M*a*s*h Funny Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about M*a*s*h Funny

Mas*h Funny Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational M*a*s*h Funny quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

We all flinched as Ray flipped the breaker back on, but my laboratory again failed to erupt in flames. It must be a mad scientist record. — Richard Roberts

I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job. — George H. W. Bush

Funny that. We live in islands of Hours and we never seem to have time enough for anything ... — Clive Barker

Marriage is like pleading guilty to an indefinite sentence. Without parole. — John Mortimer

I think I got a lot of my 'funny' DNA from my mother, who had a glorious sense of the ridiculous. — Christopher Buckley

I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing. — Mitch Hedberg

One does not simply ring Roland.
Oh boy. I supposed I would get a lecture on the dangers of wandering into Mordor next. — Ilona Andrews

It's funny, because readers think they want the characters to be blissfully happy, but it makes it kind of boring for the reader. — L.A. Weatherly

A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark. — H.L. Mencken

Finn gave a soft laugh. 'What's so funny?' 'I think you're the first person to actually apologise for inflicting pain. Usually it's someone's hobby. — Tabitha McGowan

Sometimes advises from others are more difficult to bear with than even slang. — Amit Kalantri

Do try The House by fresh new author, Susannah Mansfield, it's funny, sad and very different, you'll love the characters and the stories. — Susannah Mansfield

I'm so careless that now i don't even care if i cared about you. — Me

There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It's like he was raised by giraffes or something. — H.M. Ward

My grandmother raised me. She was a real no-nonsense but very funny lady. I drove tractors, made hay, milked cows, fed the chicken, fed the pigs. — Carol Bartz

And there's no damage to the car. Except to the car itself. — Murray Walker

When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." — Franklyn Ajaye

It is funny how no one seems to want my always excellent advice. — Anne Lamott

So, funny story. There are fairies? In the Dark Woods. And I might have pissed off their king."
There was silence. Then, "Of course you did. — T.J. Klune

This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks. — Noel Fielding

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. — Steven Wright

If I let you go are you going to hit me again?"
"What do you think?"
"Then I'm not going to let you go. — Sarah Mayberry

Avery: Yeah right, very funny, when are you going to shoot me and dump my body at captree? This is Getting old. — H.M. Ward

I don't want want to go to jail, I'm fragile. — Adam Sandler

That one doesn't count. The poor scoundrel is deaf, but he makes a fine sniffer. How do you think we found you? — H.S. Crow

Go fuck a cactus, classless cunt. — H.M. Ward

The only real significance she had attached to the memory was that it was funny what stuck with you. — David Foster Wallace

Char is beautiful, smart, funny, and I love the way our bodies communicate with one another. It's as if she was made for me." ~ Riley — T.H. Snyder

Culver is a language magnet school. What it's mainly a magnet for, if you want to know the truth, is nerds. — Dave Barry

My dear Natalya Petrovna, there's funny and funny. — Ivan Turgenev

It's funny what happens when you become a grandparent. You start to act all goofy and do things you never thought you'd do. It's terrific. — Mike Krzyzewski

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck. — Jeff Foxworthy

Oh, sod off, I'm calling the Police." Another series of banging on the door. "Open up, Police." That was quick. — Simon Dunn

Holy swoon-gate!' Elliot exclaims when I finally get to the end of my tale. 'If that's what Brooklyn boys are like I'm emigrating as soon as possible! — Zoe Sugg

I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. — H.L. Mencken

I don't think of any sentence as a "one-liner", but I do pay attention to how people actually speak when they are being funny. Rhythm is key. — Lorrie Moore

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready. — George Lopez

They say laughter is the best medicine, and I agree. Plus, it's free, has no bad side effects and is available to EVERYONE. — Mindy Levy

It was funny, in a twisted sort of way, that night I gained my future was the same night I lost my past. — Kelley R. Martin

I never say a funny thing intentionally. — Jayne Meadows

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard." — Frank Carson

And oil's not supposed to mix with water. But then someone invented mayonnaise, and wham - instant mixing. — Jackie Kessler

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". — Tim Vine

You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own. — H. Jackson Brown Jr.

