Henny Youngman Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Henny Youngman on Wise Famous Quotes.

Henny Youngman quotes: We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse. We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
Henny Youngman quotes: A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!" A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"
Henny Youngman quotes: My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo. My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
Henny Youngman quotes: That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Henny Youngman quotes: She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Henny Youngman quotes: Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant! Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
Henny Youngman quotes: I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
Henny Youngman quotes: The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
Henny Youngman quotes: I live about four muggings from Central Park. I live about four muggings from Central Park.
Henny Youngman quotes: Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room. Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.
Henny Youngman quotes: My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
Henny Youngman quotes: Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television? Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman quotes: Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are. Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
Henny Youngman quotes: A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman quotes: A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
Henny Youngman quotes: I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
Henny Youngman quotes: A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters. A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
Henny Youngman quotes: My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Henny Youngman quotes: During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland. During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.
Henny Youngman quotes: "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Henny Youngman quotes: You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Henny Youngman quotes: I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed. I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
Henny Youngman quotes: This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Henny Youngman quotes: In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess. In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
Henny Youngman quotes: My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
Henny Youngman quotes: When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
Henny Youngman quotes: Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket. Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
Henny Youngman quotes: I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby. I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
Henny Youngman quotes: My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
Henny Youngman quotes: Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please. Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Henny Youngman quotes: There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Henny Youngman quotes: A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot! A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
Henny Youngman quotes: The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!" The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"
Henny Youngman quotes: I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn." I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."
Henny Youngman quotes: A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe! A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
Henny Youngman quotes: The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs. The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
Henny Youngman quotes: Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower. Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
Henny Youngman quotes: The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
Henny Youngman quotes: I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman quotes: My grandmother is over eightyand she still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. My grandmother is over eighty
and she still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman quotes: I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henny Youngman quotes: It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Henny Youngman quotes: I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it. I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
Henny Youngman quotes: A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady? A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
Henny Youngman quotes: I miss my wife's cooking, as often as I can I miss my wife's cooking, as often as I can
Henny Youngman quotes: His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker. His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
Henny Youngman quotes: You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler. You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
Henny Youngman quotes: When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing. When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.
Henny Youngman quotes: 2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything." 2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
Henny Youngman quotes: I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen." I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
Henny Youngman quotes: Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!" Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"
Henny Youngman quotes: I think the world of you ... and you know what condition the world is in today. I think the world of you ... and you know what condition the world is in today.
Henny Youngman quotes: I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five. I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
Henny Youngman quotes: Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying. Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
Henny Youngman quotes: My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Henny Youngman quotes: The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window! The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
Henny Youngman quotes: I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Henny Youngman quotes: What is a home without children? Quiet. What is a home without children? Quiet.
Henny Youngman quotes: Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop. Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
Henny Youngman quotes: A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started. A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.
Henny Youngman quotes: I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
Henny Youngman quotes: I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself. I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
Henny Youngman quotes: I just made a killing in the stock market I shot my broker. I just made a killing in the stock market
I shot my broker.
Henny Youngman quotes: I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium. I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
Henny Youngman quotes: The more I think of you, the less I think of you. The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
Henny Youngman quotes: My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better. My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
Henny Youngman quotes: When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman quotes: There were three kids in my family. One of each sex. There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
Henny Youngman quotes: A man walks into a library and says, 'I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology. A man walks into a library and says, 'I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology.
Henny Youngman quotes: Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
Henny Youngman quotes: I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive? I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
Henny Youngman quotes: I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads. I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
Henny Youngman quotes: All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henny Youngman quotes: I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Henny Youngman quotes: Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana? Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
Henny Youngman quotes: This man dresses like an unmade bed. This man dresses like an unmade bed.
Henny Youngman quotes: A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
Henny Youngman quotes: Dancing on pointe ... Why don't they just get taller girls? Dancing on pointe ... Why don't they just get taller girls?
Henny Youngman quotes: Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Henny Youngman quotes: A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
Henny Youngman quotes: Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live. Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
Henny Youngman quotes: "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!" "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"
Henny Youngman quotes: Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy! Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
Henny Youngman quotes: I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad. I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.
Henny Youngman quotes: My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
Henny Youngman quotes: Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Henny Youngman quotes: Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
Henny Youngman quotes: I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected. I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Henny Youngman quotes: My wife has a black belt in shopping. My wife has a black belt in shopping.
Henny Youngman quotes: The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman quotes: She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
Henny Youngman quotes: While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman quotes: Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
Henny Youngman quotes: Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock. Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
Henny Youngman quotes: I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere. I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Henny Youngman quotes: When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Henny Youngman quotes: I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed? I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
Henny Youngman quotes: My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.
Henny Youngman quotes: I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow. I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
Henny Youngman quotes: If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked? If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?

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