Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Jerry Seinfeld

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Jerry Seinfeld Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Jerry Seinfeld on Wise Famous Quotes.

Jerry Seinfeld quotes: The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves. The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I was the best man at the wedding ... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? I was the best man at the wedding ... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex. Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match. A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex. Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help. A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence. A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets ... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman. The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets ... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to. Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I love advertising because I love lying. I love advertising because I love lying.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone? Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for. Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME! I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that. After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it. When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options. When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive. Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you're probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba. I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you're probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: We got the hot fudge on the bottom ... that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you're eating your ice cream. We got the hot fudge on the bottom ... that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you're eating your ice cream.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For? Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society. Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: There is no such thing as love for the whole family. There is no such thing as love for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: What's the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don't they call it Roundtine? What's the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don't they call it Roundtine?
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I love the day date. No wine, no shower. I love the day date. No wine, no shower.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it. I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets. Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: You see, that's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me. You see, that's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: The biggest laugh has to come at the end. The biggest laugh has to come at the end.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge. The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide. I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I prefer the old theaters because the audience is ... trapped. I prefer the old theaters because the audience is ... trapped.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: If people would only *Look to the Cookie* - all our problems would be solved If people would only *Look to the Cookie* - all our problems would be solved
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities. Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time. I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I am freaking out! I am freaking out I am freaking out! I am freaking out
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers? I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: What the hell, I'll just eat some trash. What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything. It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on 'How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space? Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on 'How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Economy is essential to all good art. Economy is essential to all good art.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It's a force for good or evil. It's no different from money. It's power. Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It's a force for good or evil. It's no different from money. It's power.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have to handle. Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have to handle.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information. To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I like money, but it's never been about the money. I like money, but it's never been about the money.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work. Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer. I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away. Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965. Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire. I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach? If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: No encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public. No encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning. The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters. Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking. I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily? Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in. I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity. That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out. You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team. I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I am speechless: I have no speech I am speechless: I have no speech
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Stand-up is hard. Stand-up is hard.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!! I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames. Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it's a relic, Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it's a relic,
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Why would anybody want a friend? Why would anybody want a friend?
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Festivus for the Restivus! Festivus for the Restivus!
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: The funniest part of that joke is, 'say what you will about Hitler'.-to Ricky Gervais on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee The funniest part of that joke is, 'say what you will about Hitler'.
-to Ricky Gervais on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: i chose not to run i chose not to run
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more! I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public. People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Can't you at least die with a little dignity? Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
Jerry Seinfeld quotes: Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it. Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.

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