Milton Berle Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Milton Berle quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
Laughter is an instant vacation.
— Milton Berle
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
— Milton Berle
My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
— Milton Berle
You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation
— Milton Berle
I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
— Milton Berle
The only place success comes before is in the dictionary
— Milton Berle
I remember tap-dancing and singing in front of the TV when I was a kid, telling my dad to stop watching Ed Sullivan or Milton Berle and watch me.
— Andie MacDowell
Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.
— Milton Berle
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
— Milton Berle
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
— Milton Berle
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
— Milton Berle
They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
— Milton Berle
Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
— Milton Berle
You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
— Milton Berle
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
— Milton Berle
He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.
— Milton Berle
In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
— Milton Berle
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
— Milton Berle
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
— Milton Berle
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
— Milton Berle
I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
— Milton Berle
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
— Milton Berle
An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.
— Milton Berle
Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
— Milton Berle
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
— Milton Berle
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient
— Milton Berle
My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.
— Milton Berle
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
— Milton Berle
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
— Milton Berle
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
— Milton Berle
It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.
— Milton Berle
My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.
— Milton Berle
I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
— Milton Berle
At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
— Milton Berle
They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
— Milton Berle
What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
— Milton Berle
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
— Milton Berle
Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.
— Milton Berle
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
— Milton Berle
War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
— Milton Berle
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
— Milton Berle
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
— Milton Berle
One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
— Milton Berle
When opportunity doesn't knock, create a door
— Milton Berle
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
— Milton Berle
I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands
— Milton Berle
It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
— Milton Berle
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
— Milton Berle
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
— Milton Berle
This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"
— Milton Berle
The only ones who like Milton Berle are his mother - and the public.
— Walter Winchell
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
— Milton Berle
At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.
— Milton Berle
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
— Milton Berle
Radio ... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people ... who fortunately can't reach me.
— Milton Berle
I have a file of four million jokes ... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.
— Milton Berle
I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
— Milton Berle
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
— Milton Berle
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
— Milton Berle
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
— Milton Berle
For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
— Milton Berle
Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
— Milton Berle
Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
— Milton Berle
Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
— Milton Berle
