Richard Jeni Quotes: top 33 famous quotes about Richard Jeni

Richard Jeni Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Richard Jeni quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend. — Richard Jeni

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life. — Richard Jeni

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans ... weighs as much as the other two. — Richard Jeni

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was! — Richard Jeni

Never fry bacon when you're naked. — Richard Jeni

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example. — Richard Jeni

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank. — Richard Jeni

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right. — Richard Jeni

You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong? — Richard Jeni

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend. — Richard Jeni

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it. — Richard Jeni

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck. — Richard Jeni

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats? — Richard Jeni

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him. — Richard Jeni

Easiest job you could ever have ... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt. — Richard Jeni

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem. — Richard Jeni

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is ... zero. — Richard Jeni

When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion. — Richard Jeni

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will. — Richard Jeni

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'? — Richard Jeni

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding. — Richard Jeni

If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? — Richard Jeni

I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird! — Richard Jeni

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is. — Richard Jeni

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year. — Richard Jeni

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday. — Richard Jeni

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death. — Richard Jeni

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control. — Richard Jeni

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine ... look into that second, less painful career. — Richard Jeni

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins. — Richard Jeni

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong! — Richard Jeni

Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke! — Richard Jeni

You know what the average person is? Average. — Richard Jeni