Dave Barry Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Dave Barry

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Dave Barry Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Dave Barry on Wise Famous Quotes.

Dave Barry quotes: If a Greek woman tells you to do something, you do it. If a Greek woman tells you to do something, you do it.
Dave Barry quotes: Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading. Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading.
Dave Barry quotes: Are we ever going to have a federal tax system that regular people can understand? Are we ever going to have a federal tax system that regular people can understand?
Dave Barry quotes: It may be meaningless, but at least it's a gesture. It may be meaningless, but at least it's a gesture.
Dave Barry quotes: Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere. Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere.
Dave Barry quotes: I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt ... I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt ...
Dave Barry quotes: As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
Dave Barry quotes: There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
Dave Barry quotes: Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
Dave Barry quotes: The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!" The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"
Dave Barry quotes: Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal
Dave Barry quotes: Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home. Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home.
Dave Barry quotes: I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
Dave Barry quotes: Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called "Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You." Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called "Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You."
Dave Barry quotes: When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was - prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates! When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was - prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates!
Dave Barry quotes: I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around. I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.
Dave Barry quotes: I've never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even those people who love him very much. I've never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even those people who love him very much.
Dave Barry quotes: My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
Dave Barry quotes: I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene ... I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene ...
Dave Barry quotes: The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals. The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
Dave Barry quotes: I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Dave Barry quotes: Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Dave Barry quotes: Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
Dave Barry quotes: Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living. Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.
Dave Barry quotes: Stache's attack was perfectly timed, thanks to his veteran-pirate grasp tactics - and a big piece if luck. Stache's attack was perfectly timed, thanks to his veteran-pirate grasp tactics - and a big piece if luck.
Dave Barry quotes: The letters in 'Brace Beemer' can be arranged to spell 'Embrace Beer.' The letters in 'Brace Beemer' can be arranged to spell 'Embrace Beer.'
Dave Barry quotes: Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
Dave Barry quotes: The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization. The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.
Dave Barry quotes: Did you hear about the toilet being stolen from the police station?The cops have nothing to go on. Did you hear about the toilet being stolen from the police station?
The cops have nothing to go on.
Dave Barry quotes: Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That's how tough they are. Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That's how tough they are.
Dave Barry quotes: DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables. DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.
Dave Barry quotes: Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
Dave Barry quotes: The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you. The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you.
Dave Barry quotes: Your DNA wants to put its imprint on the entire human race, like the Nike Corporation. Your DNA wants to put its imprint on the entire human race, like the Nike Corporation.
Dave Barry quotes: The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green. The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green.
Dave Barry quotes: We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
Dave Barry quotes: There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness. There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.
Dave Barry quotes: To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver. To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.
Dave Barry quotes: Q. How is the turn signal used in Florida? A. It is used to indicate to other motorists that you do not realize your turn signal is blinking. Q. How is the turn signal used in Florida? A. It is used to indicate to other motorists that you do not realize your turn signal is blinking.
Dave Barry quotes: English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off ... Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son. English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off ... Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.
Dave Barry quotes: It would be hard to conceive of any activity more useless than stamp collecting. It would be hard to conceive of any activity more useless than stamp collecting.
Dave Barry quotes: This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes to get a beer. This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes to get a beer.
Dave Barry quotes: Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests. Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
Dave Barry quotes: Never lick a steak knife. Never lick a steak knife.
Dave Barry quotes: Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube. Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube.
Dave Barry quotes: It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
Dave Barry quotes: If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Dave Barry quotes: For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that ... For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that ...
Dave Barry quotes: Beneath their surface differences, there are a lot of deep, underlying differences. Beneath their surface differences, there are a lot of deep, underlying differences.
Dave Barry quotes: I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about. I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.
Dave Barry quotes: I'm a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals. I'm a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals.
