Marriage Funny Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Marriage Funny

Marriage Funny Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Marriage Funny quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse. — Henny Youngman

Marriage is like pleading guilty to an indefinite sentence. Without parole. — John Mortimer

No comedian's wife thinks he's funny. The first few years of the marriage, maybe. I was funny as hell the first couple of years. — Tom Smothers

Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important. — Lisa Hoffman

Marriage is the equivalent of trying to live with a bug perpetually up your nose.
D'Artagnan Bloodhawke — D'Artagnan Bloodhawke

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house ... — Daniel Tosh

My parents' marriage is a gift to everyone around them - 60 years of making their kids laugh. How many parents are actually funny? — Louise Erdrich

As marriage produces children, so children produce care and disputes; and wrangling. — Mary Wortley Montagu

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married. — Jim Norton

I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage. — Will Rogers

Dammit Sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't always be living for pleasure! — Oscar Wilde

For every guy who loves being a dad, there's another who realizes too late that he's created something his wife loves more than him. — Mark R. Brand

I was married once before, and I stopped. — Marc Maron

Somehow, having a deer preside over the ceremony of a werewolf and a girl seems oddly appropriate. — Maggie Stiefvater

I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical. — Jerry Seinfeld

In real life, couples bond and war over a million different things. The causes of divorce are like beautiful, unique snowflakes. — Howard Mittelmark

A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife. — E.W. Howe

I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us. — Kinky Friedman

I really don't have a problem with gay marriage ... because I'm tolerant and rational. — David Cross

Each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people. — Russell M. Nelson

Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it. — Heather Locklear

The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn't say. — Alfred Hitchcock

Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk. — Mignon McLaughlin

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women. — Gloria Steinem

Every man should marry - and no woman — Benjamin Disraeli

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. — Francois De La Rochefoucauld

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. — Paula Deen

Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it. — Benjamin Mancroft, 3rd Baron Mancroft

In the early years, you fight because you don't understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do. — Joan Didion

I have trouble saying hu ... hu ... husband. — Rosanna Arquette

Marriage is great. It'll calm you down - that and neutering. — Kevin Nealon

Marriage - as its veterans know well - is the continuous process of getting used to things you hadn't expected. — Thomas Mullen

Like good wine, marriage gets better with age - once you learn to keep a cork in it. — Gene Perret

It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, and he was a Klingon. — Carol Leifer

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff. — Wendy Liebman

The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation. — Lord Chesterfield

The only time some fellows are seen with their wives is after they're indicted. — Kin Hubbard

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third. — Woody Allen

Opposities are married. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage. — Norm MacDonald

Tomorrow, Trubshawe, I am going to get married again, thereby quite possibly making the greatest mistake of my life. — David Niven

I like marriage. The idea. — Toni Morrison

Marriage is nature's way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child. — Robert Breault

Thou mayest choose an helpmeet," said the King to me.
An helpmeet? What the great googly-moogly was that? — Michael Darling

Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Let me tell you, honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce. — Larry Gelbart

Mom, camping is not a date; it's an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home. — Yvonne Prinz

A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it. — Pawan Mishra

The lot of the bride
to be wed before bed
desired until rotten.
The lot of the author
to be read before bed
admired then forgotten. — Roman Payne

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did. — Bette Davis

I've taken my fun where I've found it, An' now I must pay for my fun, For the more you 'ave known o' the others The less will you settle to one. — Rudyard Kipling

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two. — Ray Romano

You know you've reached the end of a relationship: when your lover now demands that your jokes be funny before they laugh. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage. — Laura Kightlinger

Young men want to be faithful, and are not. Old men want to be faithless, and cannot. — Oscar Wilde

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. — Lewis Grizzard

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were. — Mort Sahl

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.' — Robin Williams

That woman," Grimm said quietly, "drives me quite insane."
Kettle grunted. "Why'd you marry her, then? — Jim Butcher

Alma: I rather suspect her of being in love with him. Martin: Her own husband? Monstrous! What a selfish woman! — Lady Randolph Churchill

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks. — Bauvard

The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock." — William Rehnquist

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things. — Gilbert Gottfried

You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ... ? I wonder what I was blushing about? — Gracie Allen

Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich. — Habeeb Akande

If I ever mary, it will be on a suddn impulse - as aman shoots himself — H.L. Mencken

If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams — Jim Carrey

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad. — Woody Allen

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot. — Minnie Pearl

The definition of eternity is two people and a ham. — Dorothy Parker

The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases. — Nia Vardalos

Marriage is like a 5,000- piece jigsaw of the sky. — Cathy Ladman

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. — Oscar Wilde

Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there. — Carol Leifer

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you. — Kristen Schaal

Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out. — Rich Vos

It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife ! — Akbar

One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride. — Bernard Malamud

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!' — William Cosmo Monkhouse

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series. — Bob Hope

Marriage marks the end of many short follies - being one long stupidity. — Friedrich Nietzsche

Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much ...
... Monogamy ? It's the same. — Oscar Wilde

An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce. — Ann Landers

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. — Henny Youngman

Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them! — Kathy Lette

I don't care how handsome or fabulous or funny the groom is, or how sweet and accommodating the bride, or vice versa. Marriage is hard. — Jenna McCarthy

No chimpanzee husband would stand by while his wife lost all her coconuts. — Kurt Vonnegut

Marriage is like retiring as a bachelor and getting a sexual pension. You don't have to work for the sex any more, but you only get 65% as much. — Aristotle.

She said yes. If only she didn't talk so much! — Ljupka Cvetanova

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice. — Adam Ferrara

Divorce runs high these days, but I'm an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular. — Bauvard

He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife. — Ljupka Cvetanova

The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much. — Colin Chapman

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. — Henny Youngman

Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all. — Matshona Dhliwayo

Weddings, I began to understand, were vile, filthy things when they ran amuck. — Laurie Notaro

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. — Dave Barry

Most of a husband's life is spent in doing research on his wife. — Pawan Mishra

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much. — Bob Monkhouse

If you want your wife to listen to you, talk to another woman. — Bob Phillips

I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one. — Frank Skinner