Dave Attell quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Dave Attell

Dave Attell Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Dave Attell on Wise Famous Quotes.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

I never wanted to be famous.

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa ... Write it down!

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

I don't watch reality TV.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

I'm not really a music guy.

For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.

Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.

I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.

I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle ... then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

I'm not like a performer type.

I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

My day jobs ... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so ... I'm not kiddin!

I smoke so much. Three packs a day ... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.

Being on the road is kind of lonely.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

I have no grand scheme.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? 'Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!'

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.