I hope they make a show like M*A*S*H, which dealt with a lot of difficult subject matter but was very funny. — Joan Severance

Your pupils are dilated. Does that mean you want to fuck me or eat me? Because I might have a problem with one of those.
-Dex to Sloane — Charlie Cochet

I had not, I said to myself, come into the future to carry on a miniature flirtation. — H.G.Wells

If I ever mary, it will be on a suddn impulse - as aman shoots himself — H.L. Mencken

When anybody laughs, he has no mind, no thought, no problem, no suffering. — H.W.L. Poonja

Want to enjoy an restful day? Wake up, turn your phone on, meditate, look at the sky - then toss your phone into the bushes. — Waylon H. Lewis

Sometimes I wish my brain didn't always have to warn me about things. Stupid people seem to live such easy, carefree lives. — L. H. Cosway

To cut a long story short, I'm a writer. — Carla H. Krueger

I'm pretty sure my stomach has a sliver in it from rubbing up against my backbone, so back off, bitch. — H.J. Bellus

Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK.
- Jane — J.R. Ward

You know that's why mermaids swim around topless all the time, right? It's because their boobs are too big and all bras are C shells. — H.M. Ward

Jesus H. Christ on ice and Mary in the penalty box! — Rob Sheffield

Jack Black is so funny! On and off screen, like, he would make you laugh every day. He's hilarious. — Caitlin Hale

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel. — Rodney Dangerfield

Keep the other person's well being in mind when you feel an attack of soul-purging truth coming on. — Betty White

Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another. — Elizabeth Eulberg

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'. — Bill Maher

Please stop waiting for a map. We reward those who draw maps, not those who follow them. — Seth Godin

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. — Demetri Martin

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? — Henny Youngman

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big. — Mitch Hedberg

You're impossible," she told him.
"Of course I am," he answered. "It's part of my charm. — David Eddings

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!" — Mitch Hedberg

Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better. — Nicole McKay

In the silence, the bear died. It was a cute death, with funny music. — Orson Scott Card

She wanted to be given a funny script so that she could make it funnier. — Nick Hornby

She shuddered. What is it with slobbery kissers? Are they trying to drown us in spit? I mean, Jesus, swallow every now and then. — Tammara Webber

Most man can think no better than a child! This fact perfectly explains why there are so many funny beliefs! — Mehmet Murat Ildan

I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline. — Michael Summers

He runs to the sink to spit it out. I grin. There's nothing quite as funny as someone else's misery. — Holly Black

Moving on was going to require leaving the woods and getting a friend set that didn't have gray hairs, hip replacements and a few false teeth. — Rebecca Brooks

Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.' — David Letterman

It's funny; recently I've started to notice people's impersonations of me, and it's basically like a hyperactive child. — Dave Grohl

How much detention did you get?
Two weeks. One per arsehole. — Stephanie Perkins

You catch more flies with honey, ever heard of that?" He shrugged. "I don't like flies. They're annoying." He grinned "I'd rather catch hell. — Heather Hildenbrand

Great. So he's a genius. Fifty points for Ivanclaw. — Margaret Stohl

You must never imagine, that just because something is funny, it is not also dangerous. — Neil Gaiman

He was charming and funny and a bit scary, which was always a draw in my book. — Ilona Andrews

That's the only dog I know who can smell someone just thinking about food. — Charles M. Schulz

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself. — Mark Twain

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping? — Ellen DeGeneres

It's so funny to think that I used to be a model and here I am doing arbitrage, shipping and negotiating margins, the list is endless. — Caprice Bourret

As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to be childless. — Lord Chesterfield

The body's a funny thing. It's so full of surprises that it makes conventional wisdom seem silly. — Pat Conroy

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. — Paul Lynde

It's funny. I did give birth to an alien on 'The X-Files.' And it's just the teaser, so I'm dead before we even get into the episode. — Megan Follows

I feel cheesy when I see 'Silver Spoons.' Some of it was funny, but some of it was just cheese! My kids love it, but I look at it and cringe. — Ricky Schroder

Ferrari leads, McLaren second, McLaren second, Jordan third, and Benneton fifth and sixth. — Murray Walker

Get in my way again, boy, and you're going to learn that Velkan isn't the only one in this family who has fangs. Retta to Viktor — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Chomsky is a pencil-and-paper theoretician who wouldn't know Jabba the Hutt from the Cookie Monster, — Steven Pinker

You know what's funny to me? Attitude. — Don Rickles

It's funny; Luther and I have written many songs together, but we've never written songs in the same room. — Richard Marx

I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook. — Bill Cosby

Mr. Speaker. I said the honorable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honorable member may place the punctuation where he pleases. — Richard Brinsley Sheridan

There's no such thing as too much power! — Wolfgang Gullich