This Week's Funny Quotes: top 40 famous quotes about This Week's Funny

This Week's Funny Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational This Week's Funny quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. — Joe E. Lewis

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off! — Henny Youngman

It was said that the gods favored fools because they were entertaining to watch. — N.K. Jemisin

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?" — Frank Carson

John Legend is a cool guy. He likes to chill, is easy to talk to and hang out with. He's also inspiring on a musical level. — Estelle

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. — Henny Youngman

There's not a single job in this town. There's nothin', nada, zip. Unless you wanna workforty hours a week. — Jeff Daniels

Ninety nine failed solutions equals a gain of 99 pieces of information. — Albert Einstein

I like to be surrounded by splendid things. — Freddie Mercury

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed ... But we're going back next week. — Groucho Marx

I can go for a week without a guitar, but it's not even funny if I don't get to surf for a month. — Jack Johnson

Once you get on the path leading to your success, the devil will try to stop you — Sunday Adelaja

See God in every person, place, and thing, and all will be well in your world. — Louise Hay

The human race, whose intelligence dates back only a single tick of the astronomical clock, could hardly hope to understand so soon what it all means. — James Jeans

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth. — Louis C.K.

I was apprehensive about bringing off this Homer. — Peter O'Toole

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four. — Tommy Cooper

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. — Henny Youngman

You can't be a clothes hanger for your entire life. — Twiggy

I had family and friends back home. Just because I could potentially feel alone in Los Angeles, that didn't mean I was alone. — Alona Tal

I would say 80% of the scripts I get are dramas and not comedies or romantic comedies, which is funny because that's what I do every week. — Eva Longoria

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. — Henny Youngman

Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there. — Bill Madlock

As an actor myself, I know we go where the work is, but I think it's sad the Lyric haven't found any homegrown talent. — Ian Beattie

God has made the cat to give man the pleasure of caressing the tiger. — Victor Hugo

Is that the biggest favor your vocal cords have done to anyone this week? — Pawan Mishra

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week. — Groucho Marx

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees ... — Mike Birbiglia

I survived a divorce, no children and come to Paris three days per week. My cat ran away on a love adventure; don't know when he will be back. — Tionne Rogers

You know a guy is funny when a week later you can still feel the little knives he stuck in you. — Katherine Applegate

Seahawks beat Cardinals, 58-0. If Patriots beat Texans, 58-0, it will be first time in NFL history there were two 58-0 games in same week. — Norman Chad

It's funny how quickly tomorrow becomes yesterday and then last week and then you run out of time. — Michelle Gable

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass. — Lewis Black

So," James asks in a sing-song voice. "What's manly Manny's place like? Does he have a Red Room of Pain? — Kristen Callihan

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair. — Doug Stanhope

Listen, I'd rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to read that paragraph again! — Diane Ackerman

What is truth? said jesting Pilate; and would not stay for an answer. — Francis Bacon

A week is a long time in politics, and three weeks is twice as long. — Rosie Barnes

When I play discos in Belfast or freshers' week in Oxford, there are 1,800 kids dressed as me. It's odd, it's funny, and it pays really well. — David Hasselhoff