Jarod Kintz Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Jarod Kintz

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Jarod Kintz Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Jarod Kintz on Wise Famous Quotes.

Jarod Kintz quotes: A brick could be used as a way to motivate yourself to succeed. I'm proof that it works. It's how I managed to get second to last in my last A brick could be used as a way to motivate yourself to succeed. I'm proof that it works. It's how I managed to get second to last in my last race.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Life is short. But so are midgets. Life is short. But so are midgets.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I speak Spanish like I chew spinach - like it's dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench. I speak Spanish like I chew spinach - like it's dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I'll tell you love is like a pickle, and then I'll reach my hand into the jar to grab the last one. I'll tell you love is like a pickle, and then I'll reach my hand into the jar to grab the last one.
Jarod Kintz quotes: A brick could be used to wash your hands. And after that, I'd suggest you wash out your filthy mouth. Scrub it clean, you scatological talker you. A brick could be used to wash your hands. And after that, I'd suggest you wash out your filthy mouth. Scrub it clean, you scatological talker you.
Jarod Kintz quotes: He's a buying dude, and I've got to sell him something - like my credibility. (On sale Today through Labor Day.) He's a buying dude, and I've got to sell him something - like my credibility. (On sale Today through Labor Day.)
Jarod Kintz quotes: Reflecting on myself - it can be introspective, depending on if I'm standing in front of a mirror at that moment or not. Reflecting on myself - it can be introspective, depending on if I'm standing in front of a mirror at that moment or not.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I have a responsibility as a human being to care for animals - including politicians. I have a responsibility as a human being to care for animals - including politicians.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I got shingles from my ex girlfriend. But that's to be expected, since she is a roofer. I got shingles from my ex girlfriend. But that's to be expected, since she is a roofer.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Sometimes I think I know her. This is not one of those times. This is not 3:33. Sometimes I think I know her. This is not one of those times. This is not 3:33.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I made plans out of hope, expectation, desire, and duct tape, and I broke those plans with my bare hands. I made plans out of hope, expectation, desire, and duct tape, and I broke those plans with my bare hands.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I'm 20 miles from 200 miles from nowhere. I'm 20 miles from 200 miles from nowhere.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming. Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.
Jarod Kintz quotes: He seemed to swallow the lie I fed him. I hope he's not still hungry. If he is, I'll give him the illusory dessert known as the American Dream. He seemed to swallow the lie I fed him. I hope he's not still hungry. If he is, I'll give him the illusory dessert known as the American Dream.
Jarod Kintz quotes: In the long run, a treadmill's a great investment. In the long run, a treadmill's a great investment.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I want to write a song based on my own childbirth. Of course, this is all a bit premature. I want to write a song based on my own childbirth. Of course, this is all a bit premature.
Jarod Kintz quotes: As a storyteller, I appreciate a great tale. As a cat lover, I appreciate a great tail. As a storyteller, I appreciate a great tale. As a cat lover, I appreciate a great tail.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Alzheimer's is the cleverest thief, because she not only steals from you, but she steals the very thing you need to remember what's been stolen. Alzheimer's is the cleverest thief, because she not only steals from you, but she steals the very thing you need to remember what's been stolen.
Jarod Kintz quotes: When I'm competing to be on the bottom during sex, I always come out on top. When I'm competing to be on the bottom during sex, I always come out on top.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes it to a whole new level. I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes it to a whole new level.
Jarod Kintz quotes: The darkness has ink eyes, and if you stare long enough, you're going to see it blink black. That's the moment to start writing. The darkness has ink eyes, and if you stare long enough, you're going to see it blink black. That's the moment to start writing.
Jarod Kintz quotes: A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn't always better. Don't you want to make love better? A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn't always better. Don't you want to make love better?
Jarod Kintz quotes: I'm too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn't be productive, I'd be reproductive. I'm too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn't be productive, I'd be reproductive.
Jarod Kintz quotes: My office window overlooks a parking lot. I've got the best view on the whole submarine. My office window overlooks a parking lot. I've got the best view on the whole submarine.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I wish I had money now. If only I'd saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze, and floozies. I wish I had money now. If only I'd saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze, and floozies.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Christ was the son, I am a magnifying glass, and you are an ant. Christ was the son, I am a magnifying glass, and you are an ant.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I am the love machine of desire. I'm easy to operate. Just pull on my lever. I am the love machine of desire. I'm easy to operate. Just pull on my lever.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Today I'm feeling uncharacteristically chiaroscuro, and I don't know what that means for my future, or as a word. Today I'm feeling uncharacteristically chiaroscuro, and I don't know what that means for my future, or as a word.
