Marriage Funny Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Marriage Funny
Marriage Funny Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Marriage Funny quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
— Henny Youngman
No comedian's wife thinks he's funny. The first few years of the marriage, maybe. I was funny as hell the first couple of years.
— Tom Smothers
Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important.
— Lisa Hoffman
Marriage is the equivalent of trying to live with a bug perpetually up your nose.D'Artagnan Bloodhawke — D'Artagnan Bloodhawke
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house ...
— Daniel Tosh
My parents' marriage is a gift to everyone around them - 60 years of making their kids laugh. How many parents are actually funny?
— Louise Erdrich
As marriage produces children, so children produce care and disputes; and wrangling.
— Mary Wortley Montagu
For every guy who loves being a dad, there's another who realizes too late that he's created something his wife loves more than him.
— Mark R. Brand
I was married once before, and I stopped.
— Marc Maron
Somehow, having a deer preside over the ceremony of a werewolf and a girl seems oddly appropriate.
— Maggie Stiefvater
I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.
— Jerry Seinfeld
In real life, couples bond and war over a million different things. The causes of divorce are like beautiful, unique snowflakes.
— Howard Mittelmark
I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.
— Kinky Friedman
I really don't have a problem with gay marriage ... because I'm tolerant and rational.
— David Cross
Each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people.
— Russell M. Nelson
Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it.
— Heather Locklear
The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn't say.
— Alfred Hitchcock
Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk.
— Mignon McLaughlin
Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.
— Gloria Steinem
Every man should marry - and no woman
— Benjamin Disraeli
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
— Francois De La Rochefoucauld
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
— Paula Deen
Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it.
— Benjamin Mancroft, 3rd Baron Mancroft
In the early years, you fight because you don't understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do.
— Joan Didion
I have trouble saying hu ... hu ... husband.
— Rosanna Arquette
Marriage is great. It'll calm you down - that and neutering.
— Kevin Nealon
Marriage - as its veterans know well - is the continuous process of getting used to things you hadn't expected.
— Thomas Mullen
It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, and he was a Klingon.
— Carol Leifer
I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.
— Wendy Liebman
The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation.
— Lord Chesterfield
Opposities are married.
— Ljupka Cvetanova
Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage.
— Norm MacDonald
Tomorrow, Trubshawe, I am going to get married again, thereby quite possibly making the greatest mistake of my life.
— David Niven
I like marriage. The idea.
— Toni Morrison
Marriage is nature's way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child.
— Robert Breault
Thou mayest choose an helpmeet," said the King to me.An helpmeet? What the great googly-moogly was that? — Michael Darling
Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Let me tell you, honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.
— Larry Gelbart
Mom, camping is not a date; it's an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.
— Yvonne Prinz
The lot of the brideto be wed before bed
desired until rotten.
The lot of the author
to be read before bed
admired then forgotten. — Roman Payne
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
— Bette Davis
I've taken my fun where I've found it, An' now I must pay for my fun, For the more you 'ave known o' the others The less will you settle to one.
— Rudyard Kipling
For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.
— Ray Romano
You know you've reached the end of a relationship: when your lover now demands that your jokes be funny before they laugh.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage.
— Laura Kightlinger
I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.
— Lewis Grizzard
We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.
— Mort Sahl
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'
— Robin Williams
That woman," Grimm said quietly, "drives me quite insane."Kettle grunted. "Why'd you marry her, then? — Jim Butcher
Alma: I rather suspect her of being in love with him. Martin: Her own husband? Monstrous! What a selfish woman!
— Lady Randolph Churchill
The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock."
— William Rehnquist
I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.
— Gilbert Gottfried
You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ... ? I wonder what I was blushing about?
— Gracie Allen
Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich.
— Habeeb Akande
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
— Minnie Pearl
The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.
— Dorothy Parker
The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases.
— Nia Vardalos
Marriage is like a 5,000- piece jigsaw of the sky.
— Cathy Ladman
Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.
— Carol Leifer
One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride.
— Bernard Malamud
There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'
— William Cosmo Monkhouse
Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.
— Bob Hope
Marriage marks the end of many short follies - being one long stupidity.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
— Henny Youngman
Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them!
— Kathy Lette
I don't care how handsome or fabulous or funny the groom is, or how sweet and accommodating the bride, or vice versa. Marriage is hard.
— Jenna McCarthy
She said yes. If only she didn't talk so much!
— Ljupka Cvetanova
He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife.
— Ljupka Cvetanova
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
— Henny Youngman
Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all.
— Matshona Dhliwayo
