Jerry Seinfeld quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Jerry Seinfeld on Wise Famous Quotes.

The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

I was the best man at the wedding ... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.

Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.

A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.

A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.

The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets ... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.

Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to.

I love advertising because I love lying.

Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?

Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.

I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!

If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire

After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience.

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive.

I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you're probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba.

We got the hot fudge on the bottom ... that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you're eating your ice cream.

Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?

Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society.

There is no such thing as love for the whole family.

What's the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don't they call it Roundtine?

I love the day date. No wine, no shower.

I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.

You see, that's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.

The biggest laugh has to come at the end.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained.

The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.

I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is ... trapped.

If people would only *Look to the Cookie* - all our problems would be solved

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.

I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time.

I am freaking out! I am freaking out

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.

Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on 'How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?

Economy is essential to all good art.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It's a force for good or evil. It's no different from money. It's power.

Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have to handle.

Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.

There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.

To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.

I like money, but it's never been about the money.

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day

Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.

I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

No encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public.

The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?

I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

I am speechless: I have no speech

We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment.

Stand-up is hard.

I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!

Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.

Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it's a relic,

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

Why would anybody want a friend?

As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that.

You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind

Festivus for the Restivus!

The funniest part of that joke is, 'say what you will about Hitler'.
-to Ricky Gervais on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee

i chose not to run

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!

People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

Can't you at least die with a little dignity?

Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.