Jarod Kintz quotes: In a dream, in her head means in my head, as I have unrestricted access to her thoughts and the innermost parts of her body. In a dream, in her head means in my head, as I have unrestricted access to her thoughts and the innermost parts of her body.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I am a fisherman, a hunter, and a lover. A lover of men, not animals. And by men I mean women. I am a fisherman, a hunter, and a lover. A lover of men, not animals. And by men I mean women.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Times like those I borrow somebody else's nametag. I make love like Todd. At least Today I do. Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Times like those I borrow somebody else's nametag. I make love like Todd. At least Today I do.
Jarod Kintz quotes: She didn't just disappear from my life - she had the audacity to die on me. And until I get Alzheimer's, I will never forget it. She didn't just disappear from my life - she had the audacity to die on me. And until I get Alzheimer's, I will never forget it.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I work for the nod syndicate. It's a sleepy job. If I'm caught not sleeping on the job, I'll get fired. I work for the nod syndicate. It's a sleepy job. If I'm caught not sleeping on the job, I'll get fired.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I found Waldo. He was in a strip club. He was hard to spot, because he'd already stripped off his red and white striped sweater and was all sweaty. I found Waldo. He was in a strip club. He was hard to spot, because he'd already stripped off his red and white striped sweater and was all sweaty.
Jarod Kintz quotes: My apartment complex isn't. No, it's simple. I used to think our love was simple, until Chris Hemsworth moved into your heart. My apartment complex isn't. No, it's simple. I used to think our love was simple, until Chris Hemsworth moved into your heart.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I carry my love over, and I carry over the two when we multiply. I carry my love over, and I carry over the two when we multiply.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I've got washboard abs. Go ahead, get rid of your dishwasher. I've got washboard abs. Go ahead, get rid of your dishwasher.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Standing around making ten dollars an hour - that's what they pay me the big bucks for. Standing around making ten dollars an hour - that's what they pay me the big bucks for.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I don't believe in astronomy. Or is it astrology? I always get those two confused. But I'll tell you, that Copernicus was full of shit. I don't believe in astronomy. Or is it astrology? I always get those two confused. But I'll tell you, that Copernicus was full of shit.
Jarod Kintz quotes: My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them. My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I'd rather fall in molten lava than fall in love. But I suppose that's just the romantic me. I'd rather fall in molten lava than fall in love. But I suppose that's just the romantic me.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Turn the fan off when I'm talking. It not only makes my words colder, but it distorts and dilutes what I'm saying. Turn the fan off when I'm talking. It not only makes my words colder, but it distorts and dilutes what I'm saying.
Jarod Kintz quotes: A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I'm sorry to have to tell you I'm sorry, but that's life, you know? A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I'm sorry to have to tell you I'm sorry, but that's life, you know?
Jarod Kintz quotes: The sign on the side of the highway said "Shoulder Work," and I thought, "I could go for a massage right now." So I pulled over. The sign on the side of the highway said "Shoulder Work," and I thought, "I could go for a massage right now." So I pulled over.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Used is to sued, as brick is to Kricb, and that is such a profound observation on my part that I'm afraid I don't fully grasp it at the moment. Used is to sued, as brick is to Kricb, and that is such a profound observation on my part that I'm afraid I don't fully grasp it at the moment.
Jarod Kintz quotes: In flew influence, and out fluttered humility. Be like a butterfly and a flower - beautiful and sought after, yet unassuming and gentle. In flew influence, and out fluttered humility. Be like a butterfly and a flower - beautiful and sought after, yet unassuming and gentle.
Jarod Kintz quotes: A brick could be used in a smash and grab. Well, at least in the smashing aspect. A blanket would be more suited to the grab role. A brick could be used in a smash and grab. Well, at least in the smashing aspect. A blanket would be more suited to the grab role.
