Groucho Marx quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Groucho Marx on Wise Famous Quotes.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge

But what makes wage slaves? Wages!

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar

He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?

Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.

I'll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Time wounds all heels.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove

Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills

Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.

Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.

A very interesting theory makes no sense at all.

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way

I only write first editions.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only,
when the hostess has only twelve chops.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

Boogey boogey boogey

Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.

There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.

Humor is reason gone mad.

I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while

Only if the computers really love each other.

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much

I must admit, I was born at an early age.

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.

In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who wants to live in an institution?

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit ... retire!

I shall drink no # wine before it's time! OK, it's time.

This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.

You know you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

You're only as young as the woman you feel.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book ... I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?"
Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?"
"Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!

Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted