Rita Rudner Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Rita Rudner

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Rita Rudner Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Rita Rudner on Wise Famous Quotes.

Rita Rudner quotes: Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake. Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.
Rita Rudner quotes: There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
Rita Rudner quotes: A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
Rita Rudner quotes: The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
Rita Rudner quotes: We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner quotes: In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner quotes: I had the most boring office job in the world ... I used to clean the windows on envelopes. I had the most boring office job in the world ... I used to clean the windows on envelopes.
Rita Rudner quotes: I'm going to start water skiing someday ... as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat. I'm going to start water skiing someday ... as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers. Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.
Rita Rudner quotes: I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
Rita Rudner quotes: My Vegas act is how I make my money. My Vegas act is how I make my money.
Rita Rudner quotes: I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.
Rita Rudner quotes: I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine ... I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine ...
Rita Rudner quotes: How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon? How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?
Rita Rudner quotes: Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror. Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men in high levels of government seldom surf. Men in high levels of government seldom surf.
Rita Rudner quotes: My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home. My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.
Rita Rudner quotes: On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.' On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.'
Rita Rudner quotes: Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Rita Rudner quotes: When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
Rita Rudner quotes: I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner quotes: I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me.
Rita Rudner quotes: All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to. Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.
Rita Rudner quotes: I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life. I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Rita Rudner quotes: I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
Rita Rudner quotes: Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l. Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
Rita Rudner quotes: Never take candy from strangers. Never take candy from strangers.
Rita Rudner quotes: I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to. I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.
Rita Rudner quotes: One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes. One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.
Rita Rudner quotes: I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go. I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.
Rita Rudner quotes: It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture. Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Rita Rudner quotes: All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience. All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.
Rita Rudner quotes: When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always. When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner quotes: I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner quotes: How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go? How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
Rita Rudner quotes: I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying. I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.
Rita Rudner quotes: I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward. I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward.
Rita Rudner quotes: I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men who write love letters don't live in this century. Men who write love letters don't live in this century.
Rita Rudner quotes: When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other. When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner quotes: I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident. I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.
Rita Rudner quotes: Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs. Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.
Rita Rudner quotes: After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch. After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.
Rita Rudner quotes: The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one. The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
Rita Rudner quotes: My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale. My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.
Rita Rudner quotes: My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover. Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men don't mature. Marry a younger one. Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
Rita Rudner quotes: I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
Rita Rudner quotes: When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always
Rita Rudner quotes: My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.
Rita Rudner quotes: I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself well, that's not going to happen I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself well, that's not going to happen
Rita Rudner quotes: Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture. Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.
Rita Rudner quotes: All men would still really like to own a train set. All men would still really like to own a train set.
Rita Rudner quotes: The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic. The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.
Rita Rudner quotes: I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur. I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.
Rita Rudner quotes: I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner quotes: Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
Rita Rudner quotes: Cats are a waste of fur. Cats are a waste of fur.
Rita Rudner quotes: A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
Rita Rudner quotes: Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner quotes: I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.
Rita Rudner quotes: If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.
Rita Rudner quotes: Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.
Rita Rudner quotes: I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy.
Rita Rudner quotes: An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work. An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.
Rita Rudner quotes: I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
Rita Rudner quotes: I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.
Rita Rudner quotes: If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.
Rita Rudner quotes: My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married adn I didn't want him to. My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married adn I didn't want him to.
Rita Rudner quotes: When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost? When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?
Rita Rudner quotes: Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Rita Rudner quotes: All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
Rita Rudner quotes: My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner quotes: I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Rita Rudner quotes: If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
Rita Rudner quotes: If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires. If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.
Rita Rudner quotes: My mother buried three husbands ... and two of them were only napping. My mother buried three husbands ... and two of them were only napping.
Rita Rudner quotes: To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
Rita Rudner quotes: When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Rita Rudner quotes: I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21. I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.
Rita Rudner quotes: I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life. I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.
Rita Rudner quotes: I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum. I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying
Rita Rudner quotes: Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
Rita Rudner quotes: If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
Rita Rudner quotes: Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

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