Emo Philips quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Emo Philips

Emo Philips Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Emo Philips on Wise Famous Quotes.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good
bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

People come up to me ... concerned ... that I'll reproduce.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Ambiguity - the Devil's volleyball.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do judge him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a ... small child.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but ...

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady ... take your purse.'

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

How many people here have telekinetic power? Rise my hand

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Some mornings it's just not worth it to chew through the leather straps.

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers ... damn anthropologists.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples ... you don't have to shout into them!

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

I'm not a Republican ... but I am saving up to be one.