Dana Gould Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Dana Gould

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Dana Gould Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Dana Gould on Wise Famous Quotes.

Dana Gould quotes: I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers. I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
Dana Gould quotes: Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen. Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.
Dana Gould quotes: Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes! Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!
Dana Gould quotes: I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter. I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.
Dana Gould quotes: No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist. No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.
Dana Gould quotes: One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs. One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.
Dana Gould quotes: Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face. Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.
Dana Gould quotes: I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor. I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
Dana Gould quotes: Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home. Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
Dana Gould quotes: Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in. Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.
Dana Gould quotes: Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions. Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
Dana Gould quotes: If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound. If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
Dana Gould quotes: Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day. Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
Dana Gould quotes: Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise. Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
Dana Gould quotes: It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7. It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.
Dana Gould quotes: Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison. Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.
Dana Gould quotes: If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage. If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
Dana Gould quotes: Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend. Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.
Dana Gould quotes: Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place? Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
Dana Gould quotes: Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go? Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?
Dana Gould quotes: Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs. Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
Dana Gould quotes: Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be. Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.
Dana Gould quotes: How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow? How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
Dana Gould quotes: The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad. The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
Dana Gould quotes: The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come. The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.
Dana Gould quotes: I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes. I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.
Dana Gould quotes: If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice. If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.
Dana Gould quotes: My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere. My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
Dana Gould quotes: I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking. I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.
Dana Gould quotes: Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes. Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
Dana Gould quotes: The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls. The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.
Dana Gould quotes: My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good. My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.
Dana Gould quotes: As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf. As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
Dana Gould quotes: Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally? Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
Dana Gould quotes: Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible. Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
Dana Gould quotes: I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did. I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.
Dana Gould quotes: My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit. My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
Dana Gould quotes: In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike. In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.
Dana Gould quotes: Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost? Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
Dana Gould quotes: If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything? If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
Dana Gould quotes: Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done. Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.
Dana Gould quotes: Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute. Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.
Dana Gould quotes: Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo! Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
Dana Gould quotes: The average permanent lasts about four months. The average permanent lasts about four months.
Dana Gould quotes: I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones. I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.
Dana Gould quotes: Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort. Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.
Dana Gould quotes: A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife. A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
Dana Gould quotes: A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows. A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.
Dana Gould quotes: In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes. In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.
Dana Gould quotes: I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions. I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.
Dana Gould quotes: Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill! Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
Dana Gould quotes: As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see. As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.
Dana Gould quotes: My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop. My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
Dana Gould quotes: I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me! I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!
Dana Gould quotes: The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole. The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.
Dana Gould quotes: The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb. The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
Dana Gould quotes: Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding. Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
Dana Gould quotes: Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone. Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
Dana Gould quotes: Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones. Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.
Dana Gould quotes: I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive. I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.
Dana Gould quotes: That which does not kill you isn't finished. That which does not kill you isn't finished.
Dana Gould quotes: To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down. To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
Dana Gould quotes: The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger. The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
Dana Gould quotes: Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'. Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
Dana Gould quotes: Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie? Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?
Dana Gould quotes: I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children. I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
Dana Gould quotes: In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice. In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.
Dana Gould quotes: It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us? It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
Dana Gould quotes: A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby. A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.
Dana Gould quotes: I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone. I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.
Dana Gould quotes: I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers. I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.
Dana Gould quotes: ...Long story longer... ...Long story longer...
Dana Gould quotes: We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes. We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
Dana Gould quotes: I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies! I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
Dana Gould quotes: Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack. Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
Dana Gould quotes: Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles. Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
Dana Gould quotes: I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically. I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.
Dana Gould quotes: I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy. I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
Dana Gould quotes: There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly. There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.
Dana Gould quotes: Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no. Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
Dana Gould quotes: Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen. Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
Dana Gould quotes: Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with. Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
Dana Gould quotes: The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes. The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.
Dana Gould quotes: Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper. Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
Dana Gould quotes: I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid ... I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid ...
Dana Gould quotes: Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.
Dana Gould quotes: If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag. If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
Dana Gould quotes: I take the Bible literally, but not seriously. I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
Dana Gould quotes: They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino. They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.
Dana Gould quotes: Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times. Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
Dana Gould quotes: I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working. I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
Dana Gould quotes: Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants? Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
Dana Gould quotes: The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense. The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
Dana Gould quotes: I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault. I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
Dana Gould quotes: It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm! It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
Dana Gould quotes: I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line. I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
Dana Gould quotes: Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety. Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
Dana Gould quotes: Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look ... great? Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look ... great?
Dana Gould quotes: Why do old people drive with their mouths open? Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
Dana Gould quotes: You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail. You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

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