Jarod Kintz quotes: A being of light for a pet wouldn't be furry, but it would keep you warm - and awake at night. A being of light for a pet wouldn't be furry, but it would keep you warm - and awake at night.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I am a jealous husband wife, and I feel your pain. All of it, for all of you. I am a jealous husband wife, and I feel your pain. All of it, for all of you.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity. Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Walk Like A Pine Tree Day occurs on Stand Still Day. Orafoura and I observe both - and we observe whatever else we may be standing next to. Walk Like A Pine Tree Day occurs on Stand Still Day. Orafoura and I observe both - and we observe whatever else we may be standing next to.
Jarod Kintz quotes: A blanket could be used to confuse and disorient. Think of it not as a bed adornment, but as a really big blindfold. A blanket could be used to confuse and disorient. Think of it not as a bed adornment, but as a really big blindfold.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Being a parent is a gift, one which most men unselfishly allow women to keep all to themselves. Being a parent is a gift, one which most men unselfishly allow women to keep all to themselves.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I'm a bean counter. Oh, I'm not an accountant, but I did spill pinto beans on the counter. I'm a bean counter. Oh, I'm not an accountant, but I did spill pinto beans on the counter.
Jarod Kintz quotes: The basketball team was trailing by three points. I trail by four points - north, south, east, and west. I also trail by covered wagon. The basketball team was trailing by three points. I trail by four points - north, south, east, and west. I also trail by covered wagon.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Sometimes I'll forget a utensil's name, and I'll say, "Give me that pointy thing," as I point with my pointy finger. Sometimes I'll forget a utensil's name, and I'll say, "Give me that pointy thing," as I point with my pointy finger.
Jarod Kintz quotes: A brick could be used like a giraffe could be used as a neck warmer. You could also use my foreskin. A brick could be used like a giraffe could be used as a neck warmer. You could also use my foreskin.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Meet the Robinsoons - but meet them later. Meet the Robinsoons - but meet them later.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Women are called the fairer sex. Are they just not as tan, or are they actually more reasonable? Women are called the fairer sex. Are they just not as tan, or are they actually more reasonable?
Jarod Kintz quotes: A brick could be crushed into powder, like cocaine, and snorted to stimulate the previous highs of the housing market. A brick could be crushed into powder, like cocaine, and snorted to stimulate the previous highs of the housing market.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Even a broken mirror isn't broken if it allows you to see who you really are - cracked down the middle in your duality. Even a broken mirror isn't broken if it allows you to see who you really are - cracked down the middle in your duality.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I stole the y, and what was yours is now ours. I stole the y, and what was yours is now ours.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I had a dream where I drank my own grandma. What she was doing disguised as a bottle of booze isn't entirely clear to me. I had a dream where I drank my own grandma. What she was doing disguised as a bottle of booze isn't entirely clear to me.
Jarod Kintz quotes: The name's David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I'm also not my own father, if you were wondering. The name's David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I'm also not my own father, if you were wondering.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I added five shots to my coffee, because that's all the bullets my magazine can hold. I added five shots to my coffee, because that's all the bullets my magazine can hold.
Jarod Kintz quotes: If my love were a bagel, I'd put cream cheese on it. But it's not a bagel, so I just put cheddar on top. Would you like to try a If my love were a bagel, I'd put cream cheese on it. But it's not a bagel, so I just put cheddar on top. Would you like to try a sample?
Jarod Kintz quotes: To catch affection, try being efficient by using a fishing net. You can't sit back and wait for romance to grow on trees. To catch affection, try being efficient by using a fishing net. You can't sit back and wait for romance to grow on trees.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Blankets could be used to make perimeter walls, to keep out an invading army wielding pillows instead of swords. Blankets could be used to make perimeter walls, to keep out an invading army wielding pillows instead of swords.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Farmers grow on the land. I suppose farmers grow farmers, rather than using sex to reproduce. Farmers grow on the land. I suppose farmers grow farmers, rather than using sex to reproduce.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I want to invent a drug to help people get off drugs. I want to invent a drug to help people get off drugs.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I like horse farms. I like the idea of animals growing on trees. I like horse farms. I like the idea of animals growing on trees.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I made a mistake, but I didn't beat myself up about it. No, I beat up my clone. I made a mistake, but I didn't beat myself up about it. No, I beat up my clone.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I had to put away my toy so it didn't get lost. After all, cats can't read maps or ask for directions, and they don't possess GPS. I had to put away my toy so it didn't get lost. After all, cats can't read maps or ask for directions, and they don't possess GPS.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive. I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I'm angry as hell. I'm angry for all the people who should be angry but aren't, either because they're too stupid or too timid. I'm angry as hell. I'm angry for all the people who should be angry but aren't, either because they're too stupid or too timid.
