If I Were Funny Quotes

We all flinched as Ray flipped the breaker back on, but my laboratory again failed to erupt in flames. It must be a mad scientist record. — Richard Roberts

Funny that. We live in islands of Hours and we never seem to have time enough for anything ... — Clive Barker

I think I got a lot of my 'funny' DNA from my mother, who had a glorious sense of the ridiculous. — Christopher Buckley

Her hands were large and knuckley and calloused, made to hold a rifle, not a needle. — Hilary Mantel

One does not simply ring Roland.
Oh boy. I supposed I would get a lecture on the dangers of wandering into Mordor next. — Ilona Andrews

White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us! — Katt Williams

I have an inability to enjoy things, but that's why we're in comedy. If we were happy, we wouldn't be funny, I guess. — Paul Feig

I mean, my age is just a number. So what if you were born in the era when they still used rotary phones and cassette tapes? I think it's cute. — T.S. Krupa

I'm so careless that now i don't even care if i cared about you. — Me

I know what I would do if I were coach. I'd determine our strengths and weaknesses and utilize them. And it's pretty clear what our strength is. — Michael Jordan

I think people like comedies and I think concept driven comedies seem to be working when it's a clear concept and you deliver funny stuff. — Todd Phillips

And there's no damage to the car. Except to the car itself. — Murray Walker

It is funny how no one seems to want my always excellent advice. — Anne Lamott

The funny part about Islam is; even if you rape a woman, it would be considered as her fault. — M.F. Moonzajer

If I let you go are you going to hit me again?"
"What do you think?"
"Then I'm not going to let you go. — Sarah Mayberry

I don't want want to go to jail, I'm fragile. — Adam Sandler

More you know, better advice you give. Less you know, more advice you give. — Gerry Geek

-"He loved her ... It was noble of him. It was beautiful."
-"It was stupid. — Lloyd Alexander

Culver is a language magnet school. What it's mainly a magnet for, if you want to know the truth, is nerds. — Dave Barry

Life is funny; it really is. — Karyn Bosnak

I would have grown up to be a gentleman adventurer if I were more of a gentleman. — Alex Potvin

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'. — Bill Maher

Please stop waiting for a map. We reward those who draw maps, not those who follow them. — Seth Godin

It's funny: half my films were flops, half did well. It would be terrible if I'd had only success. — Claude Lelouch

If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny. — Don Rickles

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. — Demetri Martin

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? — Henny Youngman

If I were you, I'd go and do that. : Vikalp
That's why you're not me! : Yatharth. — Shubham Choudhary

Cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin' in your house, I'd kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder. — Simone Elkeles

At one point you think, well, it's funny, I could just be a starving actor. So if somebody were to pull the plug, there'd be no room for complaint. — Michael Fassbender

Look, if I were straight, you'd be grandparents before your time. You should be relieved that I'm gay. Aren't you grateful? — Hayden Thorne

I got my start in silent radio. — Bob Monkhouse

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with. — Rodney Dangerfield

I often say if men were meant to fly we would have been born with either feathers and wings or at the very least parachutes that pop out of our butts. — John Zakour

I don't know (if they were men or women running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads. — Yogi Berra

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, How to Build a Boat. — Stephen Wright

Someone once said writing and gardening are similar pursuits. Tell you what, I'd have one fucked up garden if that were the case. — Carla H. Krueger

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers. — Russell Howard

I think the world would be a simpler place if 'douche' and 'touche' were pronounced the same. — Travis J. Dahnke

Let me be clear: I don't want to make love to a mannequin - I want to make love like a mannequin. Oh, if only I were that animated in bed. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Please. If you were mostly dead in the middle of the road I'd obviously stop. And then I'd watch you die.
Kate to Will — Elizabeth Scott

Being good has nothing to do with being a Boy !!. Better is the latter! — Nelson Jack

How much detention did you get?
Two weeks. One per arsehole. — Stephanie Perkins

Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind. — Lois Greiman

It's funny; recently I've started to notice people's impersonations of me, and it's basically like a hyperactive child. — Dave Grohl

Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.' — David Letterman

As humans we speak one language ... — Avril Lavigne

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.
It's really funny. — Brandon Sanderson

Moving on was going to require leaving the woods and getting a friend set that didn't have gray hairs, hip replacements and a few false teeth. — Rebecca Brooks

He runs to the sink to spit it out. I grin. There's nothing quite as funny as someone else's misery. — Holly Black

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire. — Jim Norton

I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline. — Michael Summers

Most man can think no better than a child! This fact perfectly explains why there are so many funny beliefs! — Mehmet Murat Ildan

Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward."
"Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don't throw flowers. — Andrew Barger

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? — Jerry Seinfeld

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big. — Mitch Hedberg

The ballgame is over ... in this inning. — Jerry Coleman

She shuddered. What is it with slobbery kissers? Are they trying to drown us in spit? I mean, Jesus, swallow every now and then. — Tammara Webber

She wanted to be given a funny script so that she could make it funnier. — Nick Hornby

I find it very difficult to be funny, it's much easier to do tragedy than it is to do comedy. — Eric Drooker

Text messages are dying a funny kind of death. — Anonymous

In the silence, the bear died. It was a cute death, with funny music. — Orson Scott Card

It's so funny to think that I used to be a model and here I am doing arbitrage, shipping and negotiating margins, the list is endless. — Caprice Bourret

Jack Black is so funny! On and off screen, like, he would make you laugh every day. He's hilarious. — Caitlin Hale

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? — Robin Williams

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!" — Mitch Hedberg

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!" — Jim Gaffigan

You're impossible," she told him.
"Of course I am," he answered. "It's part of my charm. — David Eddings