what I want. And what I'll be doing is telling everyone how fucking stupid your tattoo is.

Justin Halpern quotes: Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.

Justin Halpern quotes: How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes.

How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes.

Justin Halpern quotes: Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.

Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.

Justin Halpern quotes: Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes.

Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes.

Justin Halpern quotes: There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.

There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.

Justin Halpern quotes: No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry..

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry..

Justin Halpern quotes: When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.

When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.

Justin Halpern quotes: I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving this shit.

I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving this shit.

Justin Halpern quotes: Self-administering oral sex is not my cup of tea, but you have to hand it to him for his ruthless determination to enjoy himself.

Self-administering oral sex is not my cup of tea, but you have to hand it to him for his ruthless determination to enjoy himself.