Evan Esar quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Evan Esar

Evan Esar Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Evan Esar on Wise Famous Quotes.

Many people will laugh at the drop of a hat, especially if the man is still in it.

Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.

Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.

There would be no population explosion if people who are trying to keep the wolf from the door wouldn't let the stork fly in through the window.

Many a girl who can't dance well makes up for it during intermission.

The only place where you can find equality is in the cemetery.

Character is what you have when you've lost everything you can loose.

Adolescence begins when children stop asking questions-because they know all the answers.

A cynic sees little to admire in the world, while the world sees even less to admire in him.

Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.

All men are born equal, but some of them outgrow it.

A home in the country is what a city man hopes to buy and a farmer hopes to sell.

Some people blow their top, but all people blow their bottom.

The word impossible is peculiar because if you examine it closely, you'll find that most of it is possible.

A word to the wise is
unnecessary.

It takes far more courage to violate a custom than a law.

After paying for the wedding, about the only thing a father has left to give away is the bride.

Hard work never hurt anyone who hired someone else to do it.

If you can't bear to have your face stepped on, don't try to climb the ladder of success.

A batch of credit cards fattens a wallet before it thins it.

A corporation has all the powers and privileges of an individual: all it lacks is a conscience.

Many a wedding takes place when a man can't afford to go steady with a girl any longer.

Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.

This may be the age of automation, but love is still being made by hand.

The secret of successful writing lies in striking the right keys on the typewriter.

Conscience gets a lot of credit that really belongs to cowardice.

An instrument that sometimes expresses thought, sometimes obscures thought, but most often replaces thought.

The cat: an animal that's so unpredictable, you can never tell in advance how it will ignore you the next time.

A credit card is a convenient device that saves you the trouble of counting your change.

Hindsight is good, foresight is better; but second sight is best of all.

The Lord takes care of his own, but church trustees still put lightning rods on the steeple.

The trouble with dieting is that a pound of will power takes off only an ounce of weight.

The chief ability of an executive should be his ability to recognize ability.

Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage.

Nowadays it's not who wears the pants in the family, but who carries the credit cards.

Conceit is a disease That the doctors got no cure They've done a lot of research on it But what it is, they're still not sure.

All work and no pay makes a housewife.

The three chief causes of divorce are men, women, and marriage.

The state of the Union largely depends on the state of the unions.

The diamond is the hardest stone
to get.

Divorce is the key that opens the strongbox where the bonds of matrimony are kept under wedlock.

About the only time Congress conforms to the will of the people is when it decides to adjourn.

Children grow out of childhood, but parents never grow out of parenthood.

Sometimes the unexpected happens when you don't expect a person to come up to expectations.

Las Vegas is a resort whose two chief sources of income are seven and eleven.

It's surprising how much wisdom every man possesses
if not for his own affairs, then for the affairs of others.

Many a man who goes to Las Vegas to get away from it all soon finds that Las Vegas gets it all away from him.

[Statistics] The science that can prove everything except the usefulness of statistics.

A compromise is a settlement by which each side gets what neither side wanted.

Some women get divorces on the grounds of incompatibility; others, on just the first two syllables.

The only way to cure an egotist from bragging is by surgery
amputation at the neck.

A lecturer often makes you feel dumb at one end and numb at the other.

In Congress the majority governs, but the minority rules.

Egocentric: A person who has his I's too close together.

Some men are so eager for success that they are even willing to work for it.

You can tell a man's taste in literature by his judgment in knowing what not to read.

There is nothing more dignified than a corpse.

Eloquence is the art of saying as little as possible but making it sound as much as possible.

The only thing more certain than the hatred of enemies is the envy of friends.

Reactionary: One who wants the rules enforced so nobody can take his pile away from him the way he got it from others.

A wedding is the formality a man has to go through before going to work for a new boss.

Don't be a hog: the only time a hog helps the community is when he dies.

Common sense is usually lack of imagination, and imagination is usually lack of common sense.

A man picks a wife about the same way an apple picks a farmer.

A dollar saved is a dollar earned but seldom vice versa.

The saddest thing in life is to marry a woman who looks like a cook
and isn't.

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.

A special skill, like speaking several languages, or keeping your mouth shut in one.

Let those who want to, arrive
Let those who want to, leave
Let those who want to, stay
With out harm to me or mine

If you don't like to make excuses or apologies, stop making promises.

Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing.

You can always make a loan at a bank if you can show sufficient evidence that you don't need it.

A husband is like a fire - he goes out when unattended.

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.

An expert is someone who takes something you already know and makes it sound confusing.

The only time a lazy man ever succeeds is when he tries to do nothing.

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.

If it required some effort to go from today to tomorrow, some people would always remain in yesterday.

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

The first requisite for a good cup of coffee in the morning is to get your wife out of bed.

All men are created equal and endowed by their Creator with a mighty urge to become otherwise.

The only medicine that needs no prescription, has no unpleasant taste, and costs no money is laughter.

The most uncommon form of intelligence is common sense.

Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor's new one.

Communism is a form of society where the less people have to eat, the more they have to swallow.

Some people worry because they are in debt; others, because they can't even get in.

The lecturer who is full of his subject is usually very slow in emptying himself.

A woman is always ready to describe another woman as charming, but only if the other woman is not charming.

The honeymoon is the only period when a woman isn't trying to reform her husband.

The computer saves man a lot of guesswork, but so does the bikini.

Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment.

If you want to know how little your dignity is worth, take it to the pawnbroker.

The man who has a girl in every port is not a sailor but a wholesaler.

[Statistics] Fiction in its most uninteresting form.

Communism is a form of government under which every citizen at election time enjoys the privilege of voting Yes.

Divorce is the price people play for playing with matches.

In elections, the undecided vote is usually the deciding factor.

Do a little more every day than you are expected to do, and soon you will be expected to do more.

There are two kinds of leaders: those who are interested in the flock, and those who are interested in the fleece.