Dave Attell quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Dave Attell

Dave Attell Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Dave Attell on Wise Famous Quotes.

Dave Attell quotes: Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

Dave Attell quotes: I never wanted to be famous.

I never wanted to be famous.

Dave Attell quotes: So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

Dave Attell quotes: The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa ... Write it down!

The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa ... Write it down!

Dave Attell quotes: Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

Dave Attell quotes: I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

Dave Attell quotes: I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

Dave Attell quotes: Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

Dave Attell quotes: Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

Dave Attell quotes: I don't watch reality TV.

I don't watch reality TV.

Dave Attell quotes: What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Dave Attell quotes: I'm not really a music guy.

I'm not really a music guy.

Dave Attell quotes: For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.

For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.

Dave Attell quotes: Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.

Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.

Dave Attell quotes: If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

Dave Attell quotes: I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

Dave Attell quotes: Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.

Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.

Dave Attell quotes: I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.

I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.

Dave Attell quotes: I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

Dave Attell quotes: I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

Dave Attell quotes: You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

Dave Attell quotes: Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

Dave Attell quotes: When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

Dave Attell quotes: I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

Dave Attell quotes: Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

Dave Attell quotes: I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.

I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.

Dave Attell quotes: I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.

I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.

Dave Attell quotes: Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.

Dave Attell quotes: I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle ... then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle ... then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

Dave Attell quotes: I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

Dave Attell quotes: I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

Dave Attell quotes: I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

Dave Attell quotes: I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.

I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.

Dave Attell quotes: My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

Dave Attell quotes: I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

Dave Attell quotes: Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

Dave Attell quotes: Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Dave Attell quotes: Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

Dave Attell quotes: She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed

She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

Dave Attell quotes: I'm not like a performer type.

I'm not like a performer type.

Dave Attell quotes: I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

Dave Attell quotes: You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

Dave Attell quotes: My day jobs ... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated

My day jobs ... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

Dave Attell quotes: You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

Dave Attell quotes: I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so ... I'm not kiddin!

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so ... I'm not kiddin!

Dave Attell quotes: I smoke so much. Three packs a day ... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day ... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

Dave Attell quotes: I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.

I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.

Dave Attell quotes: Being on the road is kind of lonely.

Being on the road is kind of lonely.

Dave Attell quotes: Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

Dave Attell quotes: I have no grand scheme.

I have no grand scheme.

Dave Attell quotes: When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

Dave Attell quotes: You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

Dave Attell quotes: I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

Dave Attell quotes: Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.

Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.

Dave Attell quotes: Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? 'Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!'

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? 'Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!'

Dave Attell quotes: I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

Dave Attell quotes: I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.

I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.

Dave Attell quotes: Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

Dave Attell quotes: Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.

Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.

Dave Attell quotes: Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

Dave Attell quotes: Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?

Dave Attell quotes: I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

Dave Attell quotes: I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

Dave Attell quotes: Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Dave Attell quotes: Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.

Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.

Dave Attell quotes: Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.