If I Were Funny Quotes: top 68 famous quotes about If I Were Funny

If I Were Funny Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational If I Were Funny quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

We all flinched as Ray flipped the breaker back on, but my laboratory again failed to erupt in flames. It must be a mad scientist record. — Richard Roberts

Funny that. We live in islands of Hours and we never seem to have time enough for anything ... — Clive Barker

I think I got a lot of my 'funny' DNA from my mother, who had a glorious sense of the ridiculous. — Christopher Buckley

Her hands were large and knuckley and calloused, made to hold a rifle, not a needle. — Hilary Mantel

One does not simply ring Roland.
Oh boy. I supposed I would get a lecture on the dangers of wandering into Mordor next. — Ilona Andrews

White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us! — Katt Williams

I have an inability to enjoy things, but that's why we're in comedy. If we were happy, we wouldn't be funny, I guess. — Paul Feig

I mean, my age is just a number. So what if you were born in the era when they still used rotary phones and cassette tapes? I think it's cute. — T.S. Krupa

I'm so careless that now i don't even care if i cared about you. — Me

I know what I would do if I were coach. I'd determine our strengths and weaknesses and utilize them. And it's pretty clear what our strength is. — Michael Jordan

I think people like comedies and I think concept driven comedies seem to be working when it's a clear concept and you deliver funny stuff. — Todd Phillips

And there's no damage to the car. Except to the car itself. — Murray Walker

It is funny how no one seems to want my always excellent advice. — Anne Lamott

The funny part about Islam is; even if you rape a woman, it would be considered as her fault. — M.F. Moonzajer

If I let you go are you going to hit me again?"
"What do you think?"
"Then I'm not going to let you go. — Sarah Mayberry

I don't want want to go to jail, I'm fragile. — Adam Sandler

More you know, better advice you give. Less you know, more advice you give. — Gerry Geek

-"He loved her ... It was noble of him. It was beautiful."
-"It was stupid. — Lloyd Alexander

Culver is a language magnet school. What it's mainly a magnet for, if you want to know the truth, is nerds. — Dave Barry

Life is funny; it really is. — Karyn Bosnak

I would have grown up to be a gentleman adventurer if I were more of a gentleman. — Alex Potvin

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'. — Bill Maher

Please stop waiting for a map. We reward those who draw maps, not those who follow them. — Seth Godin

It's funny: half my films were flops, half did well. It would be terrible if I'd had only success. — Claude Lelouch

If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny. — Don Rickles

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. — Demetri Martin

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? — Henny Youngman

If I were you, I'd go and do that. : Vikalp
That's why you're not me! : Yatharth. — Shubham Choudhary

Cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin' in your house, I'd kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder. — Simone Elkeles

At one point you think, well, it's funny, I could just be a starving actor. So if somebody were to pull the plug, there'd be no room for complaint. — Michael Fassbender

Look, if I were straight, you'd be grandparents before your time. You should be relieved that I'm gay. Aren't you grateful? — Hayden Thorne

I got my start in silent radio. — Bob Monkhouse

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with. — Rodney Dangerfield

I often say if men were meant to fly we would have been born with either feathers and wings or at the very least parachutes that pop out of our butts. — John Zakour

I don't know (if they were men or women running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads. — Yogi Berra

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, How to Build a Boat. — Stephen Wright

Someone once said writing and gardening are similar pursuits. Tell you what, I'd have one fucked up garden if that were the case. — Carla H. Krueger

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers. — Russell Howard

I think the world would be a simpler place if 'douche' and 'touche' were pronounced the same. — Travis J. Dahnke

Let me be clear: I don't want to make love to a mannequin - I want to make love like a mannequin. Oh, if only I were that animated in bed. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Please. If you were mostly dead in the middle of the road I'd obviously stop. And then I'd watch you die.
Kate to Will — Elizabeth Scott

Being good has nothing to do with being a Boy !!. Better is the latter! — Nelson Jack

How much detention did you get?
Two weeks. One per arsehole. — Stephanie Perkins

Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind. — Lois Greiman

It's funny; recently I've started to notice people's impersonations of me, and it's basically like a hyperactive child. — Dave Grohl

Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.' — David Letterman

As humans we speak one language ... — Avril Lavigne

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.
It's really funny. — Brandon Sanderson

Moving on was going to require leaving the woods and getting a friend set that didn't have gray hairs, hip replacements and a few false teeth. — Rebecca Brooks

He runs to the sink to spit it out. I grin. There's nothing quite as funny as someone else's misery. — Holly Black

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire. — Jim Norton

I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline. — Michael Summers

Most man can think no better than a child! This fact perfectly explains why there are so many funny beliefs! — Mehmet Murat Ildan

Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward."
"Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don't throw flowers. — Andrew Barger

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? — Jerry Seinfeld

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big. — Mitch Hedberg

The ballgame is over ... in this inning. — Jerry Coleman

She shuddered. What is it with slobbery kissers? Are they trying to drown us in spit? I mean, Jesus, swallow every now and then. — Tammara Webber

She wanted to be given a funny script so that she could make it funnier. — Nick Hornby

I find it very difficult to be funny, it's much easier to do tragedy than it is to do comedy. — Eric Drooker

Text messages are dying a funny kind of death. — Anonymous

In the silence, the bear died. It was a cute death, with funny music. — Orson Scott Card

It's so funny to think that I used to be a model and here I am doing arbitrage, shipping and negotiating margins, the list is endless. — Caprice Bourret

Jack Black is so funny! On and off screen, like, he would make you laugh every day. He's hilarious. — Caitlin Hale

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? — Robin Williams

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!" — Mitch Hedberg

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!" — Jim Gaffigan

You're impossible," she told him.
"Of course I am," he answered. "It's part of my charm. — David Eddings