Husband Humor Quotes: top 44 famous quotes about Husband Humor

Husband Humor Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Husband Humor quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

My husband is not the secretary of state, I am. — Hillary Rodham Clinton

You know that Kate called Walter a heartless bastard?"
"And an asshole. I am quite proud. — Aimee Carter

I like 'em big. And stupid. Don't tell my husband. — Meg Cabot

You make a very handsome dead eel, my husband,"
"For a boiled mollusk, you wear black quite well, my wife, — Grace Draven

What she needs,' Tom said aloud 'is a husband.' Agnes said crisply, 'Well, she can't have mine. — Ken Follett

My doctor says I must not have any serious conversation after seven [o'clock]. It makes me talk in my sleep. — Oscar Wilde

His fair landlady was in despair. She would most willingly have made M. d'Artagnan her husband
such a handsome man, and such a fierce mustache! — Alexandre Dumas

I'm married, honey. My social life consists of work, church, taxiing the kids around and trying to schedule sex with my husband at least once a month. — Marilyn Pappano

I've just vowed my love for you. Have you nothing to say in return?" Duncan asked.
"Thank you, husband. — Julie Garwood

He's half my ex-husband's age, but twice as energetic when we have sex. And twice as grateful afterwards. — Barbara Taylor Bradford

Most people get excited over new cars; I get excited over death certificates. It's no wonder my husband worries about my state of mind. — Rett MacPherson

Every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition ("That would be my husband", was the standard comment). — G.M. Malliet

My mother is convinced that yellow is a happy color and that a happy girl would get a husband.
-Penelope Featherington — Julia Quinn

When I came out of anesthesia, I wanted two things: my husband and my dog. They wouldn't let the dog in the recovery room. — Sandy Nathan

I've learned that it doesn't matter how your husband squeezes the toothpaste, the important thing is how he squeezes you. — H. Jackson Brown Jr.

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband's murder. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

It's no good choosing your first husband from a school for evil geniuses. Much too difficult to kill. — Gail Carriger

Poor soul - very sad; her late husband, you know, a very sad death - eaten by missionaries - poor soul. — William Archibald Spooner

A pretty little thing like you with that sassy mouth and no husband or boyfriend? Are you a widow or a workaholic? — Julie Miller

She has carefully audited her life and found she has no requirement for a husband. — Helen Smith

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was. — Frank Carson

Husband?"
"Aye. Husband."
"The slow-witted one that's been following you? I thought he
was your servant. — G.A. Aiken

He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife. — Ljupka Cvetanova

A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it. — Pawan Mishra

I love my husband like a pig loves shit. — Julie Powell

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. — Steven Wright

In some instances, it may unfortunately be necessary for a Wife to seek outside employment, such as when the husband is dismembered or is dead. — Margaret Dilloway

It keeps her purity vacum-sealed to preserve its freshness for her future husband. — Libba Bray

Do you ever get a panicky feeling that nobody cares if you live or die? (A husband will often care decisively, one way or another.) — Sandra Gould

I've learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one. — H. Jackson Brown Jr.

You know your husband truly loves you when he calls you, "Money, I'm home! — Natalya Vorobyova

Opposities are married. — Ljupka Cvetanova

She suspects her husband, Jake, might be gay."
"Did you suggest she ask him?"
Mom laughed. "Of course not. Business is slow. — Lisa Lutz

I married my first husband for love, my second husband for adventure, and my third husband for laffs. — Carolyn V. Hamilton

NO greater love has a husband for his wife than to watch a 2hr documentary on an elite ballet competition. — Mark Venturini

It's not great when your husband thinks the only guy who can talk to you, is some other guy. — Jonas Eriksson

What ... what about when I'm married?"
"We'll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits. — Stephanie Perkins

A smart wife is one who makes sure she spends so much that her husband can't afford another woman. — Miriam Defensor Santiago

You know ... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time ... husband!!! — Bill Maher

Most of a husband's life is spent in doing research on his wife. — Pawan Mishra

It's a terrible thing for a man when his woman gangs up on him wi' a toad — Terry Pratchett

Take care of your husband and do your "homework." For every headache you have there will be a women out there with an aspirin in her purse. — Jane Jenkins Herlong

Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

So he was her husband, Edward might eat her, and no one's hair could rival his. — Cynthia Hand