Humour'd Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Humour'd

Humour'd Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Humour'd quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

If your brother can't 'old 'is own against a bunch of orphans, 'e'd best leave off playing 'azard altogether! — Sheri Cobb South

What's proper workplace etiquette for picking up computer and tossing out window? Open window first or break glass? — Abigail Roux

I learned early and at that kitchen table that there are ways of avoiding, without guilt, the commitments of love. — P.D. James

Decker smiled and shrugged off their laughter. The humour was only barbed if you sat on the outside, and now he was one of them. — R.D. Ronald

If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable. — Darynda Jones

I am a perfectionist in spirit — Bob D'Eith

Honest to God, she was the noisiest woman he'd ever been shot at with. — Jill Shalvis

I'm pretty irreverent. There is a lot of need to find humour in life. Although I'd never be as disrespectful to laugh at someone's expense. — Michael Bolton

Matt shrugged. It was a good shrug, too. All it was missing was a beret, a stripy shirt and a Gauloise cigarette. — D.C. Farmer

You can't spell American without "I can. — A.D. Aliwat

Pete couldn't believe how sanctimonious somebody could be just because they'd once had a soldering iron stuck up their arse. — Alexei Sayle

If I let you go are you going to hit me again?"
"What do you think?"
"Then I'm not going to let you go. — Sarah Mayberry

A day without someone to hold you or a day without someone to share, is a day easily forgotten.' - Vera Richardson in Mr Alhourani's Dead Man's Spots — D.M. Lee

D'you think he would have thought ahead like that?" said Henry.
"Assuredly," said Will. "The man's a strategist." He tapped his temple. "Like me. — Cassandra Clare

You can take that needle out of my leg now. I'd like to pull up my pants. — Alison Kemper

If wishes were horses, I'd need a very big stable. — Greg Curtis

Law that stated you didn't advertise any event you hadn't attended, any place you'd never been, or any band you didn't really listen to. — Mhairi McFarlane

I didn't realise you'd ridden here on your high horse — Robyn Schneider

Duke to Michel: I'm fairly certain that even if
you'd struggle in a quiz against a pigeon, you are capable enough of opening doors. — Elias Zapple

I'd like to think ... that people in pubs would talk about my poems — Philip Larkin

Oh Mokona, you're such a tease! ~Fai D. Flowright — CLAMP

I'd blow someone for a valium," I said in Jacob's ear.
"Maybe he's got one ... but try offering a hand-job first so you retain some leverage. — Jordan Castillo Price

If you count sheep before you go to sleep, are you barrrrr'd from dreams? — Benny Bellamacina

Can I borrow fifty bucks?"
"What?"
"I'm short until payday."
"You're short every day. — J.D. Robb

If I could pray with my cock, I'd be much more religious — George R R Martin

Jacob glanced across at the woman. 'She'd have you for breakfast, mate.'
'Yeah,' Luca countered, 'maybe I want to be had for breakfast. — Sharon Sant

I asked my publisher what would happen if he sold all the copies of my book he'd printed. He said I'll just print another ten. — Eric Sykes

If you tell me I'm sensible in addition to normal and wise, I'm going to punch you in the stomach. — J.D. Robb

Oh, good. Okay, I'd like to get more sleep before I have to figure out how we find a Sith Lord in Washington. — Gini Koch

If you want the extra-ordinary, you've got to be willing to forsake the ordinary' - Annie Grimes in Mr Alhourani's Dead Man's Spots — D.M. Lee

If I looked like him," Tara said. "I'd want to have sex with myself. All the time. — Jill Shalvis

She'd never known a man whose initial move was to undress the woman he wanted. — Tara Janzen

I always pick a gorgeous time to fall over a suitcase or something. — J.D. Salinger

Rotten, dirty, back-slapping, wine-quaffing, haemorrhoid-hosting, goat-shagging, fart-sniffing, Crispin-loving, gold-snatching bastards!!! — Aaron D'Este

I'd rather be a rising ape than a falling angel. — Terry Pratchett

Gomst's mouth framed a 'no', but every other muscle in him said 'yes'. You'd think priests would be better liars, what with their jobs and all. — Mark Lawrence

It's a terrible person who listens to what we say rather than what we mean — F.D. Lee

I fended them off as best I could while trying to shield my eyes but, tragically, I'd left my flamethrower in my other suit. — Alexis Hall

Life in a box is better than no life at all, I expect. You'd have a chance at least. You could lie there thinking: Well, at least I'm not dead. — Tom Stoppard

He didn't look as if he'd been through a whirlwind exactly but he'd certainly endured a stiff breeze. — Sara Sheridan

If I were you, I'd sue my face for slander. — Terry Pratchett

Oh my God. Party punch. He'd brought a woman with the social age of twelve to the Citadel. He deserved everything he got. — Annabel Joseph

I'd heard street food was a big thing here in Mexico but I didn't think it meant the creatures that lived on the street. — Karl Pilkington

The platform underneath the balloon fell on her as she was trying to escape," she explained. "She was crushed."
"I'd have been disappointed too. — Anthony Horowitz

To whomever swapped my tattoo cream for toothpaste ... well played. — R.D. Ronald

This faulty light fitting at the front door with the dangerously flickering bulb looks rather festive. Who says I don't do Christmas? — R.D. Ronald

Certainly, he was the only one in the room who'd actually engaged Dante in direct conversation and informed the Poet he was an ass. — Sylvain Reynard

A despairing arse will never produce a happy fart. — Frater U.D.

