J. B. Smoove quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by J. B. Smoove

J. B. Smoove Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from J. B. Smoove on Wise Famous Quotes.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

That's what I am; I'm a drip. You still get hydrated, you still get your nutrients, just a little at a damn time.

It's an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies.

Father's Day just be Mother's Day the sequel.

Sometimes you got to put somebody in their place, let them know that you mean business and you're a grown ass man.

My wife is a vegetarian. When my wife is with me, I eat vegetarian. When she's not, I eat meat. I'm just being honest.

My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.

I try to dress smooth, I try to keep my face shaved, I try to keep my head cut. I try to do all the things to keep it smooth going!

Some of the best dramatic actors have started in comedy.

I'm trying to be the Jay-Z of comedy one day. I don't know if there's any comedy moguls out there, but I would love to be the first comedy mogul.

A lot of comedians are selfish.

You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.

I am addicted to hockey now. I've seen it on TV, but to be there? I had no idea that white people were having so much fun without me.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I don't like to dabble in anything I don't do well. I don't talk politics.

I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me.

I was the hallway clown in high school.

I believe, even when I'm doing my standup or my acting or whatever I'm doing, I believe in painting pictures.

You want your lady to be a contortionist. What man wouldn't want a lady who's a contortionist?

For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place.

At the top of this list has to be "get in that ass". It's the ultimate Leonism to get you through life.

I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.

We came here to pick up chicks, not talk about dicks.

Women put guys through tests all the time.

People love things about Hollywood. People love to see the inside of what's going on.

Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.

I have to satisfy my audience.

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You can't let people take advantage of you. Go get that ass.

It's not even race; it's a certain type of person that gets 'Pootie Tang.'

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class.

I'm a thief. I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers.

I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.

Just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn't really a break up, it was a booty call I might have took too serious.

Before I got into stand-up, I used to be a hip-hop dancer in a crew, and my name was J. Smoove, and my partner was J. Groove.

I'm looking to be the next comedy mogul.

I should be European, man. I'm long and lean. I'd look good in a trench coat.

I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers, man. They all call me The Thief.

True Yankees fans know an up-and-coming player when they see one.

There're rules to being the side chick. Rule number one: you're number two.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

I love to pitch things that I believe in and products that I love to use.

If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.

I'm putting on a suit and tie when I go see The Great Gatsby.

Police blog or entertainment news, it's just good to see your name in print.

I wish black people had a flag they could put into the ground, like when the troops stormed Iwo Jima.

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.

Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest.

I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious.