Dave Barry Quotes

If a Greek woman tells you to do something, you do it.

Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading.

Are we ever going to have a federal tax system that regular people can understand?

It may be meaningless, but at least it's a gesture.

Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere.

I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt ...

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"

Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal

Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called "Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You."

When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was - prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates!

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

I've never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even those people who love him very much.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene ...

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.

Stache's attack was perfectly timed, thanks to his veteran-pirate grasp tactics - and a big piece if luck.

The letters in 'Brace Beemer' can be arranged to spell 'Embrace Beer.'

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.

Did you hear about the toilet being stolen from the police station?
The cops have nothing to go on.

Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That's how tough they are.

DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you.

Your DNA wants to put its imprint on the entire human race, like the Nike Corporation.

The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.

Q. How is the turn signal used in Florida? A. It is used to indicate to other motorists that you do not realize your turn signal is blinking.

English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off ... Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.

It would be hard to conceive of any activity more useless than stamp collecting.

This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes to get a beer.

Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

Never lick a steak knife.

Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that ...

Beneath their surface differences, there are a lot of deep, underlying differences.

I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.

I'm a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals.

I want to gag sometimes when I see who "we" are recommending that people vote for, and not just as a libertarian.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

And it ain't a man, thought Slank.

I like golf because you can be really terrible at it, and still not look much dorkier than anybody else.

Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

He could be a testosterone donor.

dropping spiders

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

Your friends love you anyway.

Miami, you can never run out of material. As long as you have Miami around you, you will never, never stop being amused.

People are afraid to own their own homes. People are afraid their own government will catch them fixing their houses.

As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do.

Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

But when you take over a ship with a bomb threat, you really go first-class.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.

Under Florida's "stand your ground" law, it is legal to shoot anybody for any reason as long as you are standing on the ground.

This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.

The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn."

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.

Seriously? You won't help me?" "Help yourself get killed? No, I won't.

When to arrive at the airport?: You should be at the airport already.

I don't know what you can possibly do for less than $50 to have somebody come in your house.

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

Remember that being offended is not the same thing as being right.

Too many rocks in the mountains.

Our original idea was to write a book titled Fifty Shades of the Hunger Games, by J.K. Rowling with Stephen King: A John Grisham Novel.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.

Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.

This is the funniest book I've ever held in my hands.
Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You don't have to think really hard to get the joke. I think humor in general appeals to all people.

Casket wreath* 13 Diabetes Insulin Leeches* 14 Hatchet embedded in skull Removal of hatchet, treatment of wound Larger

My son, Rob ... said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."

I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.

The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone's time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people's lives.

Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger.

Some of my close friends could easily be deceased; this would not have a serious effect on our relationship.

Each year, millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.

Our chief marketable skill, coming out of college, is the ability to write authoritatively about things we don't necessarily understand.