Amy Schumer quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Amy Schumer on Wise Famous Quotes.

It's relaxing sometimes, just being human.

I don't know how introverts survived without the Internet. Or with the Internet. Actually, I don't know how we survive at all. It feels impossible.

You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.

Focus on your own goals and how to achieve them. No one took your spot, there's room for all of us.

I always did plays, I got the comedic roles in college ... or, uh, the ones that would get naked.

She made my favorite breakfast and recruited me to be the cheerleader of her mistake.

We all accept too easily that life has to be hard and forget to make sure we have the most fun we can.

He was really into family ... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.

I don't even want to know someone who isn't barely hanging on by a thread.

I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.

I completely identify as female, believe it or not.

Let's all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up.

You shoot saltwater in your ass?

I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was.

The saddest revelation I've had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people.

I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'

My hustle has often involved food, because, much like household pets or toddlers, I am food-motivated, which is a handy thing to know about me.

I'm glad I struggled. I think I'd be an asshole if my money were anything other than the "new" kind.

To me, feminism means equality between men and women. I want to make people laugh and also point out some injustices or inequalities I see.

I would be like the third-hottest bartender at a Dave & Buster's in Cincinnati.

I wear my mistakes like badges of honor, and I celebrate them.

Isn't it funny that they say most girls have daddy issues, when really, every dude does?

I am not special just because I'm famous right now.

I call myself a comic.But I started as an actress. I did plays since I was 5.

He presented to the world the facade of a certain kind of man who wasn't really there.

You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

I feel very open with people, and I'm good at disarming them and having conversations.

I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.

I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.

The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford.

It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?

You know that show 'Teen Mom'? Or if you're from the South, 'Mom.

Seeing the people I love happy. 4.

The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.

It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna!

I want to keep working really hard at getting better at stand-up and touring, and I can't imagine a time when I won't want to do that. But, who knows?

First of all, nobody can be innocent and wise at the same time. That's another one of those impossible combinations.

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.

I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.

I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too.

It's hard out there for a fuzzy little introvert.

tactics for negotiating with adults. I came on pretty strong at my friends' houses because

I'm not extra sensitive to handshakes. I shake hands all the time.

I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.

I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me.

The saddest realization I've had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people. I aged a decade in that moment.

I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.

I hope that the next time you go to a concert, the band doesn't play the song you wanna hear! And instead, they just play songs off their new album!

The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.

Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?

I'm still proud of a lot of my jokes when I started.

I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless.