Groucho Marx Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Groucho Marx

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Groucho Marx Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Groucho Marx on Wise Famous Quotes.

Groucho Marx quotes: From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx quotes: If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong. If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.
Groucho Marx quotes: Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Groucho Marx quotes: I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down
Groucho Marx quotes: Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx quotes: I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge
Groucho Marx quotes: But what makes wage slaves? Wages! But what makes wage slaves? Wages!
Groucho Marx quotes: You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar
Groucho Marx quotes: He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days. He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.
Groucho Marx quotes: Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added
Groucho Marx quotes: I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you. I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.
Groucho Marx quotes: I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Groucho Marx quotes: Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house. Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.
Groucho Marx quotes: Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill. Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.
Groucho Marx quotes: We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
Groucho Marx quotes: Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast. Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.
Groucho Marx quotes: Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?
Groucho Marx quotes: Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid. Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
Groucho Marx quotes: I'll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18. I'll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.
Groucho Marx quotes: Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Groucho Marx quotes: Time wounds all heels. Time wounds all heels.
Groucho Marx quotes: No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
Groucho Marx quotes: I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove
Groucho Marx quotes: Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills
Groucho Marx quotes: Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy. Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.
Groucho Marx quotes: Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx quotes: I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while. I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
Groucho Marx quotes: A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it
Groucho Marx quotes: Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx quotes: Africa is God's country, and He can have it. Africa is God's country, and He can have it.
Groucho Marx quotes: Do you mind if I don't smoke? Do you mind if I don't smoke?
Groucho Marx quotes: Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls. Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
Groucho Marx quotes: I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling. I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.
Groucho Marx quotes: A man is only as old as the woman he feels. A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx quotes: If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor. If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.
Groucho Marx quotes: I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name. I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.
Groucho Marx quotes: A very interesting theory makes no sense at all. A very interesting theory makes no sense at all.
Groucho Marx quotes: You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way
Groucho Marx quotes: I only write first editions. I only write first editions.
Groucho Marx quotes: Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here! Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
Groucho Marx quotes: Thirteen at a table is unlucky only, when the hostess has only twelve chops. Thirteen at a table is unlucky only,
when the hostess has only twelve chops.
Groucho Marx quotes: Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Groucho Marx quotes: Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees? Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?
Groucho Marx quotes: Boogey boogey boogey Boogey boogey boogey
Groucho Marx quotes: Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx quotes: Patience is the art of finding something else to do. Patience is the art of finding something else to do.
Groucho Marx quotes: There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one. There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.
Groucho Marx quotes: Women should be obscene and not heard. Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx quotes: Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho Marx quotes: You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer. You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.
Groucho Marx quotes: Humor is reason gone mad. Humor is reason gone mad.
Groucho Marx quotes: I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing
Groucho Marx quotes: Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while
Groucho Marx quotes: Only if the computers really love each other. Only if the computers really love each other.
Groucho Marx quotes: Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood
Groucho Marx quotes: Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx quotes: Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in. Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.
Groucho Marx quotes: Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much
Groucho Marx quotes: I must admit, I was born at an early age. I must admit, I was born at an early age.
Groucho Marx quotes: How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery? How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?
Groucho Marx quotes: I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid. I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.
Groucho Marx quotes: In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know. In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.
Groucho Marx quotes: She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx quotes: I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue) I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)
Groucho Marx quotes: Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who wants to live in an institution? Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx quotes: Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy
Groucho Marx quotes: There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit ... retire! There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit ... retire!
Groucho Marx quotes: I shall drink no # wine before it's time! OK, it's time. I shall drink no # wine before it's time! OK, it's time.
Groucho Marx quotes: This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach. This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.
Groucho Marx quotes: You know you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle. You know you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
Groucho Marx quotes: You're only as young as the woman you feel. You're only as young as the woman you feel.
Groucho Marx quotes: I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx quotes: Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks. Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks.
Groucho Marx quotes: I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Groucho Marx quotes: Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
Groucho Marx quotes: My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs
Groucho Marx quotes: I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Groucho Marx quotes: Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free! Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!
Groucho Marx quotes: I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Groucho Marx quotes: I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up
Groucho Marx quotes: A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Groucho Marx quotes: I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me
Groucho Marx quotes: Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do! Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
Groucho Marx quotes: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx quotes: If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake. If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.
Groucho Marx quotes: I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book ... I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book ... I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
Groucho Marx quotes: Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?"Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight. Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?"
Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.
Groucho Marx quotes: Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?""Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers! Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?"
"Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!
Groucho Marx quotes: Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman
Groucho Marx quotes: [Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face. [Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
Groucho Marx quotes: Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms. Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
Groucho Marx quotes: If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower. If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
Groucho Marx quotes: Go, and never darken my towels again. Go, and never darken my towels again.
Groucho Marx quotes: Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Groucho Marx quotes: I must confess, I was born at a very early age. I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Groucho Marx quotes: Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Groucho Marx quotes: Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar. Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.
Groucho Marx quotes: You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you
Groucho Marx quotes: The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters. The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.
Groucho Marx quotes: I love to read. My education is self-inflicted I love to read. My education is self-inflicted

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