Humourous Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Humourous

Humourous Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Humourous quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I'm fascinated by idiots... Here's looking at you, kid! — Fakeer Ishavardas

Oh my god, two days ago I fell in love with the girl of my dreams. Tonight I find out she's insane — Jill Mansell

A good plot should have a strong middle and a spectacular end. But under no circumstances should it have a beginning. — A.M. Dean

I do like a bit of flyin'. Comedy flying is one of my favourite things. I think it rates up there with a neck brace for funniness. — Jennifer Saunders

Dark is dark in the darkness. — Chet Williamson

I guess it's their friend time? — Meca Tanaka

The sooner the jihadis go up to their imagined #heaven, the sooner our earth would be a heaven. — Fakeer Ishavardas

I'm sorry, honey. I'm sure if you were a terrorist, you'd make a wonderful one — Madeleine George

Just because I am paranoid does not mean that someone is not out to get me — Don Darkes

Yes. Because every family needs a laser for thier family jet. — Eoin Colfer

There are some things you just don't say...not even in a school! — X

The trouble with eating Italian is that 5 or 6 days later, you're hungry again. — George Miller

Writing is all about tents: sometimes you're competent, sometimes you're eloquetent. — Kevin Focke

Always smile first thing in the morning.
Might as well get it over with. — W.C. Fields

I always carry the book of Holy Writ ... and something to read ... — Elizabeth Peters

People think common sense is common - but it's not. — Don Cherry

Some perv lured you here via a magical website? — A.G. Howard

Never say no to now — Benny Bellamacina

You are not a murderer. I find it difficult to think of that as a personality flaw. — Marissa Meyer

Unless you can start some worldwide crime wave, I haven't the strength to defy him. — Jennifer Fallon

Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go. — George R R Martin

They play like file clerks file. — Lauren Kessler

I have seen many a face that was more good-looking - never one that looked half so good. — Dinah Maria Mulock Craik

Detective John Tallow, 1st Precinct."
"You," said Scarly. "I hate you so much my dick is hard. — Warren Ellis

I've had quite enough danger for a while I think. I might have some more when I'm thirteen, but definitely not before then ... — Joshua Donellan

You know us naturist types.. when we party we party hard! — Lee Taylor

People can't really sympathize with you properly when you've woken them up — Maureen Johnson

You know a few shiftless persons in need of biological levity. You men of negotiable constancy like gold, don't you? — Michelle Franklin

Please don't talk into the middle of other people's crotch! — Nakata Yumi

Sometimes I pretend I have an insomnia problem when what I really have is a good book and a lack of respect for tomorrow's schedule. — Anonymous

There's nothing like a headless corpse to bring a touch of excitement into one's life. — Chet Williamson

One time he killed a man who had found out that he was nephew to Von Hindenburg and second cousin to the devil — F Scott Fitzgerald

I stepped away from the car preparing my own smile because you catch more flies with honey than you do with shit. — Bruce Blake

The only way to see everything, my dear, is to see it absolutely. — Sherry Lynn Ferguson

Can I ask you something?" Jo
"Maybe" Thorn
"What's between you and Karma?" Jo
"Right about now ... three miles." Thorn — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Words can be meaningless. If they are used in such a way that no sharp conclusions can be drawn. — Richard Feynman

Who's possessing who now, Casper? — Rick Riordan

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humour. They don't have to be funny, just need to be able to recognise how hilarious I am. — Ade Bozzay

No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away ... — Terry Pratchett

They say [Finn] has tasted the Nuts of Wisdom." Elatha laughed. "Perhaps the Nuts of Wisdom will gird him against your sister. — Holly Bennett

And you are?'
'Erm . . Professor N'gomo.' said Edith waving her badge in what she supposed was a casual way. — Anna Moore

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. — Phyllis Diller

That's part of your curse. To drive men mad with desire and feel no pleasure".
"Great," I muttered. "And all this time I thought I was frigid. — Kristina Douglas

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny Youngman

If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out. — Mark Twain

Good taste is death. Vulgarity is life. — Mary Quant

Only the great warriors fall down from their horses; one would not fall who rides a donkey cart. — Waheed Ibne Musa

I thought dwarfs loved gold," said Angua.
"They just say that to get it into bed. — Terry Pratchett

I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident. — Joshua Donellan

Life is what you make it. Unless some guy finds you with his girl. Then the ball's pretty much in his court. — Lois Greiman

They keep telling me the coolest people are crazy - so I'm not worried. — Zanib Mian

Connor, if ye doona kill this fledgling, I will. The lad is begging for it.
-Angus McKay about Gregori Holstein — Kerrelyn Sparks

We're like superheroes! — Matthew Head

Me? Oh, intellectually I believe in having a good heart, a chirpy penis, a lively intelligence, and the courage to say 'shit!' in front of a lady. — D.H. Lawrence

