George Carlin Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by George Carlin

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George Carlin Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from George Carlin on Wise Famous Quotes.

George Carlin quotes: As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
George Carlin quotes: I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out. I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.
George Carlin quotes: Mother's milk leads to everything. Mother's milk leads to everything.
George Carlin quotes: Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country. Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
George Carlin quotes: Like on the airlines, they say they want to 'pre-board'. Well, what the hell is 'pre board'? What does that mean? To get on before you get on? Like on the airlines, they say they want to 'pre-board'. Well, what the hell is 'pre board'? What does that mean? To get on before you get on?
George Carlin quotes: To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesn't need guidance from. To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesn't need guidance from.
George Carlin quotes: Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
George Carlin quotes: You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala. You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
George Carlin quotes: Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Weather forcast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin quotes: You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate. You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.
George Carlin quotes: I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy. I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
George Carlin quotes: My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol. My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.
George Carlin quotes: Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back. Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
George Carlin quotes: For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label.
George Carlin quotes: Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown. Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown.
George Carlin quotes: If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
George Carlin quotes: If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem. If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem.
George Carlin quotes: I'm in shape. Round is a shape. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
George Carlin quotes: Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming. Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.
George Carlin quotes: A cat will blink when struck with a hammer. A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.
George Carlin quotes: I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
George Carlin quotes: If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
George Carlin quotes: I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes. I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
George Carlin quotes: Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'. Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'.
George Carlin quotes: How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes ... dies. How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes ... dies.
George Carlin quotes: Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes. Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
George Carlin quotes: These are the kinds of thoughts that made it necessary to separate me from the other kids at school. These are the kinds of thoughts that made it necessary to separate me from the other kids at school.
George Carlin quotes: Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic. Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.
George Carlin quotes: If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
George Carlin quotes: There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you. There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.
George Carlin quotes: I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had. I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.
George Carlin quotes: I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way. I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.
George Carlin quotes: I'm offering a special prize for the first Buick on the moon. I'm offering a special prize for the first Buick on the moon.
George Carlin quotes: Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
George Carlin quotes: Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
George Carlin quotes: If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
George Carlin quotes: The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin quotes: When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies. When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.
George Carlin quotes: Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
George Carlin quotes: As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money. As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
George Carlin quotes: Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show. Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.
George Carlin quotes: Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose ofgovernment intervention and mountains of bureaucracy. Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of
government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.
George Carlin quotes: In some company it's perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick. In some company it's perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.
George Carlin quotes: I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
George Carlin quotes: I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine. I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.
George Carlin quotes: This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal. This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal.
George Carlin quotes: Tits always look better in a pink sweater. Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
George Carlin quotes: He is dead now, but he meant well. He is dead now, but he meant well.
George Carlin quotes: When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber. When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
George Carlin quotes: Barry Goldwater has definitely decided to be a candidate in '64. He will campaign in all thirteen states. Barry Goldwater has definitely decided to be a candidate in '64. He will campaign in all thirteen states.
George Carlin quotes: I was trying to get out of the night clubs and was thinking maybe I'll go to the colleges now; that's where you can speak your mind. I was trying to get out of the night clubs and was thinking maybe I'll go to the colleges now; that's where you can speak your mind.
George Carlin quotes: We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people. We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.
George Carlin quotes: If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
George Carlin quotes: Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise. Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise.
George Carlin quotes: Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected. Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
George Carlin quotes: I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played. I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.
George Carlin quotes: Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers? Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
George Carlin quotes: My motto: Fuck Hope! My motto: Fuck Hope!
George Carlin quotes: I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.
George Carlin quotes: One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict. One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
George Carlin quotes: Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
George Carlin quotes: You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni. You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
George Carlin quotes: People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
George Carlin quotes: With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet. With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet.
George Carlin quotes: Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole. Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.
George Carlin quotes: If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin quotes: Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine. Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine.
George Carlin quotes: I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius. I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius.
George Carlin quotes: What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air. What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
George Carlin quotes: The straightest line between a straight distance is two points. The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
George Carlin quotes: In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
George Carlin quotes: When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M. When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.
George Carlin quotes: Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us. Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us.
George Carlin quotes: If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else?
George Carlin quotes: I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
George Carlin quotes: I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.' I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'
George Carlin quotes: I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded. I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded.
George Carlin quotes: The future will soon be a thing of the past. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
George Carlin quotes: Rhetoric paints with a broad brush. Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
George Carlin quotes: Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right. Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.
George Carlin quotes: Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time. Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
George Carlin quotes: No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it. No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it.
George Carlin quotes: If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
George Carlin quotes: When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons. When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.
George Carlin quotes: So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family. So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
George Carlin quotes: If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
George Carlin quotes: Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.
George Carlin quotes: I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds. I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.
George Carlin quotes: I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back. I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.
George Carlin quotes: Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO. Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.
George Carlin quotes: I have a lot of things [in me] that are childlike and innocent and sweet. I have a lot of things [in me] that are childlike and innocent and sweet.
George Carlin quotes: I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people. I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people.
George Carlin quotes: Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
George Carlin quotes: I believe you can joke about anything. I believe you can joke about anything.
George Carlin quotes: How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite? How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?
George Carlin quotes: A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics? A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics?
George Carlin quotes: Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while. Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.
George Carlin quotes: And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats. And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.
George Carlin quotes: The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes. The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
George Carlin quotes: It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers. It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

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