Daniel Tosh quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Daniel Tosh on Wise Famous Quotes.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.

Oh, southern rappers ... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house ...

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!

I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.

Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her ...

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

No touching ... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.

You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.

I'll do anything usually if there's money involved and little work.

Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

Now it's time for amasians ... That's Asians doing something amazing.

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

Sometimes I cross my own line ... it's how I know I still have one.

I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

I'm a Bad Test Taker ... you mean you're stupid?

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

Scattergories is second base for Christians.

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.

It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.

E foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.