Smoove Quotes

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him? — J. B. Smoove

You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over. — J. B. Smoove

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious. — J. B. Smoove

That's what I am; I'm a drip. You still get hydrated, you still get your nutrients, just a little at a damn time. — J. B. Smoove

It's an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies. — J. B. Smoove

Father's Day just be Mother's Day the sequel. — J. B. Smoove

Sometimes you got to put somebody in their place, let them know that you mean business and you're a grown ass man. — J. B. Smoove

My wife is a vegetarian. When my wife is with me, I eat vegetarian. When she's not, I eat meat. I'm just being honest. — J. B. Smoove

My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing. — J. B. Smoove

I try to dress smooth, I try to keep my face shaved, I try to keep my head cut. I try to do all the things to keep it smooth going! — J. B. Smoove

Some of the best dramatic actors have started in comedy. — J. B. Smoove

I'm trying to be the Jay-Z of comedy one day. I don't know if there's any comedy moguls out there, but I would love to be the first comedy mogul. — J. B. Smoove

A lot of comedians are selfish. — J. B. Smoove

You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world. — J. B. Smoove

I am addicted to hockey now. I've seen it on TV, but to be there? I had no idea that white people were having so much fun without me. — J. B. Smoove

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache. — J. B. Smoove

You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger. — J. B. Smoove

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage. — J. B. Smoove

I don't like to dabble in anything I don't do well. I don't talk politics. — J. B. Smoove

I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white. — J. B. Smoove

You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me. — J. B. Smoove

I was the hallway clown in high school. — J. B. Smoove

I believe, even when I'm doing my standup or my acting or whatever I'm doing, I believe in painting pictures. — J. B. Smoove

You want your lady to be a contortionist. What man wouldn't want a lady who's a contortionist? — J. B. Smoove

For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place. — J. B. Smoove

At the top of this list has to be "get in that ass". It's the ultimate Leonism to get you through life. — J. B. Smoove

I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage. — J. B. Smoove

We came here to pick up chicks, not talk about dicks. — J. B. Smoove

Women put guys through tests all the time. — J. B. Smoove

People love things about Hollywood. People love to see the inside of what's going on. — J. B. Smoove

Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night. — J. B. Smoove

I have to satisfy my audience. — J. B. Smoove

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest. — J. B. Smoove

You can't let people take advantage of you. Go get that ass. — J. B. Smoove

It's not even race; it's a certain type of person that gets 'Pootie Tang.' — J. B. Smoove

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast. — J. B. Smoove

When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class. — J. B. Smoove

I'm a thief. I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers. — J. B. Smoove

I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace. — J. B. Smoove

Just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn't really a break up, it was a booty call I might have took too serious. — J. B. Smoove

Before I got into stand-up, I used to be a hip-hop dancer in a crew, and my name was J. Smoove, and my partner was J. Groove. — J. B. Smoove

I'm looking to be the next comedy mogul. — J. B. Smoove

I should be European, man. I'm long and lean. I'd look good in a trench coat. — J. B. Smoove

I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers, man. They all call me The Thief. — J. B. Smoove

True Yankees fans know an up-and-coming player when they see one. — J. B. Smoove

There're rules to being the side chick. Rule number one: you're number two. — J. B. Smoove

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline. — J. B. Smoove

I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons. — J. B. Smoove

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware? — J. B. Smoove

I love to pitch things that I believe in and products that I love to use. — J. B. Smoove

If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late. — J. B. Smoove

I'm putting on a suit and tie when I go see The Great Gatsby. — J. B. Smoove

Police blog or entertainment news, it's just good to see your name in print. — J. B. Smoove

I wish black people had a flag they could put into the ground, like when the troops stormed Iwo Jima. — J. B. Smoove

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing. — J. B. Smoove

Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest. — J. B. Smoove

I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious. — J. B. Smoove