Bob Saget Quotes

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?

Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.

Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is.

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.

I really love making people laugh.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You'd be nervous too if you knew that one day you'd get your head cut off and ... filled with stuffing.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club.

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat.

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.

When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away.

My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

There are no I's in we but there are two i's in Wii.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

I never expected to live this long.

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was No hugs! Full House was all based on hugs.

My confidence wavers between being genuine and being insecure.

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby.

Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty.

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

Everyone I love I pay.

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they're both in my car and I want you to see them

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce ... I thought he was missing.

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

I become a chameleon for wherever I am.

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

Valuable people are undervalued.

My favorite Dylan song? I think it's 'Just Like a Woman.' It always makes me cry.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

Wise men say, only fools rush in. Wise men are so slow.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.

I love my mom! You can too for $12!

Some dead people said smart stuff.

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.