Daniel Tosh Quotes
Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Daniel Tosh
Daniel Tosh Famous Quotes & Sayings
Discover top inspirational quotes from Daniel Tosh on Wise Famous Quotes.
Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.
I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.
I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her ...
We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.
My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.
The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.
Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.
I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.
Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.
I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.
Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.
E foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.