Aziz Ansari quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Aziz Ansari

Aziz Ansari Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Aziz Ansari on Wise Famous Quotes.

people have been cheating on each other for as long as they've made promises to be monogamous

What's up with these people and the food analogies?!

I have an amazing metabolism. I'm sure that'll be gone one day. But I like to exercise, too, so I don't think I'll ever get really fat.

One firm takeaway from all our interviews with women is that most dudes out there are straight-up bozos.

If you believe that men and women have equal rights, if someone asks if you're feminist, you have to say yes because that is how words work.

One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.

It's the hardest thing to come up with an hour of material that can consistently keep people laughing.

no matter how many options we seem to have on our screens, we should be careful not to lose track of the human beings behind them.

Most of my teachers when I grew up were like older white women. So, I couldn't really channel them.

Online dating is just a vehicle to meet more people," she says. "It's not the place to actually date." For

No nudity or sex happens at hostess clubs. It's basically like prostitution, but they just hang out with you. I was very confused.

I'm an optimist - I feel like an amazing part of life is that at any moment.

No one's trying to get with jugglers.

Once you become a comedian, you accept that people are just going to yell stuff at you.

So: just drinks, minimal effort on his part, and you have travel to him. Ladies, are you getting sexually excited just reading this?!

Come cook food with me and do nothing.

A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.

Emily told us. "I would never go on a first date somewhere in my town because I know all the waiters. I know all the bartenders. I know everybody.

She felt HORRIBLE. It was the greatest Valentine's Day gift I've ever received.

While we may think we know what we want, we're often wrong".

I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.

If you look up feminist in the dictionary, it just means someone who believes men and women have equal rights ...

I think absurdist humor is funny ...

I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.

I've never done online dating.

For the first time in history, the typical American now spends more years single than married. What

But this whole idea of marrying for happiness and love is relatively new. For

I was surprised to learn that research showed arranged couples tended to be happier in the long run.

I have no interest in art. Let me clarify - I have no interest in non-nude images.

(On a side note, I would give pretty much anything to have been in the room where the guy said, "I've got it! We'll call it . . . Soapland!")

Some are clearly so confused that they have taken to wearing fedoras. A difficult period indeed.

Any jokes I make I try to make sure it's on story and helps the characters and makes sense with the movie.

too many people spend way too much time doing the online part of online dating, not the dating part.

Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!

I just didn't want to be pigeonholed as an 'ethnic comic' or an 'Asian comic.' I just wanted to be on the same playing field as everyone else.

I weirdly do consider myself an optimist about love.

Regardless of your ethnicity or anything, if you do great work, people will notice and you'll get hired.

Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes treat magicians?

What if I couldn't read? I wouldn't be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!

It's much more fun to share and laugh at the bad times and the frustrations. I find you get a much deeper connection with the audience that way.

It was brutal to read. After two years the relationship was ended with a ":/," not even a fully fleshed-out emoji. There

I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba - little guy cruises around and plays music. What's hot, DJ Roomba!

When you meet someone you really like and connect with, I think that's very special, and not to be taken for granted.

I prefer being totally sober myself.

made me wonder whether our ability and desire to interact with strangers is another muscle that risks atrophy in the smartphone world.

With stand-up, it's more interesting to hear about people's failures than their successes.

The most influential thing was the two Chris Rock specials that came out when I was in high school. I was obsessed with that stuff.

Yeah, I've been a little down. Totally natural. I'm getting a divorce, but now I'm ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.

leaving, like, "Tanya, you're a very charming lady . . ." She said, "Aziz, you're a pretty charming guy too.

I'm like an elephant, ok? If I walk into a room, it's like, OK, he's in there.

I like the brand Band of Outsiders. Their suits are cut really slim, for smaller framed gentlemen.

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.

To be honest, I tend to romanticize the past, and though I appreciate all the conveniences of modern life, sometimes I yearn for simpler times.

Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.

True love? This guy has a job and a decent mustache. Lock it down, girl.

I often don't answer, but I like receiving them," said one woman, who seemed oblivious to how ridiculous this statement sounded.

Oh, what's this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet.

If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.

what stranger can compete with a video that documents the budding friendship of two baby hippopotamuses? No one, that's who.

You don't know Jay-Z's scedule. He's a renaissance man.

I have found that she is as kind and caring a person as she is hilarious. Simply put, Amy Poehler is my hero.

And now I'm at home on a laptop again, typing out stuff for this chapter that you are reading right now, possibly on a screen as well!

I like going out and I like being single, but a growing part of me would rather just stay home, cook food with someone I really like, and do nothing.

Why would anyone get married and have babies? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. Or the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life.

I spend so much time on the Internet ... I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading.

The four sweetest words in the English language - 'You wore me down.'

I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat.

I live in L.A., I go on tour all the time, I'm in New York half the year - it's very hard to be in a relationship.

Fiddling knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man.

Encountering potential partners via online dating profiles reduces three-dimensional people to two-dimensional displays of information,

I write characters that are based on elements of people I know and experiences I've really had.

Even in my stand-up, there's a lot more positivity and enthusiasm rather than negative, I-hate-everything vibes.

You've got to be pretty confident that you're good. If I do a show and for whatever reason no one laughs, I'll be like, 'Wow, those people are weird'.

You should really treat stand-up like you would a play. It's a one-man play.

The couples that did the novel and exciting activities showed a significantly greater increase in relationship quality.

When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.

Even if you say you "don't play games," that is a type of game - it is the "I don't play games" game.

Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on.

Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.

Today, if you own a smartphone, you're carrying a 24-7 singles bar in your pocket.

I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

Being a rapper is about being cool, but being a comedian, you're not supposed to be the coolest guy.

Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try it out and hope for the best.

If you live a responsible life, you'll run into responsible people,

Waiting for true love was a luxury that many, especially women, could not afford.

Oh, I'm sure he's much more intelligent and thoughtful in person. This is just his "lazy phone persona.

The hardest part about rollerblading is telling your parents you're gay.

At the risk bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.

I am perpetually indecisive on even the most mundane decisions, and I couldn't imagine leaving such an important choice to other people

OH, Shit! Thanks for buying my book. That money is MINE.

Acting is a plum gig, and then animation is an even more plum gig.

What's cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn't be able to joke about in stand-up.

I know my fan base is a smart group of people.

Others fear what the morrow may bring. I am afraid of what happened yesterday.

Maybe we are trying to meet every single person in order to be sure we have the best. Maybe we have it all wrong.

I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.

Aren't you scared your kid's getting kidnapped ... RIGHT NOW?

Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn't notice.

Come on, man, I got a full beard!

London seems to be a town with a lot of comedy fans and people that really enjoy stand-up.