Emo Philips Quotes
Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Emo Philips
Emo Philips Famous Quotes & Sayings
Discover top inspirational quotes from Emo Philips on Wise Famous Quotes.
My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good
bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.
Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.
Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do judge him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but ...
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!
My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.