Daniel Tosh quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Daniel Tosh on Wise Famous Quotes.

Daniel Tosh quotes: My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

Daniel Tosh quotes: The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

Daniel Tosh quotes: Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.

Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Oh, southern rappers ... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Oh, southern rappers ... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Daniel Tosh quotes: How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Daniel Tosh quotes: No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house ...

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house ...

Daniel Tosh quotes: It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

Daniel Tosh quotes: When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

Daniel Tosh quotes: You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

Daniel Tosh quotes: God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

Daniel Tosh quotes: You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Daniel Tosh quotes: The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!

I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!

Daniel Tosh quotes: I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

Daniel Tosh quotes: There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.

I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her ...

Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her ...

Daniel Tosh quotes: Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.

Daniel Tosh quotes: If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

Daniel Tosh quotes: We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Daniel Tosh quotes: My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

Daniel Tosh quotes: If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

Daniel Tosh quotes: No touching ... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.

No touching ... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.

Daniel Tosh quotes: You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

Daniel Tosh quotes: If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

Daniel Tosh quotes: Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

Daniel Tosh quotes: It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.

It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

Daniel Tosh quotes: The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.

I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I'll do anything usually if there's money involved and little work.

I'll do anything usually if there's money involved and little work.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.

Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.

Daniel Tosh quotes: High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.

Daniel Tosh quotes: A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

Daniel Tosh quotes: People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

Daniel Tosh quotes: If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

Daniel Tosh quotes: Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck

Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck

Daniel Tosh quotes: You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.

Daniel Tosh quotes: One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

Daniel Tosh quotes: If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Now it's time for amasians ... That's Asians doing something amazing.

Now it's time for amasians ... That's Asians doing something amazing.

Daniel Tosh quotes: You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

Daniel Tosh quotes: The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Sometimes I cross my own line ... it's how I know I still have one.

Sometimes I cross my own line ... it's how I know I still have one.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.

I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.

Daniel Tosh quotes: They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I'm a Bad Test Taker ... you mean you're stupid?

I'm a Bad Test Taker ... you mean you're stupid?

Daniel Tosh quotes: Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

Daniel Tosh quotes: Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Scattergories is second base for Christians.

Scattergories is second base for Christians.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

Daniel Tosh quotes: Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

Daniel Tosh quotes: Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

Daniel Tosh quotes: I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.

I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.

Daniel Tosh quotes: It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.

It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.

Daniel Tosh quotes: E foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

E foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

Daniel Tosh quotes: No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

Daniel Tosh quotes: Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

Daniel Tosh quotes: By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.