Dave Barry quotes: I want to gag sometimes when I see who "we" are recommending that people vote for, and not just as a libertarian. I want to gag sometimes when I see who "we" are recommending that people vote for, and not just as a libertarian.
Dave Barry quotes: People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Dave Barry quotes: And it ain't a man, thought Slank. And it ain't a man, thought Slank.
Dave Barry quotes: I like golf because you can be really terrible at it, and still not look much dorkier than anybody else. I like golf because you can be really terrible at it, and still not look much dorkier than anybody else.
Dave Barry quotes: Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday! Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!
Dave Barry quotes: Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
Dave Barry quotes: He could be a testosterone donor. He could be a testosterone donor.
Dave Barry quotes: dropping spiders dropping spiders
Dave Barry quotes: Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
Dave Barry quotes: Your friends love you anyway. Your friends love you anyway.
Dave Barry quotes: Miami, you can never run out of material. As long as you have Miami around you, you will never, never stop being amused. Miami, you can never run out of material. As long as you have Miami around you, you will never, never stop being amused.
Dave Barry quotes: People are afraid to own their own homes. People are afraid their own government will catch them fixing their houses. People are afraid to own their own homes. People are afraid their own government will catch them fixing their houses.
Dave Barry quotes: As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do. As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do.
Dave Barry quotes: Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable. Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
Dave Barry quotes: But when you take over a ship with a bomb threat, you really go first-class. But when you take over a ship with a bomb threat, you really go first-class.
Dave Barry quotes: The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
Dave Barry quotes: A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.
Dave Barry quotes: Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons. Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.
Dave Barry quotes: Under Florida's "stand your ground" law, it is legal to shoot anybody for any reason as long as you are standing on the ground. Under Florida's "stand your ground" law, it is legal to shoot anybody for any reason as long as you are standing on the ground.
Dave Barry quotes: This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers. This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.
Dave Barry quotes: The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn." The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn."
Dave Barry quotes: I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either. I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
Dave Barry quotes: Seriously? You won't help me?" "Help yourself get killed? No, I won't. Seriously? You won't help me?" "Help yourself get killed? No, I won't.
Dave Barry quotes: When to arrive at the airport?: You should be at the airport already. When to arrive at the airport?: You should be at the airport already.
Dave Barry quotes: I don't know what you can possibly do for less than $50 to have somebody come in your house. I don't know what you can possibly do for less than $50 to have somebody come in your house.
Dave Barry quotes: The places where trails do not exist are not well marked. The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
Dave Barry quotes: The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
Dave Barry quotes: Remember that being offended is not the same thing as being right. Remember that being offended is not the same thing as being right.
Dave Barry quotes: Too many rocks in the mountains. Too many rocks in the mountains.
Dave Barry quotes: Our original idea was to write a book titled Fifty Shades of the Hunger Games, by J.K. Rowling with Stephen King: A John Grisham Novel. Our original idea was to write a book titled Fifty Shades of the Hunger Games, by J.K. Rowling with Stephen King: A John Grisham Novel.
Dave Barry quotes: 'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'. 'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
Dave Barry quotes: Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
Dave Barry quotes: I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
Dave Barry quotes: In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot. In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.
Dave Barry quotes: Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash. Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.
Dave Barry quotes: This is the funniest book I've ever held in my hands. Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical This is the funniest book I've ever held in my hands.
Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical
Dave Barry quotes: Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter. Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.
Dave Barry quotes: You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
Dave Barry quotes: You don't have to think really hard to get the joke. I think humor in general appeals to all people. You don't have to think really hard to get the joke. I think humor in general appeals to all people.
Dave Barry quotes: Casket wreath* 13 Diabetes Insulin Leeches* 14 Hatchet embedded in skull Removal of hatchet, treatment of wound Larger Casket wreath* 13 Diabetes Insulin Leeches* 14 Hatchet embedded in skull Removal of hatchet, treatment of wound Larger
Dave Barry quotes: My son, Rob ... said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the My son, Rob ... said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."
Dave Barry quotes: I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels. I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.
Dave Barry quotes: The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone's time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people's lives. The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone's time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people's lives.
Dave Barry quotes: Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger. Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger.
Dave Barry quotes: Some of my close friends could easily be deceased; this would not have a serious effect on our relationship. Some of my close friends could easily be deceased; this would not have a serious effect on our relationship.
Dave Barry quotes: Each year, millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities. Each year, millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.
Dave Barry quotes: I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.
Dave Barry quotes: San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions. San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.
Dave Barry quotes: Our chief marketable skill, coming out of college, is the ability to write authoritatively about things we don't necessarily understand. Our chief marketable skill, coming out of college, is the ability to write authoritatively about things we don't necessarily understand.

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