I'm not into this whole "move with the times" thing. I reckon we should just decide on a year and stick with it. — R.D. Ronald

He'd never been shy, but he'd always been a little uncertain around girls. He just couldn't believe they liked him. — Robyn Carr

Kayla snatched the ruby-coloured bra he'd dug out from behind his back. "You should know, you're the one who got it off me," she said. — Meg Cabot

Dell had left the army and taken the discipline home with him. I'd left the theatre world and taken the whisky sodas home with me. — Mark Capell

If I wanted a life of chastity I'd live with my wife. — Thaddeus White

Sadly, however, the sight of her generous D cups no longer sparked an ounce of interest from Little Sam, the man in charge of social activities. — Sarah Mayberry

I had shaved my beard for her-a huge disappointment, because I'd enjoyed my three weeks looking like a bank robber. — Jennifer Echols

Thomas groaned at how invisible he'd become. "I love how you guys are just talking about me like i'm not here. — James Dashner

I always thought eating was a ridiculous activity anyway. I'd get out of it myself if I could, though you've got to do it to stay alive, they tell me. — Margaret Atwood

Somehow I'd still managed to go all retarded at the sight of some handsome asshole with a nice smile. — C.J. Roberts

I love Andre 3000 from OutKast. I think we'd complement each other, but I'm hoping he's got a good sense of humour. — Paloma Faith

I'm going to see if Morris has a spare spine lying around you can borrow if you're scared to speak to that high-heeled, smug-ass bitch, Peabody. — J.D. Robb

Welcome to your new bodies, gentlemen. If you'd like, I can help you start your own 'dysmorphia is all in your head' support group. — Howard Tayler

Today I plan to smile a lot, only so people who know me will be freaked the fuck out. — R.D. Ronald

After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it — Spike Milligan

I mean, it's a good job we've got a last desperate million-to-one chance to rely on, or we'd really be in trouble! — Terry Pratchett

If water was beer I'd be a teetotaler — Benny Bellamacina

You said cray cray."
"I'd say anything for you. — H.M. Ward

He'd done it like he did everything else - with passion and total disregard for how much it might embarrass her. — Kaylea Cross

The hotel shop only had two decent books, and I'd written both of them — Douglas Adams

- "Sometimes I think people would believe in aliens before they'd believe in demons"
- "That's how it is, now! — Jon Skovron

You'd think the little part about them supposedly killing us would be the attention getter. — James Dashner

Can I fetch you something, madam? A cup of tea?'
In the old days she'd have been 'miss' and he'd have offered her a cocktail. — Sara Sheridan

Every culture loves scatological humour. That's always a favourite. — Alex D. Linz

Sergeant Colon was lost in admiration. He'd seen people bluff on a bad hand, but he'd never seen anyone bluff with no cards. — Terry Pratchett

Mr. D," Grover asked timidly, "if you're not going to eat it, could I have your Diet Coke can? — Rick Riordan

You put cow dung on my face?' 'Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear? — Renita D'Silva

Damn it, woman, stop offering to kill me! — D.B. Reynolds

I don't think I'd want Mickey Mouse pimping for me anyway. — Haruki Murakami

I'd seen more cops in the last few days than on a weekend LAW and ORDER marathon - Paigne Winterbourne — Kelley Armstrong

Yes, it's amazing how little use you get out of a lemon zester on an all-blood diet. — Alexis Hall

Remember the 11th commandment. Thou shalt not take thyself to damn seriously. — Roy Mcconnell

It'll end in tears and they won't be mine. — Aaron D'Este

I don't "lol". I tried it once but it just didn't agree with me. — R.D. Ronald

A real Deadly Dolly," sniggered Mick. And then, "Ouch!" when she whacked him. — Aaron D'Este

On this day, if it were me, I'd don a mask for all to see. — Lee Bice-Matheson

Peabody pursed her lips. "You're really mean today."
"Yes. Yes, I am." Eve took a deep gulp of hideous air, and smiled. "I feel good about that. — J.D. Robb

All he'd done was lose her underwear and practically get her blown up.
Hell. This had to be the absolute worst first date of her life. — Tara Janzen

A horse loves freedom, and the weariest old work horse will roll on the ground or break into a lumbering gallop when he is turned loose into the open. — Gerald Raftery

It'd be funny if one of them was called Gavin. Funny but irrelevant. — John Marsden

It would be fun," Skulduggery nodded. "I like kicking Wreath in the face. I haven't had a chance to do it nearly as much as I'd like. — Derek Landy

She wondered if J.D. had polo ponies on his condoms. — Julie James

Anyone who says "Trust me" is the last motherfucker you should ever trust. — R.D. Ronald

I'd rather not see their eyes. Eyes can say so much. Theirs say, 'I want to steal your soul so don't turn your back on us. — Kasie West

When life throws shit at you, grow great, big, fuck off roses. — Heather Hill

Laclos thought, how about a one-way ticket to Pennsylvania? You'd enjoy life among the Quakers. Alternatively, how about a nice dip in the Seine? — Hilary Mantel

He'd gone from sixteen to seventy-five in a matter of seconds, but the old-man smell happened instantly, like boom. Congratulations! You stink! — Rick Riordan

I'd managed to find a hobbit in the Caucasus Mountains. I wondered what he would do if I asked him about second breakfast. — Ilona Andrews

So? I know lots of beautiful women. Nova wanted to chase ... I merely obliged her by running. — D.D. Chant

Cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin' in your house, I'd kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder. — Simone Elkeles

I sense a learning: that much dumber people than you end up in charge. — D.B.C. Pierre

Bob loses saving throw vs. shiny with a penalty of -5. Bob takes 2d8 damage to the credit card. — Charles Stross