Child that is a beautiful note," the chief justice praised her, "but the next time you write your title, add an O to the countess. — Patricia Grasso

Oi, stop looking at my nethers. Be a gentleman, look away. When a gal's in a predicament you should 'elp 'er out — James Minter

Whatever the choices one make in life, there will be the outcomes. But the question is: Will the outcomes be what one really expected? — Ezekiel Mosoatsi

Recession should be added to the list of natural calamities — Subhasis Das

I believe in love. Unfortunately, it doesn't believe me. Lust, on the other hand, is a nagging wife poking constantly at my DNA. — Carroll Bryant

The point of tantric sex was supposedly to harness sexual energy to awaken higher consciousness. It was just like yoga, but way more fun. — Jackson Radcliffe

I am about to lose my temper,'
'I look too cute for that.'
'Stop daydreaming. — Rida Altaf

Look, sir, I know Angua. She's not the useless type. She doesn't stand there and scream helplessly. She makes other people do that. — Terry Pratchett

The fastest way to a man's heart is by tearing a hole through his rib cage_T-Shirt — Darynda Jones

A pair of Blahniks and a girl can vanquish anything — Tyne O'Connell

Anything can happen in love, war and South Inidan movies. — Jennifer Bernard

One of the ex-sucias publishes a poem about you online. It's called El Puto — Junot Diaz

Vimes awoke with a noseful of camel. There are far worse awakenings, but not as many as you might think. — Terry Pratchett

The English winter is long, cold and wet, just like the English summer — Benny Bellamacina

Uh, I'm thankful for you all, even if you get on my nerves sometimes," Carmine said. "Oh, and orgasms ... definitely thankful for those. — J.M. Darhower

An intelligent man will use a book to settle an argument. Preferably a hardback with a thick spine, flat across the bridge of the nose. — Shatrujeet Nath

Food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die. — Joshua Donellan

My wife said never to judge her until I walked a mile in her shoes. That's how I found out I like wearing high heels. — Jerry Snider

Most girls swoon when I talk to them. So quit ignoring me."
"So go talk to them," Kara slammed her locked shut and walked away. — Alexis Tiger

Why would I draw the short straw? — Kresley Cole

All I had to say to anyone that doubted our love was, "Eat your knickers!". — Tyne O'Connell

Men from children nothing differ. — William Shakespeare

I've grown old with this century; there's not much left of either of us. — Penelope Lively

What he lacks in intelligence he makes up for with ego. — Jim McGrath

Oh, I'm dying,' I like moaned. 'Oh, I have a ghastly pain in my side. Appendicitis, it is. Ooooooh.' 'Appendy shitehouse,' grumbled this veck. — Anthony Burgess

Went to get coffee today-opened my change purse. Sea shells fell out. Barista goes "Sorry, we only take cash or credit." So there's that. — Taylor Swift

We should have wars. Then there would be no need for sports. — Michelle Franklin

It would be like The Rock versus Seth Green. Now, tell me who he is — Tammy Blackwell

She was an alien, really - a sort of eating, pooping, tantrum machine - and he didn't understand anything about her species. — Christopher Moore

Adrian Mole's diary
Easter
Poor Jesus, it must have been dead awful for him. I wouldn't have the guts to do it myself. — Sue Townsend

Even the ones you don't like, you like better in Paris. — Janice Macleod

No one but a preaching clergyman has, in these realms, the power of compelling an audience to sit silent and be tormented. — Anthony Trollope

Moral," said Vale."That's an interesting adjective to apply to 'genocide'. — Dan Wells

Maybe curiosity did kill your cat. But it wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on the neighbor's rottweiler just the same. — Lois Greiman

Happy enough to smile like a man getting a hand job from a shake weight enthusiast. — Edward Lorn

In love, one always begins in deceiving oneself, and one always ends in deceiving others. — Oscar Wilde

We're famous" iggy whispered so low that Fang could barely hear him.
"So's Swine Flu" Fang whispered back. — James Patterson

The decker these ***holes brought with them is top tier, but I'm going to stomp his jelly beans so hard his kids will be born crooked. — Amie Kaufman

Dad's romances could last anywhere between a platypus egg incubation (19-21 days) and a squirrel pregnancy (24-45 days). — Marisha Pessl

Do you realise how much trouble you're in?"
"Perhaps I'll have some Weetabix after all. — Anthony Horowitz

Colon looked awkward, as if the bunched underwear of the past was tangling itself in the crotch of recollection. — Terry Pratchett

Well, go on then, Abby; run along and let the nice man compromise you. — Anne Gracie

I said never mix business with pleasure. They said it was a pleasure doing business with me. — Nikhil Sharda

Psht, as if. You and what army could possibly rescue her from my clutches? -JEN — Quinn Loftis

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines. — S.A. Tawks

It sounded somewhat doom-laden, so I felt obliged to look it up more thoroughly, in case I should eat some chocolate rather quickly. — Carol Anne Dobson