Rita Rudner Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Rita Rudner

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Rita Rudner quotes: My Vegas act is how I make my money. My Vegas act is how I make my money.
Rita Rudner quotes: How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon? How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?
Rita Rudner quotes: Never take candy from strangers. Never take candy from strangers.
Rita Rudner quotes: If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.
Rita Rudner quotes: I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.
Rita Rudner quotes: I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
Rita Rudner quotes: An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work. An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.
Rita Rudner quotes: I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy.
Rita Rudner quotes: Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.
Rita Rudner quotes: If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.
Rita Rudner quotes: I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.
Rita Rudner quotes: Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner quotes: I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself well, that's not going to happen I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself well, that's not going to happen
Rita Rudner quotes: A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Rita Rudner quotes: Cats are a waste of fur. Cats are a waste of fur.
Rita Rudner quotes: Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
Rita Rudner quotes: I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
Rita Rudner quotes: I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur. I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.
Rita Rudner quotes: The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic. The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.
Rita Rudner quotes: All men would still really like to own a train set. All men would still really like to own a train set.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture. Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
Rita Rudner quotes: If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
Rita Rudner quotes: Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying
Rita Rudner quotes: I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum. I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.
Rita Rudner quotes: I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life. I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.
Rita Rudner quotes: I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21. I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.
Rita Rudner quotes: When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Rita Rudner quotes: To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
Rita Rudner quotes: My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married adn I didn't want him to. My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married adn I didn't want him to.
Rita Rudner quotes: If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires. If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
Rita Rudner quotes: If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
Rita Rudner quotes: I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Rita Rudner quotes: My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner quotes: All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Rita Rudner quotes: Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
Rita Rudner quotes: When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost? When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?
Rita Rudner quotes: My mother buried three husbands ... and two of them were only napping. My mother buried three husbands ... and two of them were only napping.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Rita Rudner quotes: When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always. When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner quotes: I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner quotes: I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward. I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward.
Rita Rudner quotes: All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience. All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.
Rita Rudner quotes: I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying. I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.
Rita Rudner quotes: I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men who write love letters don't live in this century. Men who write love letters don't live in this century.
Rita Rudner quotes: When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other. When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner quotes: I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident. I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.
Rita Rudner quotes: Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs. Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.
Rita Rudner quotes: After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch. After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.
Rita Rudner quotes: The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one. The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
Rita Rudner quotes: My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale. My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.
Rita Rudner quotes: My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover. Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men don't mature. Marry a younger one. Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
Rita Rudner quotes: I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
Rita Rudner quotes: When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always
Rita Rudner quotes: My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.
Rita Rudner quotes: How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go? How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?