Jarod Kintz quotes: If a university's colors were blue and pink, they could be the Fighting Sunsets. If a university's colors were blue and pink, they could be the Fighting Sunsets.
Jarod Kintz quotes: People think I'm all gloom and doom all the time. I'm not. I also have bad days where I'm pessimistic. People think I'm all gloom and doom all the time. I'm not. I also have bad days where I'm pessimistic.
Jarod Kintz quotes: The lawyer said he couldn't take my case, even though I assured him it was stuffed with money. The lawyer said he couldn't take my case, even though I assured him it was stuffed with money.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I like to spoon after I fork. I like to spoon after I fork.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I prefer to let my voice do all the talking for me. I prefer to let my voice do all the talking for me.
Jarod Kintz quotes: To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle. To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Is something art just because a museum hangs it on their wall? Are you networking just because you're standing in a crowded room? Is something art just because a museum hangs it on their wall? Are you networking just because you're standing in a crowded room?
Jarod Kintz quotes: My love is as loud as it can be while still being silent. Would you describe our relationship as Helen Kelleresque My love is as loud as it can be while still being silent. Would you describe our relationship as Helen Kelleresque
Jarod Kintz quotes: I was part of a sting operation. We busted some bees. I was part of a sting operation. We busted some bees.
Jarod Kintz quotes: If what you wear says more about who you are then what you say when you speak, then my advice is to keep quiet and wear loud clothing. If what you wear says more about who you are then what you say when you speak, then my advice is to keep quiet and wear loud clothing.
Jarod Kintz quotes: It was a cover up. I could tell by the dust jacket. It was a cover up. I could tell by the dust jacket.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I refuse to dispense chewable advice for free. I'm not a bubblegum machine. No, my fees are 25 cents higher. I refuse to dispense chewable advice for free. I'm not a bubblegum machine. No, my fees are 25 cents higher.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Her name is Coy. She's shy, and I found her in my pond. Her name is Coy. She's shy, and I found her in my pond.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I wear my shirts backwards and inside out. It helps give my genitals more breathing room. I wear my shirts backwards and inside out. It helps give my genitals more breathing room.
Jarod Kintz quotes: The greatest thing in the world is love. But the worst isn't hate, it's ignoringance. The greatest thing in the world is love. But the worst isn't hate, it's ignoringance.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I can take care of myself, but I can't take care of myself and a child. I've decided to give myself up for adoption. I can take care of myself, but I can't take care of myself and a child. I've decided to give myself up for adoption.
Jarod Kintz quotes: Let my hand be a blanket for my penis. Let my hand be a blanket for my penis.
Jarod Kintz quotes: If trees had love, instead of leaves, I'd gladly rake you into a pile on my lawn and fall into you. If trees had love, instead of leaves, I'd gladly rake you into a pile on my lawn and fall into you.
Jarod Kintz quotes: My love disappeared, along with the evidence of her dead body. My love disappeared, along with the evidence of her dead body.
Jarod Kintz quotes: A blanket could be used to study the stars more thoroughly. I don't know how exactly, because I'm not Stephen Hawking. Somebody get me a wheelchair. A blanket could be used to study the stars more thoroughly. I don't know how exactly, because I'm not Stephen Hawking. Somebody get me a wheelchair.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I'm on the road, Butte is 58 miles away, and I'm driving 85 mph. So I should be there in an hour. Oh, if only love were so easy to I'm on the road, Butte is 58 miles away, and I'm driving 85 mph. So I should be there in an hour. Oh, if only love were so easy to calculate.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I had to close the door on our friendship, because he kept climbing in through my window. I had to close the door on our friendship, because he kept climbing in through my window.
Jarod Kintz quotes: A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn't mean one is good and the other is bad. A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn't mean one is good and the other is bad.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I call masturbating "Gregging," named not after a man named Greg, but a guy named Dave. I call masturbating "Gregging," named not after a man named Greg, but a guy named Dave.
Jarod Kintz quotes: I'm drinking your reply. Maybe isn't too hot or cold, so I'm chugging it. I'm drinking your reply. Maybe isn't too hot or cold, so I'm chugging it.

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