Joan Rivers Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Joan Rivers
Joan Rivers Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Joan Rivers quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.
— Joan Rivers
I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
— Joan Rivers
I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had. — Joan Rivers
To maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
— Joan Rivers
On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
— Joan Rivers
She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
— Joan Rivers
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
— Joan Rivers
The only good thing about age is that sooner or later all of the SOBs who dumped you are going to die.
— Joan Rivers
Run scared ... and they never catch you.
— Joan Rivers
The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
— Joan Rivers
If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
— Joan Rivers
What we do is a calling ... we make people happy
— Joan Rivers
Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.
— Joan Rivers
I love Katy Perry! She's very charming.
— Joan Rivers
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
— Joan Rivers
How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
— Joan Rivers
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
— Joan Rivers
The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.
— Joan Rivers
My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.
— Joan Rivers
The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.
— Joan Rivers
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
— Joan Rivers
Happiness, at my age, is breathing
— Joan Rivers
My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.
— Joan Rivers
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
— Joan Rivers
I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
— Joan Rivers
Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.
— Joan Rivers
In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
— Joan Rivers
The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.
— Joan Rivers
I'm tired of dealing with crazies. When did it become my job to manage your mental illness?
— Joan Rivers
Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
— Joan Rivers
I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."
— Joan Rivers
Never floss a stranger.
— Joan Rivers
If you don't think you're funny, no one else will.
— Joan Rivers
I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
— Joan Rivers
You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite.
— Joan Rivers
In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
— Joan Rivers
Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller becauseshe couldn't remember the lines. — Joan Rivers
When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.
— Joan Rivers
Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
— Joan Rivers
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
— Joan Rivers
You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
— Joan Rivers
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
— Joan Rivers
My body is a temple, and my temple needs redecorating
— Joan Rivers
Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
— Joan Rivers
Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
— Joan Rivers
Better laid than never.
— Joan Rivers
Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.
— Joan Rivers
I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
— Joan Rivers
Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.
— Joan Rivers
I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.
— Joan Rivers
When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from.
— Joan Rivers
Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
— Joan Rivers
The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
— Joan Rivers
With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
— Joan Rivers
It's obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it - diamonds are a girl's best friend; man's best friend is a dog.
— Joan Rivers
Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
— Joan Rivers
I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.
— Joan Rivers
I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too.
— Amy Schumer
I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.
— Joan Rivers
I'm not trying to be the next Joan Rivers.
— Isaac Mizrahi
