Emo Philips Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Emo Philips

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Emo Philips Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Emo Philips on Wise Famous Quotes.

Emo Philips quotes: Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
Emo Philips quotes: Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo. Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.
Emo Philips quotes: I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important. I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
Emo Philips quotes: When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness! When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
Emo Philips quotes: I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding. I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.
Emo Philips quotes: Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th. Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
Emo Philips quotes: My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?' My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good
bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
Emo Philips quotes: I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic". I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".
Emo Philips quotes: I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them. I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips quotes: I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness! I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Emo Philips quotes: My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor. My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
Emo Philips quotes: I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ. I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.
Emo Philips quotes: People come up to me ... concerned ... that I'll reproduce. People come up to me ... concerned ... that I'll reproduce.
Emo Philips quotes: How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips quotes: Ambiguity - the Devil's volleyball. Ambiguity - the Devil's volleyball.
Emo Philips quotes: Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes. Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.
Emo Philips quotes: Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do judge him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes. Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do judge him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
Emo Philips quotes: If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
Emo Philips quotes: I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips quotes: Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs? Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
Emo Philips quotes: My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family. My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
Emo Philips quotes: Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life. Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
Emo Philips quotes: I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips quotes: My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes. My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
Emo Philips quotes: I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like. I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips quotes: I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy. I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
Emo Philips quotes: I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me. I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
Emo Philips quotes: I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips quotes: I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse? I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
Emo Philips quotes: When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage. When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Emo Philips quotes: I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy. I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Emo Philips quotes: I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose. I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
Emo Philips quotes: At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips quotes: When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter. When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
Emo Philips quotes: Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that? Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips quotes: Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips quotes: I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it? I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
Emo Philips quotes: I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint. I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips quotes: If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza. If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
Emo Philips quotes: Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips quotes: I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one. I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.
Emo Philips quotes: I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a ... small child. I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a ... small child.
Emo Philips quotes: My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets. My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
Emo Philips quotes: In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips quotes: For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving. For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Emo Philips quotes: Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long? Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Emo Philips quotes: My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips quotes: My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
Emo Philips quotes: So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon. So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
Emo Philips quotes: I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in. I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.
Emo Philips quotes: When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell. When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
Emo Philips quotes: Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but ... Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but ...
Emo Philips quotes: I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips quotes: Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit. Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips quotes: I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady ... take your purse.' I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady ... take your purse.'
Emo Philips quotes: They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo. They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Emo Philips quotes: He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips quotes: You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls. You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
Emo Philips quotes: I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips quotes: My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear. My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Emo Philips quotes: The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way. The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
Emo Philips quotes: My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment. My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
Emo Philips quotes: I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
Emo Philips quotes: Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair. Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
Emo Philips quotes: The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository. The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.
Emo Philips quotes: They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers. They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips quotes: I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won. I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
Emo Philips quotes: The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer. The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
Emo Philips quotes: My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips quotes: I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
Emo Philips quotes: I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
Emo Philips quotes: I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
Emo Philips quotes: I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items. I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Emo Philips quotes: Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Philips quotes: I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet. I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.
Emo Philips quotes: When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches. When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips quotes: I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible. I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
Emo Philips quotes: I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult. I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips quotes: People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?' People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
Emo Philips quotes: My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour. My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
Emo Philips quotes: How many people here have telekinetic power? Rise my hand How many people here have telekinetic power? Rise my hand
Emo Philips quotes: I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me. I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips quotes: Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips quotes: I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips quotes: Some mornings it's just not worth it to chew through the leather straps. Some mornings it's just not worth it to chew through the leather straps.
Emo Philips quotes: You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!
Emo Philips quotes: My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment. My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
Emo Philips quotes: Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Emo Philips quotes: Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball. Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.
Emo Philips quotes: Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
Emo Philips quotes: England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
Emo Philips quotes: I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.
Emo Philips quotes: You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers ... damn anthropologists. You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers ... damn anthropologists.
Emo Philips quotes: I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time. I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips quotes: The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy. The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Emo Philips quotes: I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution. I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.
Emo Philips quotes: One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game. One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
Emo Philips quotes: Cell phones are like a dog's nipples ... you don't have to shout into them! Cell phones are like a dog's nipples ... you don't have to shout into them!
Emo Philips quotes: The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow. The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
Emo Philips quotes: I'm not a Republican ... but I am saving up to be one. I'm not a Republican ... but I am saving up to be one.

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