Joan Rivers Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Joan Rivers quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age. — Joan Rivers

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it." — Joan Rivers

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers. — Joan Rivers

Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake? — Joan Rivers

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear. — Joan Rivers

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials. — Joan Rivers

I use a smoke alarm as a timer. — Joan Rivers

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian
and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had. — Joan Rivers

To maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner. — Joan Rivers

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones. — Joan Rivers

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted. — Joan Rivers

I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?' — Joan Rivers

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat. — Joan Rivers

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. — Joan Rivers

After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body. — Joan Rivers

She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit. — Joan Rivers

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. — Joan Rivers

I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change. — Joan Rivers

The only good thing about age is that sooner or later all of the SOBs who dumped you are going to die. — Joan Rivers

Run scared ... and they never catch you. — Joan Rivers

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality. — Joan Rivers

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting. — Joan Rivers

What we do is a calling ... we make people happy — Joan Rivers

Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them. — Joan Rivers

Why women don't blink during foreplay ... not enough time. — Joan Rivers

I love Katy Perry! She's very charming. — Joan Rivers

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. — Joan Rivers

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard. — Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. — Joan Rivers

The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it. — Joan Rivers

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood. — Joan Rivers

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse. — Joan Rivers

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work. — Joan Rivers

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write: "You are here". I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet. — Joan Rivers

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending. — Joan Rivers

My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened. — Joan Rivers

Happiness, at my age, is breathing — Joan Rivers

My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne. — Joan Rivers

My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor. — Joan Rivers

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off. — Joan Rivers

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent. — Joan Rivers

Having a baby is definitely a labor of love. — Joan Rivers

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black. — Joan Rivers

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show. — Joan Rivers

Everyone takes fashion so seriously! It's fashion - enjoy it! — Joan Rivers

In every human endeavor, persistence is everything. — Joan Rivers

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life. — Joan Rivers

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better. — Joan Rivers

I'm tired of dealing with crazies. When did it become my job to manage your mental illness? — Joan Rivers

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays. — Joan Rivers

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her. — Joan Rivers

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card. — Joan Rivers

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly — Joan Rivers

Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die. — Joan Rivers

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway." — Joan Rivers

Never floss a stranger. — Joan Rivers

If you don't think you're funny, no one else will. — Joan Rivers

I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving. — Joan Rivers

You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite. — Joan Rivers

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none. — Joan Rivers

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me 'sir'. — Joan Rivers

I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa. — Joan Rivers

It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up. — Joan Rivers

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because
she couldn't remember the lines. — Joan Rivers

When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you. — Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted child when my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. — Joan Rivers

Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts. — Joan Rivers

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds. — Joan Rivers

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary. — Joan Rivers

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception. — Joan Rivers

With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace. — Joan Rivers

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who. — Joan Rivers

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know. — Joan Rivers

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there." — Joan Rivers

My body is a temple, and my temple needs redecorating — Joan Rivers

Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.' — Joan Rivers

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head. — Joan Rivers

Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death. — Joan Rivers

Better laid than never. — Joan Rivers

Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own. — Joan Rivers

I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older. — Joan Rivers

Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge. — Joan Rivers

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented. — Joan Rivers

When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from. — Joan Rivers

Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome. — Joan Rivers

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage. — Joan Rivers

Muddy Waters he play in the river Joan Rivers she play in the mud Swami guru play in a big salad bowl Counting lettuce and chewing his cud — Tom Robbins

With this face, I need all the deals I can get. — Joan Rivers

It's obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it - diamonds are a girl's best friend; man's best friend is a dog. — Joan Rivers

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone. — Joan Rivers

I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing. — Joan Rivers

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof. — Joan Rivers

I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too. — Amy Schumer

The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark. — Joan Rivers

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke. — Joan Rivers

I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs. — Joan Rivers

I'm not trying to be the next Joan Rivers. — Isaac Mizrahi

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. — Joan Rivers

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. — Joan Rivers