
The more immoral we become in big ways, the more puritanical we become in little ways.

In the South, Sunday morning sex is accompanied by church bells.

Hell hath no fury like a liberal arts major scorned.

A home without a grandmother is like an egg without salt.

Americans are so emotionally fragile that soon we will have to be carried around in plastic bubbles and fed with an eye-dropper.

I've always said that next to Imperial China, the South is the best place in the world to be an old lady.

Americans worship creativity the way they worship physical beauty - as a way of enjoying elitism without guilt: God did it.

Never look on the bright side. The glare is blinding.

Spinsterhood is Nature's Own Feminism.

I don't mind being regarded as perverted and unnatural, but I would die if people thought I was a Democrat.

If you ever meet someone who cannot understand why solitary confinement is considered punishment, you have met a misanthrope.

Families composed of rugged individualists have to do things obliquely.

Real feminism is spinsterhood.

I'd rather rot on my own floor than be found by a bunch of bingo players in a nursing home.

I don't suffer fools, and I like to see fools suffer.

Democracy is the fig leaf of elitism.

American couples have gone to such lengths to avoid the interference of in-laws that they have to pay marriage counselors to interfere between them.

The copyeditor I drew was a brachycephalic, web-footed cretin who should have been in an institution learning how to make brooms.

Oppressed people are treacherous for the simple reason that treachery is both a means of survival and a way to curry favor with one's oppressor.

If whisky or salt won't cure it, then to hell with it. I worry about important things.

I do believe in reincarnation, but I do not believe there is life before noon.

It takes only one child to raze a village.

It's the Government's job to print the money, deliver the mail and declare war. Now give me my cigarettes.

Real feminism is spinsterhood. It's time America admitted that old maids give all women a good name.

Updike's style is an exquisite blend of Melville and Austen: reading him is like cutting through whale blubber with embroidery scissors.

In social matters, pointless conventions are not merely the bee sting of etiquette, but the snake bite of moral order.

Writers who have nothing to say always strain for metaphors to say it in.

Children have no business expressing opinions on anything except Do you have enough room in the toes?

God may have loved the common people, but a trip to any shopping mall suggests that He made far too many of them.

Time has lost all meaning in that nightmare alley of the Western world known as the American mind.

In Mississippi the important thing is hooch, not bar equipment.

There's no national glue holding us together because somebody put too much pluribus in the unum.