Justin Halpern Quotes
Collection of top 49 famous quotes about Justin Halpern
Justin Halpern Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Justin Halpern quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life.
— Justin Halpern
The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.
— Justin Halpern
It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works.
— Justin Halpern
Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read.
— Justin Halpern
The worst thing you can be is a liar ... Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.
— Justin Halpern
You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.
— Justin Halpern
I almost feel like I'm unoffendable now. I can roll with whatever.
— Justin Halpern
Don't touch that knife. YOU never need to be holding a knife ... I don't give a shit, learn how to butter stuff with a spoon
— Justin Halpern
Joey looked confused and horrified, like a stripper bursting out of a cake only to realize she's been accidentally delivered to a baby shower.
— Justin Halpern
If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup
— Justin Halpern
On Lego'sListen, I don't want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks a pile of shit. — Justin Halpern
You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it.
— Justin Halpern
Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.
— Justin Halpern
Advice is bullshit. It's just one asshole's opinion.
— Justin Halpern
On My Trip to Europe I know you think you're going to get all kinds of laid. It's not a magic place, it's the same as here. Don't be stupid.
— Justin Halpern
Do people your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.
— Justin Halpern
You worry too much. Eat some bacon ... what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.
— Justin Halpern
On the SATs Remember, it's just a test. If you fuck up, it doesn't mean you're a fuckup. That said, try not to fuck this up. It's pretty important.
— Justin Halpern
Out of your league?! What fucking league are you talking about?! You are a man, she is a fucking woman! That is all that matters, goddamn it!
— Justin Halpern
The dog is not bored. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking Rubik's Cube. He's a goddamned dog.
— Justin Halpern
Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you.
— Justin Halpern
I just want silence ... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.
— Justin Halpern
You say you're sick, huh? Well, it looks like you've come down with a case of bullshit.
— Justin Halpern
When I die, I die. I could give a shit, 'cause it ain't my problem. I'd just rather not shit my pants on the way there,
— Justin Halpern
We aint a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that.
— Justin Halpern
Human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.
— Justin Halpern
Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.
— Justin Halpern
You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.
— Justin Halpern
Democracy ain't so fun when it fucks you.
— Justin Halpern
My dad is awesome.
— Justin Halpern
On FriendshipYou got good friends. I like them. I don't think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one. — Justin Halpern
Nobody likes practice, but whats worse: practicing or sucking at something? ... Oh give me a fucking break, practicing is NOT worse than sucking.
— Justin Halpern
See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.
— Justin Halpern
That woman was sexy ... Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.
— Justin Halpern
When I had an earache, my mom would piss in my ear to kill the pain,
— Justin Halpern
I was an angst-y journal writing kid.
— Justin Halpern
Your friends' parents drive like assholes. Tell them it's an elementary school parking lot, not downtown fucking Manhattan.
— Justin Halpern
Life is fucking long, especially if you're stupid.
— Justin Halpern
You can do what you want. But I can also do what I want. And what I'll be doing is telling everyone how fucking stupid your tattoo is.
— Justin Halpern
Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.
— Justin Halpern
How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes.
— Justin Halpern
Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.
— Justin Halpern
There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.
— Justin Halpern
No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry..
— Justin Halpern
When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.
— Justin Halpern
I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving this shit.
— Justin Halpern
Self-administering oral sex is not my cup of tea, but you have to hand it to him for his ruthless determination to enjoy himself.
— Justin Halpern