Henny Youngman quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Henny Youngman

Henny Youngman Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Henny Youngman on Wise Famous Quotes.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

My grandmother is over eighty
and she still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?

I miss my wife's cooking, as often as I can

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"

I think the world of you ... and you know what condition the world is in today.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

What is a home without children? Quiet.

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

I just made a killing in the stock market
I shot my broker.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

A man walks into a library and says, 'I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology.

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

Dancing on pointe ... Why don't they just get taller girls?

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.

If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?